Canticles of the Unhomed

The New Monasticism and the Ancient Art of Breathing

2008-02-18T23:17:00.003-07:00

So my wife and I voyaged, quite intrepidly, into the dark maw from which there is no escape, otherwise known as the local Christian bookstore. I know; I can barely believe it myself.

What's more, contrary to my firmly held conviction, I bought a book. In fact, I bought THREE. I know, the heaven shall surely fall. Actually, the first two doesn't really count, since I have read them before, and they are two of my favorite books: Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren. These are books that I have owned before, and have lent out and never gotten back, so I didn't mind buying them again.

However, the third was the book you see to the right. Punk Monk: The New Monasticism and the Ancient Art of Breathing by Pete Greig and Andy Freeman.

The book explores the concept of building a new "post-post modern" monasticism built around the concepts of 24-7 prayer and a construct called the "Boiler Rooms." I have not gotten far into the book yet, but I have gleaned that they have their own rule of life that is built around two purposes (prayer and the practice of the Christian life), three principles (being true to Christ, being kind to people, and being missional), and six fundamental practices (prayer, creativity, hospitality, mercy, learning and mission). Their rule sums up their commitment “not to buildings but to community,” which I find extremely interesting.

Having been a monk myself, I fine that I am continually drawn to that kind of life. However, I cannot reconcile the cloistered life with Christ's clear imperative to missionalism. I have often thought if there was a way to bring the core concepts of monasticism into the 21st century. Some would say that was at the heart of the House.

I resonate withe the concept of the purposes, principles and practices. I am excited to read more. I will undoubtedly write more as I go.

Visitation

2008-01-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

So now that everyone is gone, perhaps I should poke my head up.

Much time has past and many things have happened. When I think of where I was when last I wrote on this blog, and where I now sit writing this, the mind boggles.

I wonder, though, why I write this. I am near to sure that anyone who once read this blog have well since stopped coming to check it. In fact, most of the people who once read this blog no longer have blogs themselves, and most likely the whole blog phenomena has now passed, forgotten, into some kind of internet oblivion. In fact, it is entirely likely that no one will ever read this, and I am like the archer firing arrows into the dark.

Perhaps it is better that way. I found that when I knew that people I saw everyday were reading the blog, I would naturally edit myself, because I didn't want people to be offended or think less of me. In fact, I found that I would write for the express purpose of impressing them.

In fact, I don't really know why I am even writing this, though I believe I would like to start writing on as regular a basis as possible. I haven't been writing as often as I would like in the past year or so. I find that I lack the mental space to be able to find the desire.

So we will see what will happen. I don't really know what I shall write; the idea of just creating a record of daily events is horrible, since nothing ever happens during my day... :)

So we will see what will happen.

Apotheosis

2006-05-02T16:22:00.000-06:00

A lesser light sought God's face/
Phusis asked the lesser light/
Do you know what you are looking for>//
Imago dei answered the lesser light///
Phusis said/
Buy new shoes]///
//kwatz!//
//kwatz!//

Politics

2006-01-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I guess we have an election or something coming up, so I thought I would enter the foray. This is going to be the only time you will ever hear me wax political on this blog, at least inasfar as Canadian political parties are concerned.

My buddy Cortney passed this along...

Our Prime Minister in one of his better moments.

---
While vacationing on a ranch, Paul Martin gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Martin.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Martin.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules. "And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his Dad, and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years---Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc. The whole of the "right" was there, everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants. 'They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge," says Martin, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Martin takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like Sudbury. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Martin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

---

[snicker]
[snicker]
Paul Martin in hell...
[snicker]

Thoughts on Evolution

2005-12-31T02:51:00.000-07:00

I know - two posts in as many days - inconceivable. (No, I'm sure the word means what I think it does.)

So I posted about Christmas a few days ago, and having received some interesting comments, I feel I must respond.

First, here is the anonymous comment in full:

"as a family member that loves any time that a busy family can take the time to be together i really take offense by what you said i really beleive it is what you make of it.too bad all the xmases that we did give you the love,the thought of making you happy and all that bullshit was for not. i am really glad dad is not around to read this bullshit.as it is i am so deeply hurt i dont know how to feel"

Many of you who know me know of my less than stellar relationship with my family. There was a big blow up a few years back, I left, and I really haven't looked back since. There was a lot of anger to deal with. I went through a number of ugly anger cycles until I was able to get my head around it. Eventually, I ended up in counseling - a number of counselors in fact, something, until now, that was not common knowledge. Some of them were better than others - the best was a priest reccommended to me by my friend Jacquie. Again, my regular consultation with these counselors was something that I kept fairly quiet. I realized that this family thing was something that I could not deal with by myself; there was too many years of too much pain. Eventually I was able, with one counselor's help in particular, to learn that I was responsible for my own evolution. I had the power to choose to surround myself with people, circumstances and relationships that contributed positively to the kind of person that I wanted to be. I didn't have to live with what I was taught. I could have healthy relationships, I could have good communication skills, I could deal with my anger properly, I could talk to and about myself properly. But I had to choose, and I had to be ruthless. I lived in a world that was hostile to me, a world that would not hesitate to destroy me if I let it. I had to choose how I would live. During this process I learned many things about myself. I learned about how I communicate, how I emote/feel/process emotions. It was here that my ideas/thoughts/feelings/wishes/dreams of community was born, and my desperate hatred of broken relationship.

I learned that I could not give my family access to me. I had to be ruthless. There were some exceptions to that, but largely, I had to remove myself from that. I fully realize that my family probably did the very best they could; I don't begrudge them that. Looking back on my history with my family, I saw patterns and cycles that played themselves out again and again that I just could not be part of. Of course I saw honest people just trying their best to make do, but I couldn't risk myself buying into those patterns and cycles.

Mostly I just realized that I could not fit in. I knew from the beginning, and everyone reminded me of it constantly, that I was different. I was adopted, and the youngest. Of course I didn't fit. I know that I still don't, and never will. I remember well angry, older siblings yelling that at me. Remember, I have learned to be ruthless. I must be. There was a time when talking about this made me angry. There is no anger anymore. Some sadness, some regret. But I was taught to be ruthless, determined and dogged. The fact is that I have so little in common with my family that I am sure that they don't even know who I am anymore. They are certainly strangers to me.

To the anonymous family member who commented: I am really, truly glad that you enjoy family Christmases. You are right when you say that they are what you make it. I don't want to offend you, or belittle your feelings, memories or your beliefs. I am glad that you felt those things; that you wanted the best for me, or that you loved me. Those are the best things about family. I do not for a moment believe that it was all bad. Not by a long shot. But please understand that it cannot undo so many years of hurt and negative reinforcement. Its not about forgiveness - that was done years ago - its about consequence. This is the cost of those years. There is no way to say this without it sounding like judgement, so I won't even try. I need to take care of myself. I will not - cannot - risk the goals I have for myself.

I am nowhere near perfect. I am still stunted, emotionally constipated, and generally fucked up. I am like an alcoholic walking by a string of bars. I know myself; I know what I can risk and what I cannot. I know where I can walk and where I cannot. I have to be ruthless. You can call me unforgiving, uncompassionate, unChrist-like, hateful, selfish, retributionary, an asshole, whatever. The truth is that I am done being hurt by this. The only person who can hurt you are those that you give permission to, and that permission was revoked long ago.

But I am sorry that I have hurt you, hence the sadness and regret. It is not right. Perhaps you even have an intention to reconcile and restore. That is so right, noble and godly that it makes my heart hurt. And its not right that I cannot go there. The truth is, there is nothing right in this whole mess. Someone once told me that after a messy relationship there some you can have dinner with, and some you can't. As much as I hate it, as much as I want to be one of those people that you can have dinner with - the person is right.

Some would say that this is the very worst context to have this experience, and they're probably right. This is the only context that I can open. I don't know what the right answer is - I don't think there is one.

My Talisman

2005-12-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

A talisman is, by definition, an object marked with magic or arcane signs and is believed to confer on its bearer supernatural powers or protection. Or, more generally, something that apparently has magic power.

While I was researching my grad thesis I ran into them all the time. They could be literally anything, but usually was either a relic of a dead person that was thought to have great power, or a small piece of stone or wood carved in the likeness of some diety or patron. It was thought that by carrying or "invoking" the talisman you could share in the power of the person or diety to which the talisman referred. For example, a priest of certain animistic religions would often carry the dessicated finger bone - usually the right ring finger - of their dead master. It was believed that the power of the dead wizard would be transferred, at will, into the living apprentice. This is of course, related to habits of cannibalism and head-hunting in several primitive cultures. The way it was explained to me was that the power is deep in the earth, like a resevoir, and that the user of the magic, ie the wizard/priest/etc is like a wick in a lantern. For the magic to work, the user had to provide a "spark" that would release the power of the magic. The purpose of the talisman would be to provide that spark and to add the dead person - or god's - power of control to the release of the magic. You would often prefer the talisman of your dead master over to the totem of your god, since your master's energy is already more keyed to your own, and gods have a reputation for being notorious capricious. In short, the talisman was an extremely powerful item, if you knew how to use it, and if it was procured in the correct way. If it was a relic of the person, preferrably the best way to collect it was in the final moments of life, and preferrably after YOU kill your master. Also, the more the relic was essential to life, or symbolized the connection of the person to the magic, the more powerful it was, and the more powerful you had to be to use it correctly. The most powerful relics were the heart and penis, though the finger bone was considered an appropriate compromise.

The point of it all was that in using the talisman, for all intents and purposes, you became that person. Ostensibly they were already very powerful and accomplished, and the more you could appear to be that person the better, when you had to trick your god into interceding for you.

I offer all that as prologue. Consider the emergent church's use of Brian McLaren as a talisman. I recently read an article written by him that addresses this issue. Check out the pdf here. He talks about not really knowing the person that people talk about when they use his name/books/etc to support their ideas.

Now, I really like McLaren. In my experience he has been an excellent bridge between emergent practioners and theoreticians. As well, I really resonate with his missional focus.

However, I must admit to using his name like a talisman. Anytime that I needed to add a little weight or authority to my ideas, I would whip out Generous Orthodoxy, or whatever equivalent text and say that the legendary McLaren agrees with me. The name "McLaren," previously only referred to stupidly fast and expensive cars in my brain. Now it has taken on a mythic quality, almost to the point that you could add "the" to the beginning. "THE McLaren." Sounds like a totem to me.

To my eyes, this amounts to history's use of Calvin, Luther, Wesley, AB Simpson, and so on. Those men became symbols for movements that were largely outside their control. Now, we have a different pantheon. Now, there is McLaren, Newbiggin, Sweet, etc. I can see why some are considering the emergent movement in the context of a denomination. We are following the pattern fairly closely.

It was my understanding, and granted I am no emergent guru, that we have no set rules, no strictures, no forms. I thought that the emergent conversation was concerned with the incarnation of mission, the integration of faith and lifestyle and the desire to live in harmony with God in a reality that is hostile toward God. I thought that we were not so much interested in adopting new "presbyters" like McLaren/Sweet/etc, but rather in seeing Christ. Allowing them to inform our conversation, not guide it.

Of course I could be wrong. I have avoided much of the reading and minutia of the emergent movement, for exactly that reason. I have become familar with some of the basics, but largely I want my own personality, my own thoughts to guide me, instead of becoming another Paggitt rip off.

But i could be wrong; I often am.

The Porno Caper

2005-12-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Mack keeps telling me that I should come up with a better name for it, but "the porno caper" has just sort of stuck.

Here at the House, we are into doing things together. Eating, watching movies, jamming, cleaning, showering. Ha! Just kidding. We rarely clean.

So Mack has to go and buy a copy of the Ragamuffin Gospel, (an awesome book that everyone should read and study) so he had to go to that Dark Abyss of Such Unspeakable Evil that We Dare Not Speak Its Name, otherwise known as the local Christian bookstore; I would say which, but again, it is the Dark Abyss of Such Unspeakable Evil that We Dare Not Speak Its Name. So in keeping with this together philosphy, I went with him. As well, as his pastor, I couldn't very well send a young guy like Mack into the Dark Abyss of Such Unspeakable Evil that We Dare Not Speak Its Name alone. However, to get the copy of the book that he needed, we were forced to go to the store on the north side of town. This is where it gets good.

This particular store is RIGHT NEXT DOOR - same strip mall, doors are only twenty feet apart - to a porn shop. If I had a camera, the picture would be on this blog right now! It was great. One stop shopping, I guess. You stand in the parking lot (the SHARED parking lot) and on your left you have #^&*ings Christian Marketplace and on your right you have Adult Video Store. (or whatever its name was) The two stores share a wall! It was great.

So we were in the Dark Abyss of Such Unspeakable Evil that We Dare Not Speak Its Name, and the abominations that we saw will chill my soul forever. Something tells me that my soul would have been less troubled in the porno shop. I saw the "spiritual biography" of George Bush. It was called "Man of Faith: The Spiritual Journey of George Bush." Oh yeah. Check it out here. Here's a quote from the Dark Abyss of Such Unspeakable Evil that We Dare Not Speak Its Name's website about the book: "More than any other world leader in recent times, George W. Bush is a man of faith…a conservative Christian who has brought the power of prayer and the search for God’s will into the Oval Office..." OH. MY. GOD. I have no words. None.

So we were on our way out, and I just couldn't help myself. I said to the teller, "I coudln't help but notice your nieghbor," tilting my head in the direction of the porn shop. She went on to talk about glaring at people who go in, hoping to make them feel guilty, suggested that we should go outside and hand out tracts on the evil of pornography, talked about how they hoped to force them out of business, and so on. I suggested that it was an interesting commentary on society, to which she said that it was like "good and evil." The hostility was extreme, and frankly not surprising.

So Mack and I were about to drive away, and I looked at the porno shop, and said, "Mack, I'm going in. I just have to talk to this guy!" So, dutifully leaving Mack in the car, I ran INTO the porno shop.

Careful of where I direct my gaze, I walk up to the counter and introduce myself to the owner, who was working behind the counter. His name was Mark. I could tell right away that he was thrown off. Something tells me he doesn't have personal conversations with many of his customers. I ask him how he feels about working next to a christian bookstore. This was his response. I have tried to remember it exactly, but don't quote me. He said, "I have no problem with them whatsoever. They believe in what they're doing, and I applaud them for that. They seem like nice people, and I wish them all the success in the world." I was awestruck that this man, owner of a pornography store was representing Christ more to me than the judgemental employee at the christian bookstore. When I repeated the conversation that I had with the bookstore employee, Mark only laughed. He went on, "I try not to judge. I don't agree with or like some of the things that my customers buy, but that's their business." He especially liked the comment that the employee wanted to put Mark out of business. He said, "They can hate me if they want. I will still smile and say hello when we pass in the parking lot."

Don't get me wrong. Porn is hurtful, sinful and damaging to our society, our minds, and our spirits. It is growing danger. It objectifies men AND women, and builds, proliferates and promotes negative sexual attitudes. I have seen first hand the damage that porn does to families, marriages and lives.

I just found it interesting the difference in the attitudes. The one that you would expect to be loving was not, and the one that you would expect to be angry and hostile was not. As we talked, I told Mark that I was a pastor. He asked me about my church, and I hold him about the House, and he was interested, so I gave him my info. He then started to ask questions about Christianity, and morality, and we had a really awesome discussion. Something was begun there.

I don't know if I will ever see or hear from Mark. But at least he got to be exposed to a Christian that didn't automatically hate him.

It was a good caper.

That Time

2005-12-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well, its THAT time of year again.

You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, THAT that time of year.

Everyone knows my feelings about that time. I will not bore you with restatement. But, it is time for my annual Christmas blog post, and so here we go.

I notice that I have beat Jayson to the punch. Check out my rant from last year, here.

You can check out his - kind of - here.

So I am coming to this Christmas and thinking, what's it going to be this year?

Last Christmas I was fortunate enough to spend the Christmas season with Adam and his completely normal and well adjusted family. :) That was fun, and I made some new friends.

This Christmas I will be spending Christmas alone. I have no family entanglements, and everyone at the House will be busy with family. I am hoping to just keep my head down and weather the storm.

I wonder what will happen to our culture as more and more people lose their ability to tolerate the forms of this holiday. I am finding more and more people, who like myself, have given up on the holiday and are searching for more authentic and less painful ways to spend the season.

When I think about it, I am forced to admit that I have no positive memories of Christmas for the last ten years. During college, I would return home to find a family dissolving around me, not willing to admit it to themselves or anyone else and in the meantime force themselves to have this empty, shiny happy Christmas. After college and grad school, I was working in a church, and got exposed to the church busyness cult. That pretty much sucked all the remaining joy out of Christmas.

So, here we are at Christmas again. I feel it is necessary for me to not ruin the season for others. As hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who actually enjoy Christmas. They have positive memories, of family dinners, laughter, egg nog and carols. These are the people that look forward to Christmas all year, who can't wait to decorate the tree, and the house, and plan Christmas parties, and start their Christmas baking, do their Christmas shopping and so on. Personally, it makes the bile rise in my throat, but if they enjoy it, and it makes them happy, I don't want to ruin that. Contrary to popular belief, I am trying very hard not to ruin Christmas for others. But it is hard. When you see no redeeming qualities at all in the season, it is hard for a bastard like me to not point that out to others.

I know one person who doesn't really like Christmas, but instead throws herself into charity work for the season, and that does it for her. Admirable. In fact, I tried that this year - it helped - a little. The idea that i was making Christmas a little better for others actually made Christmas easier to handle.

I think the next couple of weeks is going to be the hardest. This is when the Christmas stuff kicks into high gear, and I am innundated with joyeux noel-isms. I can see depression setting up camp on my doorstep. There is a reason why the suicide rate spikes at this time of year. As Christmas becomes harder and harder to ignore, I will be forced to rely more and more on my own dubious mental health and discipline. But God is here.

I was hanging out with some new friends the other day, and I was talking about my dislike of Christmas. At one point I said that I hate everything that has to do with Christmas. One person said, "What about Jesus?" To which I was able to reply, very wittily I might add, "Its a good thing that Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas." Ha! I laugh at my own jokes and ignore how incredibly lame that is. :)

If you want to know my philosophical and theological reasons for disliking Christmas, check out last year's post. Mostly, though, more than the theological, philosophical and historical reasons, its the emotional reasons that drive me and end up sticking the hardest. Over the past couple of years I have been trying to shave off everything from my life that does not contribute positively to my evolution. When you have nothing but bad memories of Christmas, and there is just no joy left in it for you, I say GET RID OF IT. When did Christ ever say that we should celebrate his birth, anyway?

I know what you are thinking. Why not make new, happy memories for Christmas? Take back what was taken from me, and reclaim Christmas for myself and my own happiness. After all, I am responsible for my own happiness. Well, you're right. However, I treat my life like a trauma victim. Kind of an alarming analogy, but apt nonetheless. My life is like a trauma victim with a whole host of injuries, some more serious than others. I take care of the most pressing issues first, and then move on. Sadly, Christmas is the equivalent of a hangnail on a burn victim. Somehow I can't see the ER docs putting off the skin grafts to treat the hangnail.

So in the end, all I can say is,

Happy Fucking Holidays

and

Happy Festivus

Back from the Wilderness

2005-12-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

So I just spent the past two weeks in Saskatoon.

And I have survived to tell the story. No, actually, it was great.

I spent the time with Jayson and Estelle. Everytime I stay with them it is always so great, and I always gush about them on my blog. This is no different. They were incredibly awesome, but since I am lacking in creativity, you can insert your own gushing here. Consider yourself gushed upon.

Since I was in pain the whole time, we didn't get in our regular quota of cut loose, crazy-ass shit, but we had our moments. And Estelle and I traded recipies alot. Woot!

Some random memories from my sojourn among the flatlanders...

Chilling in the community hot tub with Jayson and Estelle, and watching a brown-stained wet-nap float serenely by.

Hanging out at Massey Place church, and getting to meet Jayson's new crew. Props out to Clayton - he's the ni... uh... man. And Ron, king of phat bass licks and sweet accordian grooves. And just for the record, Jeff has a really nice ass - Joanna is SO lucky!

Honestly though, I really enjoyed my time at Massey. The people were really warm and gracious to me. They seemed like the kind of people that i could hang out with quite easily. There seems to be a number of kindred spirits there. If I ever end up in Saskatoon, at least I know what church I would be going to. Back to the memories...

Preaching at Massey. That sermon just kept going and going and going and going and going. At least someone got something out of it. The pictures were pretty.

Hanging out with Andre and Robyn. These are Jayson's friends from Calgary who came out right at the end of my stay. It was awesome hanging out with them. I would say more, but there is a ninja haze of confusion blocking my memories... NINJA!

How often do you have to go hang out in the house of a pacifist, the pastor of a mennonite church, in order to learn about knife-fighting?

Man, that chick in the mennonite thirft store really wanted me!

Got to spend some time with Nathan and Krista. I love those guys.

Saw a little of Ryeshy. Got treated to a nocturnal symphony. Didn't get a chance to meet his squeeze.

Sitting, wrapped in two blankets, another blanket around my head, watching my breath steam in the air as we watched movies and alot of poker! And a couple of soccer games.

Going mini-golfing and ending up with a bruised knee and a gash on the top of my head. I'm sure that is something only I could manage.

Don't yell profanity in the middle of a Value Village. Lesson learned.

Don't get between Jayson and his daily consumer purchase. "Dude! These are 150 dollar Doc Martins boots! It doesn't matter if I don't need them or can't wear them!" Lesson learned.

Mennonites don't like the word "titties." Even when you say they're nice. Lesson learned.

Two words: NINJA!

I don't know how to swim in Saskatchewan either.

I had a really great time. I made some new friends, got on the nerves of some old ones, and learned some valuable lessons in the meantime. Going and spending time in SK with Jayson and Estelle always serves to challenge me in my own vision and mission, help me understand things just a but better, and I always end up relaxed and refreshed. Thankfully, they keep me to a fairly relaxed pace, even when I'm told we have to leave in six minutes and thirty-seven seconds. I had no idea that any one man could drink as much Coke Zero as I did. Good thing I'm only drinking salty water. You should always have a retreat... a place you can go and decompress, reorient, and gain perspective. For some, its the mountains, or a retreat center somewhere... for me, its Saskatoon with Jayson and Estelle.

An Answer

2005-11-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

I love checking my email. I love checking my email. I love checking my email. I love checking my email. I love checking my email. I love checking my email. I love checking my email. I love checking my email, etc.

So I got this email the other day. Actually, it was an email notification of a post on this blog. I love getting these emails. Normally. This time, the post was from someone who had visited my blog and read my post/rant about Lakewood Church in Houston, TX, and my rampant dislike/disrespect for Joel Osteen, the pastor of said church.

The link to that post is here.

The cool thing was that this post was from an ATTENDER of Lakewood. Uh oh, I thought. Then I read it. I have reproduced her comment here, since i am sure that anyone who reads my blog does read my entire archive before they read the newest post. Here she is, UNEDITED...

"For the record, our sanctuary holds 16,000 seats not 57,000.

If you had seen the facility that we were in previously, holding 8,000 and bursting at the seams every weekend so much so that we had to have four weekend English services, you would understand the move.

Yes the facility is costing an estimated 75 Million dollars for renovations. Besides providing jobs, Lakewood does so much more.

Yes healthcare is an issue, but why doesn't anyone say anything about a basketball playing spending 5 Million dollars on a house just for himself. You are harping on a minister who no longer accepts a salary from his church.

While bashing this minister, did you happen to research the thousands of Lakewood volunteers who went to the Astrodome daily to assist in whatever capacity we could? Did you happen to research the millions of dollars we poured into the relief effort? Did you look into the fact that our former facility was used as a Katrina shelter? Or are you just focused on the fact that 75Million dollars was spent to renovate a church that draws in the unchurched by the masses and giving them a little more hope than they had before?

If we can spend millions of taxpayers money on SPORTS games, what is the problem is a church wants to spend millions of its own money [and money of those who willingly pledge] to affect change in its city and the lives of others.

Pick on those ministers who drive their bentleys, and have their helicopters, and don't pay taxes on their million dollar homes that they claim as church parishes [none of which are done by Joel].

Miss Krys, at 12:52 AM "

Okaaay... where do I begin? Might as well be systematic. Although, I will repeat here what I said in my original post, perhaps the part that Miss Krys did not read.

Let me just begin this rant by saying that I am sure that the Osteens are genuine Christians that love God and only want to do his work, and are accomplishing their calling the best way that they know how. I am confident that God is in their church, and that salvation can be found in their teaching, and that lives are being changed by their ministry that they are making a difference for the good in Houston. Also, I have never been to their church, talked to the Osteens, nor anyone from their church. I have visited their website, read some of their matierals, but that's it. Whew.

Now, back to it. She says, "For the record, our sanctuary holds 16,000 seats not 57,000."
"For the record," I was quoting the CNN article, and Joel himself during the interview, that 57,000 people had attended their opening service; now whether that was over a number of services, or a number of days, I don't know, but that was the number he said. Check out the video of the interview. That number is HIS, not mine. For the record.

"If you had seen the facility that we were in previously, holding 8,000 and bursting at the seams every weekend so much so that we had to have four weekend English services, you would understand the move." This is my favourite. The church was "bursting at the seams" with ONLY 8000 seatings and four services. Oh my. I guess you wouldn't want to, oh, I don't know... PLANT A NEW CHURCH, or anything like that. Nope. Gotta go bigger. I mean, you wouldn't want to spread the resources around a bit, allow new ideas and more creativity. That would be bad. Better to just pile everyone into a football stadium.

"...did you happen to research the thousands of Lakewood volunteers..." Nope, I didn't. Good on you though. Volunteering at your church is good, godly, and spiritually formative.

"Did you happen to research the millions of dollars we poured into the relief effort?" Nope, cause I wrote that post in July. The hurricanes hadn't happened yet.

"Did you look into the fact that our former facility was used as a Katrina shelter?" Uh... nooo... are we just not familar with the whole idea of the spacetime continuum, that events happen in a sequence, and that events usually have to happen BEFORE you write about it? I mean, I'm no prophet like Joel... (now, that was a bit offside now, wasn't it?)

"Or are you just focused on the fact that 75Million dollars was spent to renovate a church that draws in the unchurched by the masses and giving them a little more hope than they had before?" Yep. Pretty much. Ask Kelly how much good that 75 million could have done in the Sudan. Or Indonesia. Or Mexico. Or the Ukraine. Or Brazil. Or maybe, just f*$#ing maybe the streets of Houston, or Washington DC or Chicago or New York, or Los Angeles. Maybe you should go to the five year old orphan living in GARBAGE in Manila and tell her about the fancy building. I'm sure she would really love it. Or maybe talk to Shirley, who was in Ethiopia, immunizing children; she might have some ideas about how 75 million dollars could be spent. Or maybe you should talk to Ruth Hussein, the Iraqi widow, whose husband was shot to death in a Christian bookstore. I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about hope. Or maybe talk to John Cardinal who lives on the streets of Edmonton, who has to beg for food due to a combination of mental illness, bureaocratic red tape and hopelessness. I'm sure he'll agree that the money was well spent, that is, if he even cares. Its pretty hard to care about church buildings when you're starving. How about all the missionary organizations that barely scrape together tiny budgets to build houses, create adequate drinking water sources, buy medication, and so on. Perhaps you should talk to the folks over at the Coalition for the Homeless of Houston/Harris County. They might have some use for 75 million dollars. By the way, according to Joel, the number, including the purchase price, was $91,000,000. I could go on.

"If we can spend millions of taxpayers money on SPORTS games, what is the problem is a church wants to spend millions of its own money [and money of those who willingly pledge] to affect change in its city and the lives of others." See previous paragraph.

Alright, that's enough. I think I'm starting to get a little mean-spirited. (Starting?)

It comes back to the question of mission. What are we here for? To hoard money and then buy/build/renovate lavish buildings that only serve to further alienate us from the hurting people that are already around us? Safe hidey holes where we can go and pat ourselves on the back, listen to inspiring messages and lift our hands and sway ecstatically to incredible music? Nice, good-smelling places were the rough, bad-smelling people won't/can't go? I seem to remember Jesus kicking over tables in places like that.

I'm sorry, I just can't help but get emotional about this. I work with Habitat for Humanity; I have met the families that can barely afford to RENT, let alone own a house. I work with UNICEF. I have worked with food banks and homeless shelters. I have built houses and dug wells. There are several times 57,000 or 18,000 or whatever, children who will starve in the next month or so, under the age of five. How DARE we defend our entitlement, our avarice, our affluence, when those lives will be snuffed out without us here in North America even noticing? How DARE we when people will die TONIGHT on the streets of our own cities while we fall asleep in front of our TV's watching Desperate Housewives? I count myself CHIEF among these sinners. I am no better.

I will pray for Joel and Victoria. Not because I pity them, or disagree with them. We are on the same side. They wield TREMENDOUS power and influence, more than I ever will in my life, even if you take all that I have ever had and ever will and add it together. I will pray that they wield it thoughtfully, prayerfully, and with as much Christ-likeness as possible.

A Song

2005-11-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am such a moron. I just discovered Dave Matthews. I am always so musically retarded. Anyway...

I hope you are listening...

Where Are You Going?

Where are you going, with your long face pulling down?
Don’t hide away, like an ocean
But you can’t see, but you can... smell
And the sound of waves crashing down

I am no superman, not at all
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero; oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are, is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I wannna be

Where are you going? where do you go?
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me
Until a brighter day and you're OK

I am no superman
and I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that's for sure
But I do know one thing is
Where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go
Is where I wanna be

Where are you going? Where do you go?

Where do you go? Where are you going?
Where do you go?

I am no superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero; oh that's for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I want to be

Where are you going? Where do you go?

It hurts when I listen to this song, but its a good hurt, if such a thing is possible. Dave Matthews... what the heck?

Community Health Plan

2005-11-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

Okay.

I am detecting a growing sentiment suggesting that I am not taking my illness seriously; either as means of denial or selfishness. My laissez faire attitude has some people concerned that I don't really care if I'm around much longer. They are concerned that I am not doing all I should to ensure my continued struggle on this mortal coil. Perhaps.

The truth is that I feel no real strong self-preservation instinct. It is beginning to appear... unseemly to so desperately cling to a life that I am not really meant for in the first place. Consider, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Never have I so profoundly nor prolifically considered Philippians 1:21-25. I have never really considered this passage all that deeply. Paul says,

"For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live. I am convinced of this, so I will continue with you so that you will grow and experience the joy of your faith..."

I was meditating on this passage this afternoon in our chapel, and it made me weep. As I read those words I felt the full weight of my thirty years here, the weight of the man of death that I carry, the weight of all the struggle, toil and torment in this metaphorical suit three sizes too small. I felt it, and it was real. "... living is for Christ, and dying is even better..." To be free; finally, forever, and utterly free, to return to my one and only home, and simply to rest in the embrace of my Master, rest like my soul has longed for and cried for... I have to admit, in that moment I looked with tearful anticipation upon the failure of my liver, and saw it as a liberator. I saw a gap in the walls of my prison, and my heart soared. To be free of my sin, and its consequences, the broken relationships, the lies, the petty fustrations and spiteful angers. How could anyone not look upon that with hope?

"... but it is better for you that I live. I am convinced of this, so I will continue with you..." What did I say before? That I knew from long ago that my life is not my own? I live within community; a community that loves me, and of whom I am a living part. I have said on many occaisions that these people own me. God has called me to these people. Do I perceive a release from that calling? No. So how do these coexist?

So well I understand Paul's words, "... I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ..."

There is a real issue for community here, something I am going to have to figure out. Its more than just whether I live or die. Ultimately, that is God's hands alone, he will do as he jolly well wants to.

The question that I put to all of you is, how do we as a community respond to this, and how do I, as a leader and participant in this community respond to it? Do we force me to adopt a strict vegetarian diet and a rigourous exercise schedule, while making me sleep for twelve hours a day? Do I need to focus more or less on my disease, "take it more seriously?"

The problem is, I am perfectly at peace with my illness. There are moments of fear, but that's normal and healthy to fear death. But mostly, I am at peace. I am happy with the life I have led, and I am content with my accomplishments. I am not without regrets, but I have lived a full, adventurous life, in most cases more than any man could ask for. That being said, there is still much left for me to do, but to this point, I'm okay with the path my life has taken, more or less. Trust me, over the past weeks of dealing with this illness, considering the path your life has taken takes up a fair bit of your time. God has granted me alot of joy, love and beauty. I have seen things that would thrill anyone. If I go, then I can go content that God has given me more than my fair share. Likewise, I would really like to live. There are many things that I have yet to experience, that I really would like to. I'd like to publish a few more books, I would like to see the House evolve into something yet to be discovered, I would like to be standing around when God touches a few more people, I would like to hug the people that I have missed for so long and laugh in their arms, I would like to kiss my one, true love. All these things are in my future, and I would really like to see them. The funny thing is that all these things WILL happen, if there is enough time. But, either way, I am content. My Master has been kind to me thus far, and he will continue to be undeservedly kind to me. My Master's favour will rest on me whether he calls me to rest or to toil. I have no reason, nor desire, to complain.

I am sorry if that peace has appeared as apathy or resignation.

More Good News

2005-11-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

So I went back to the Butcher today.

I have been feeling uniformly bad for awhile, and his constant poking and prodding, and blood-letting has been taking alot out of me. However, this time he lets me know that my spleen is still enlarged, and from the look of my blood work, there's a chance that it might be inflamed and/or infected. He wasn't quite clear. Also from my blood work he is now worried about my liver in a more direct sense, and he wants to do a liver biopsy. He says there is a way to do it without an incision, but I think he's just suckering me into something.

This is the best part. He suggested to me today that I should make "emergency arrangements." In other words, if I crash, or my liver suddenly shuts down, or some other sudden problem with my plumbing occurs, that I would have people informed as to what to do, and who to inform, etc, etc. So, the idea is that I let everyone at the House know what to do and who to call should they find me unconcious (from something other than extreme exhaustion or beer) or if I should collapse. Nice.

So explain to me why I SHOULDN'T hate doctors?

Sorry if I sound dramatic. Perhaps I am just a drama queen. :)

IN OTHER NON-HEALTH-RELATED NEWS...

Went to the Evangelical Free Church district conference last weekend. Most of you have probably already read Chuck's blog, and know this already, but I will say this anyway.

THE HOUSE IS NOW AN OFFICIAL EVANGELICAL FREE CHURCH!

That's right, last weekend Mack, Charity and I ventured into the north to the town of Lac La Biche and got warm and cozy with the rest of our EFCC brethern... and sisteren.

It was a great conference. This time, no one called us a pseudo-catholic cult, or accuse me of watering down the gospel, or of being a hated liberal.

In all, everyone was very welcoming, very loving, and very supportive. I got a chance to meet and connect with the other church planters in our district, and I think that Ron, Kevin and I will be getting along VERY well. I got to meet the pastors from our more established churches, and found some really good fellowship. Even if Marvin Penner and I have now been labeled the token mystics. As I talked to these guys I realized that the E Free denomination is going to be a really great fit for us. There is alot of people in our denomination that think like us, and they give us the freedom to find our own way, but at the same time offer the maturity and wisdom that us young whippersnappers sometimes lack. Although, I think they were expecting me to be a bit more... serious than I was.

I look at this denominational affiliation and I am very happy. I could not think of a better denomination to be part of; just the right combination of hands-off and hands-on. And if anyone knows about hands-on and hands-off, its me.

We are slowly building a foundation. I am happy to see the progress, not just administratively, but relationally twixt the members of the House, and our willingness to take the next step. I am still struggling with thinking about the House in the terms of a normal church, with attendence, programs, and the such. I need to keep reminding myself that the House is something else altogether, and that I cannot continue to judge our progress or lack thereof by the standard of what I have been taught. The truth is, only God knows the standard. I just wish he would give me some kind of a clue...

Anway, that's enough for tonight. I am tired, and i have a biopsy to mull over incessantly, robbing me from sleep.

Bring it

2005-10-23T11:01:00.000-06:00

So I have not been feeling well lately. Exhausted all the time, fuzzy in the head, hot flashes, etc. (No, I am not menopausing) It was really interfering with my work and the House, not to mention my sanity. When you are tired ALL THE TIME, your threshold for certain things is much, much lower. As your physical strength is drained, your creativity and drive go with it. As a writer, whose living depends on creativity and drive, this is disastrous.

So, against my better judgement, and contrary to every possible instinct, I broke down and went to a doctor. Have I mentioned that I hate doctors? In my experience, doctors are only good for one thing. But that's a different story.

So I went to the doctor. I have went to this guy before, and he's competent, skilled even, and really good at what he does. I still despise him, though. In any case, he poked and prodded me, took blood samples, samples of other stuff that I won't mention here, and so on.

Right away he diagnosed extreme exhaustion and dehydration. He scolded me about not eating more regularly. He told me to eat more protein and more leafy green vegetables, less simple carbs, more complex carbs. He told me to up my liquid intake, and consider a vitamin supplement. He suggested that I try meditation or yoga to calm myself down. I nodded and tried not to punch him in the face. I succeeded. This time.

He told me what he thought it was, but he couldn't be sure until he got my blood back. So, I left and waited to be called. He called me the next day. Good news/bad news he said. Good news, my cholesterol was 137. Then he rattled off a bunch of stuff, only some of which I remember - by RBC (what the royal bank has to do with this I don't know) was 5.2, my HGB was 17, blah, blah, blah. All good numbers, he said. With a few exceptions.

It turned out that he was right. So, I went back to his office. Back into hell I stalwartly march. Have I mentioned that I hate doctors?

I have adult form mononucleosis. Yeah, the kissing disease. Where I caught it from, that's a different story.

I know what you're thinking - no big deal, right? You're tired, you sleep alot a month later or so back to normal, right?

Sure, if I was sixteen. I guess its a little more serious as an adult. Check this out.

Now that I have this disease, I have a greater than 40% chance of COMPLETE liver, kidney or spleen FAILURE. Or any combination of the three.

If I happen to avoid the organ failure, there is a greater than one in three chance that I will end up with some manner of organ DAMAGE.

The doctor so cheerfully mentions that my spleen is already enlarged, and that too much physical activity, or the wrong kind of physical activity can rupture it. If it ruptures, then its nighty-night for Matty.

So the short end of the stick is that I have to go back to this butcher once a week so he can take MORE blood and tissue samples so that he can monitor the health of my organs, in case they begin to fail.

But wait, if we bring to bear the full marvel of modern 21st century medical technology and knowledge, if we exercise the extreme arrogance of the medical profession and avail ourselves of nigh miraculous acheivements of the last fifty years of medical advancement, how do we treat this?

We don't. "There is no effecacious short or long term therapy that would effect any significant improvement," was what the butcher said. So, in this dazzling modern age, in the face of a potentially life-threatening disease, our response is to wait and see if it fixes itself? It reminds of me of Homer Simpson, before his final exam in college, saying that his strategy was to hind under some coats and just hope that everything works out.

But hey, at least he gave me some tips on improving my liver health, and some changes to my diet.
It's all shadows. Shadows chasing themselves across a sunny field. The arrogance galls me.

No, the butcher is a nice guy. He's skilled, earnest, and he showed remarkable compassion. As butchers go, he's not half bad.

He said that the exhaustion will continue, with intermittent sore throats and fevers. Possibly for six to eight months. After that, should I avoid organ damage/failure, I will be back to normal, no harm done.

So I have spent the past few days trying to integrate this into my thinking. I feel the disease at work in my body, and I can sense the frayed edges of my mortality everytime i have to stop half way up the stairs, or when the exhaustion is like a giant hand pressing on me. The desire to sleep is constant.

When I used to visit people in the hospital, especially terminal cases, I was taught to help the person focus on life, that if they became consumed with thoughts of their impending death that it would only serve to hasten the event, and ruin the standard of living in the meantime.

Thus, I have been forcing myself to think about how much I want to live, about how much I love life.

The problem is that I feel within me need for submission. Part of me says that my Master calls. If I an eager to jump to whatever task my master sets for me, whether that be the House, or whatever, who am I to pick and choose which paths my Master sets for me? That perhaps the greatest submission to your master is to step joyfully into the great darkness? Christ is my master, should I walk through light OR darkness. Christ is my master beyond the boundaries of this small life, and this tiny world. If he chooses to spare me, to grant to me a few more days, or to beckon me to other paths, that is HIS right. I have known for a long time, and many of you have heard me say this, that my life is not my own.

This experience has given me new insight into the Rich Mullins' song "Elijah."

The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord, I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will

This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

There's people been friendly, but they'd never be your friends
Sometimes this has bent me to the ground
Now that this is all ending
I want to hear some music once again
'Cause it's the finest thing that I have ever found

But the Jordan is waiting
Though I ain't never seen the other side
Still they say you can't take in the things you have here
So on the road to salvation
I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride
And His music is already falling on my ears

There's people been talking
They say they're worried about my soul
Well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking
'Til I'm sure it's my time to roll
And when I do

When I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

'Cause when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

To Hell With This...

2005-10-11T01:15:00.000-06:00

So Jayson and I spent some time in Saskatoon a couple of weeks ago (okay, so it was a few months now) fighting (not debating, or discussing, or dialoguing) about hell. He asked me to blog about it. Check out his thoughts here.

So, I am preparing a defense of the more... classical understanding of the doctrine of eternal punishment. I would like to point anyone who is interested to probably the most definitive work on the subject, "Death and the Afterlife" by Dr. Robert Morey, Bethany House Publishers, ISBN: 076422686X.

I am choosing not to get involved in the philosophic or ethical issues around the doctrine of hell. I know that is precisely what Jayson is interested in, but I think a more Scripture-centric exploration would be more informative, and less distracted by more present-day cultural interpretations. For the purposes of this blog, I will limit myself to an examination of Matthew 25:31-46 and 2 Thessalonians 1:6-10.

My thesis is that eternal punishment is actual, conscious, and everlasting, based upon a literal reading of the two passages. More to the point, this thesis is supported in a general sense of the references to the doctrine of eternal punishment throughout the New Testament. Of course, I am dealing with New Testament passages here, and reflect a New Testament sensibility. The truth is that the Old Testament is vague to the point of incoherency about the nature of the afterlife, punitive or otherwise, and the New Testament is several orders of magnitude more explicit, though still not adequately explicit for some. Personally, I am not comfortable with this thesis. More on that later.

A note on my approach to Scripture. To me, the words of the Scriptures are absolute. I don't necessarily follow with all this post-modern "culturally layered meta-narrative story evolution" bull-shyte. I believe that God intended for the Scriptures to be understood simply and clearly. The original writers had an intention that they were trying to share, and it is my job as exegete to uncover that intention. The Scriptures are the result of an oral tradition and were originally intended for a simple, though culturally estranged from us, audience. That tells me that the Scriptures do not need an overly complicated or sophisticated interpretive model. If some barely literate pastor in some third world country can hold the new testament, newly translated into his own language, and derive comfort and instruction for his community without "appreciating the subtle nuances of culture and historical interpretation," then I should be able to as well.

MATTHEW 25:31-46 -- This is the apocalyptic chapter of Matthew in which Jesus is talking about final things. In chapter 24 he talked about the end of days, "one will be taken, the other left," what some call the Rapture. He then moves on and tells two parables. One, about the talents, suggesting that we need take care with which we fill our days, for when the Master returns, there will be an accounting; a clear reference to judgement, specifically of works. Then he tells the parable of the wise and foolish virgins. The wise virgins brought extra oil, while the foolish ones only took what they immediately needed. Thus, when they ran out, the foolish virgins had to go back, and miss the rendezvous with the Bridegroom. Again, there is a connotation of impending judgement, and the need to be prepared, for the judgement will be swift, unblinking and final. The next section is what some call the parable of the sheep and the goats. Though I am no textual scholar, it seems to me that the language in this section is sufficiently different to suggest that this is not a parable like the others. The first two parables both dealt with the subject of judgement in an earthly sense; first as an accounting of earthly deeds, and then in reference to preparation for some mysterious future event. The language in both these is particularly figurative, while in the third story, suddenly the language becomes much more definite. There are certain things that are interesting to note in this story. First is the use of more classical apocalyptic language. One of the textbook definitions of apocalyptic language is the use of vivid descriptive language. Jesus describes the throne, and those gathered before it. Jesus uses the pastoral metaphor of separating sheep from goats as a shepherd would; an image well known to his rustic listeners, but there is never the sense that Jesus is implying that actual sheep and goats were being divided. He says that the people were being divided AS a shepherd would separate goats from among his flock of sheep. Also, interestingly, Jesus identifies himself here, in referencing "the Son of Man," a title that Jesus frequently used to describe himself. Again, the judgement here was in reference to earthly deeds, specifically the treatment of the poor, displaced, oppressed or the disenfranchised. This is a departure from classical parable language. Also, the fate of the righteous and the wicked are described with almost poetic clarity: "Come, you who have been blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world," "Get away from me, you who are accursed, into the eternal fire that has been prepared for the devil and his angels!" "These people will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life." The interesting thing in this passage is the juxtaposition, in verse 46, of eternal punishment and eternal life. This kind of almost poetic contrast is common in Hebrew poetry, though this is not poetry. The Greek in this passage is "kolaysin aionion," which literally means, "punishment/torment/painful disquietude of infinite duration." The Greek word "kolaysin" refers to the physical torture, pain or torment one receives as punishment for wrongdoing. The original readers would have understood this as a physical pain, not mental or spiritual anguish. The Greek word "aionion" is generally translated "eternal," though it refers to DURATION rather than nature. The original readers would have understood this to be referring to an unending span of time.

A note here as to the Greek word "aionion." This is the word that we derive our word "eon" from, meaning an indefinite span of time, nonetheless with a beginning and an end. There are some scholars that ascribe this connotation to the meaning of the word, and their evidence is legion. It is the application of this theory that produces purgatory theology such as that of the Roman Catholic Church. However, the Patristics were unanimous in their belief in an unending lucid afterlife, both positive and negative. However, to be fair, the belief in purgatory can be found in the Patristics as well. As well, it should be noted that the translators of the major bible translations, such as the NASB, NIV, NRSV, and the NKJV do not render the word in this manner, and rather tend to prefer the "everlasting" connotation. Now, alternatively, the Greek phrase "zoayne aionion," literally means, "living existence/life/opposite of death of infinite duration." Most people have no problem with the idea of an eternal heaven where the righteous enjoy God's presence and are rewarded for their faithfulness for eternity. However, in this same passage, using the same language, even in the same sentence Jesus, through the written words of the Apostle Matthew, speaks of never-ending torment for those cast away from God's presence.

The clear indication from this passage is that the idea that the author (Matthew) was trying convey was that the speaker (Christ) was intimating a final positive and negative consequence for the way we choose to live our lives. That negative consequence, hell, is portrayed as of infinite duration; punitive in nature, away from God's presence, and that the victims of this consequence are entirely lucid.

2 THESSALONIANS 1:6-10 -- In 2 Thessalonians Paul was writing to an influential Greek church on the main roman road east, the Via Egnatia. In his previous letter, he commended them for the faith and set to correcting some of their beliefs about the end times. The correction did not seem to be sufficient, since almost the entirety of the second letter is given over to eschatological explanation. The large idea in this book is suffering. This is common throughout the New Testament. NT writers often waxed eschatological in order to comfort the Christians they were writing to. This is the intent of the entire book of Revelation. It seemed to be the aim of the NT writers to bring persecuted Christians comfort by placing their hope in the future, where everything will be sorted out, the wicked will get what's coming to them, and the righteous will be rewarded for their faith, and God's sovereignty will ultimately be exercised. The Thessalonian Christians were still under considerable persecution, and Paul was writing to them to encourage them. Coming to 1:6-10 specifically, Paul is encouraging the believers as to the fate of those that persecute them. The passage refers to God repaying with affliction those that had caused affliction on the believers. Paul comforts the Thessalonian Christians by essentially saying, "Don't worry, those bastards that made you suffer will get their comeuppance. God will destroy them for what they have done." The retributionary nature of this punishment is a key idea. In this case Paul was referring to the Romans, of course, and the unfolding vilification of the Roman Empire is a recurring theme in New Testament writings. The NIV says, "... This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. He will punish those who do not know God (the Romans) and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. (The unbelievers, and by extension, the Romans) They (those that don't know God and/or have rejected the gospel) will be punished with everlasting destruction (olethron aionion) and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power..." In the same passage, the NKJV says that Christ will come "... in flaming fire taking vengeance on those who do not know God..." The interesting Greek phrase "olethron aionion" is used here. This should be juxtaposed with "kolaysin aionion," which we examined in the last passage. The construction is similar. In this passage, "olethron" is rendered "destruction," although there is a connotation of an ongoing destruction. Matthew Henry, the great Puritan scholar, says about this passage, "This destruction will be everlasting. They shall be always dying, and yet never die. Their misery will run parallel with the line of eternity. The chains of darkness are everlasting chains, and the fire is everlasting fire. It must needs be so, since the punishment is inflicted by an eternal God, fastening upon an immortal soul, set out of the reach of divine mercy and grace." Olethron does not connate annihilation. It does not suggest that something is completely obliterated, but rather ruined, corrupted, wrecked, damaged beyond repair; sort of the way that we would say that a car that had been totaled in an accident has been "destroyed." So, these poor wretches will suffer the agony of being wrecked, ruined, or damaged beyond repair for all of eternity; of always dying, but never being dead. This should not be confused with the judgement of God in this world. God deals out punishment and destruction in this life, but it is always through instruments; such as his use of Nebuchadnezzar to destroy the nation of Israel, etc. But, in this case, the punishment will come directly from the hand of God himself. As I see it, the implication is clear. Again, we see a punitive afterlife based upon the actions of those involved. That afterlife is actual, ongoing, everlasting and lucid.

How do we respond to this? What does this tell us about the nature of the God that we serve, that we call Master? The truth is I cannot defend the ethicality of a God that would inflict such horrible punishment on someone in an entirely retributionary sense. In the biblical witness concerning hell, there is no discussion of reconciliation or rehabilitation. Personally, that flies in the face of what I know about God. As far as I see from the biblical record, hell, or the lake of fire, or whatever you want to call it is an END. You go to hell, and that is IT. I am not comfortable with this at all. Yet I believe it. I must.

And yet... I do not judge the Scriptures from my experience, rather the reverse. I am required to say that I must conclude I am missing something about the nature of God. I would prefer a gentler God, but it is not my place to judge my Master. Maybe, just maybe, God is not the God of North American Evangelicalism. Perhaps we are guilty of anthropomorphizing God just a bit too much. God is not like us. We are created in his image, but he is nonetheless alien to us. He says in Isaiah 55:8,9: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." If he was so much like us, then the incarnation would not have been necessary. Perhaps we are no better off than some South American tribe that has heard of Christ, but has had no explicit teaching. Perhaps the past five hundred years of Protestantism and the preceding thousand years of institutional Christianity has served to do nothing more than insulate and isolate us from the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. What is it that the Gospel of Thomas says... "... do not look for me in a house of stone, but split a piece of wood and I am there, turn a stone and I am there..." I am reminded that one of the things that God does best is obliterate our preconceptions, presumptions and paradigms. At the end, I would have to say that while I am not comfortable with the idea of the punitive afterlife as rendered by these Scriptures, I don't have to be. God hasn't come to me and asked me to sign off on these things before he puts them out. God is the landlord of this house. If he wants to paint it hot pink with green and blue polka dots, then that is his right. It’s up to me to find a way to integrate it. I guess its part of being a grown up. Sometimes, when you're a kid, if you don't like something you can throw a tantrum, and hold your breath until the associated authority figure gives in. Now though, we are better at those tantrums, and they tend to be more sophisticated than simply holding our breath and stamping our foot. But, as an adult, we are sometimes confronted with things that we may not like, but are powerless to change. Maybe this is like that.

The Norm

2005-10-08T17:40:00.000-06:00

I am surrounded by broken relationships.

Why does it seem like I am the only person who is not happy with this, that believes that broken relationship is just the norm?

Of course, I have quite the list of broken relationships; I seem to collect them like macabre trophies of my darkness' victories. But, I am trying to chip away at that list. I am trying to heal those relationships. Of course here are some that are more important to me - closer is perhaps a better word - and thus they receive priority. My family seems to be pretty damn low on the list. I can deal with that.

One, I try - almost on a daily basis - to heal, to move forward, but I am CONSTANTLY rebuffed. Perhaps I am insane. Perhaps that is just the way it is. I don't believe it. I can't. If I start believing that that is just the way it is, and the is just the way of the universe, I WILL go insane. Because, if that is the way of the universe what hope is there of there EVER being a stable relationship? What will be the point? If every relationship I have is doomed to inevitiable dissolution and pain, then what is the fucking point? Suddenly a hermitage in northern alberta begins to look better and better.

I have to believe that things can get better. I absolutely have to. Perhaps, as I have been told, it is only my stubborn sense of justice that makes me keep writing emails every single f*&^#! day. Maybe I am being horribly unrealistic. But, if it keeps me sane, then I must.

The other, I am strategizing. In this case it is a relationship with a group of people, and thus is more complex. I miss these people so much that sometimes it hurts, but they hurt me pretty bad, and I find myself shying away. But, likewise I caused alot of hurt myself, and that is not easily overcome. How can we come together and not just talk about the most surfacy things imanginable? How do we talk about these hurtful things with the aim of reconciliation and restoration without simply sweeping it under the rug or pretending that it never happened? There is something to be said for putting it away and not reopening old wounds. But, if these things are still alive between us, don't they need to be dealt with in the open? I don't know - I know anything, but how much I miss these people. I once counted them as my closest friends in the world - the one or two people in the world that I could wake up at 3:00 in the morning if I was in trouble. Can that just be destroyed, wiped out? That's what I am talking about. If I cannot count on these relationships, the most profound that I had ever had up to this point, not to splinter and fray, and give in to the attrition of life, then what hope is there for the future? Why should I bother?

I am reminded of the Johnny Cash line, "my sweetest friend/everyone I know/goes away in the end..." He at least reserves some tattered hope, "if I could start again/a million miles away/I would keep myself/I would find a way..."

And then... and then... maybe she was all wrong for me, and perhaps i wasn't the right person for her either; perhaps our relationship was purely physical. Perhaps when the physical is so good, you can overlook the rest... but I would like to find out, now with a clear head, who she really is. But, perhaps its too late. I would like to think that I am not all that hard to have dinner with.

I hate it all; I carry it around with me like a stone in my chest. Is it too much to ask for, to have some relational harmony? Perhaps I just suck at relationships. That's a reality that I am willing to entertain. Perhaps I am just impossible to love.

I dunno.

BUY MY BOOK!

2005-10-06T22:48:00.000-06:00

<--- Click on this link to buy my book! Sorry Derek, no book signing. So far. Who knows what will happen in the future. Speaking of the future, soon there will be Ronin's Honour t-shirts, ballcaps, thongs, boxers, mugs and other swag. Be sure to pick some up. That's right. You heard me. Thongs. Oh yeah.

There's nothing wrong with some shameless self promotion, right?

Limping

2005-10-05T23:06:00.000-06:00

Be sure to read the article below.

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to what kind of a leader I am. I have garnered some attention for helping build the House. I fit the profile (I guess) of the emergent leader. I come from a background of traditional leadership models. I am steeped in theology and leadership training. I am good at the "church" thing. Perhaps the only thing that is missing if for Chuck and I to write a book about the House for Emergent YS. Perhaps I could be the next Paggitt, or McLaren.

Bull-shyte.

Anyone who has been around me the past month or so knows the truth. I have been hamstrung. Disqualified. I was asked today, "Are you here?" Meaning, am I present, is my head and my heart and my soul here in this community? No, it is not. It is 3000 miles away.

What is left to me? To figure some way to fix me? To find some corrective to get me feeling happy and cheerful again?

Shyte, I don't even know if I WANT to be corrected.

Maybe i can step back from leadership. Maybe if I step down from the pastorate of the House, the pressure would be off, and I can get back to normal.

Unlikely.

I have been CALLED. The truth of that calling has never wavered. These people own me. They may have gotten a lemon, but they still own me. I may leave, but that calling remains intact. I am a leader. God called me to lead, and so I will lead, and suffer the consequences. Anyone out there who is thinking of entering leadership: if you can, DON'T. If you must lead, lead, but if you can live without it, run, don't walk, the other way. A leader can no more step down from being a leader than I can stop being a human.

So, can't be fixed, can't step down. I guess what is left to me is to figure out how to lead from weakness. If I can figure that out, perhaps there's a book in that -- too bad I won't figure it out until ten minutes AFTER I've gone tits-up.

PS: My book, Ronin's Honour, is now for sale. There's a link here (the "BUY MY BOOK" button) to buy it, or you can google the title. Please buy many, many, many, copies. :)

Limping Leaders

2005-10-05T13:29:00.000-06:00

I almost hate to do this, but contrary to popular belief, I AM alive.

And I’m back.

Limping Leaders
For a generation fixated on sprinting, failure is producing a better way.
by Skye Jethani, Leadership associate editor

We've heard the success stories of emergent church leaders for the past ten years or so, now they're starting to confess their failures. It seems my generation has finally been around long enough to begin experiencing burnouts, moral failures, and conflicts reminiscent of our parents' churches. But will wounded leaders mark the end of the emerging church, or will they continue to lead us by limping into the future?

Last month at the FutureGen conference in Orlando, I met successful young leaders telling tales of personal burnout, struggle with sexual issues, and significant disagreement in their young congregations. This was a shift from what I've come to expect at next generation conferences. Torn jeans, tattoos, creative facial hair configurations, and music loud enough to dislodge internal organs are still the norm, but along with next generation success stories I noticed a new trend-emerging failure.

That may explain why so many were attracted to Mike Sares. At first, Mike seemed out of place among the conference presenters. He wore shorts (a fashion faux pas at a young adult ministry conference, even in Florida), he sported no visible tattoos, his face was clean-shaven, and he was definitely not twenty-something. He did have two things going for him. First, he was pastor of a church in Denver called Scum of the Earth. That alone gave him credibility in this crowd. And Mike also had more life and ministry experience than just about anyone at the conference. The centerpiece of Mike's talk was Jacob-the proud, defiant, and successful young man who wrestled with God and walked with a limp the remaining days of his life. Mike's point was simple. The best, most trustworthy, and godly leaders walk with a limp. They have been humbled by God and by life, and they lead out of Christ's strength rather than their own. He echoed Paul's advice that leaders not be young in the faith and susceptible to arrogance, but first tested and proven faithful in the small things. I noticed many sympathetic nods from the wounded young leaders in attendance. To twenty-somethings who have ridden the excitement surrounding "next generation" ministry into positions of prominence and authority, this was a wake up call.

How many of us have allowed our ambition for ministry to eclipse our preparation? How many of us have pursued new ministries and churches not from a true calling, but because of our impatience? How many emerging superstars will have their hips touched by God before they become the limping leaders he desires? The increasing number of young leaders who have acquired a limp should be encouraged and hopeful. Those with limps should not be pitied, avoided, or criticized. These men and women are actually the most qualified to lead God's people. As Scripture repeatedly shows, it is the limping leader, not the sprinter, who can be trusted with the keys to the church. Reflecting on the rest of the conference, and other voices speaking to young church leaders, I wondered, Why aren't more people calling forth patience and humility from young church leaders? Why aren't more people sharing the virtues of limping with a generation fixated on sprinting?

As a young church leader myself, I hear a lot about pursuing one's passion, being an agent of change, and breaking out of the box of the modern church-it's all about sprinting. There are countless voices inspiring young leaders to stand up and take charge. Who is calling us to sit down and take our time? How many burned out, but gifted, young men and women would still be in ministry if they had heard this countercultural message? But hope is not lost. What my generation has failed to learn from next generation ministry books and conferences, we will surely learn from life.

As we pursue ministry with a degree of arrogance and impatience, God's Spirit will touch the hips of more and more young leaders. This, as Mike Sares reminded me, is God's grace to us. As our pace slows from a sprint, to a walk, to a limp we will come to a richer understanding of our calling and identity. We will slow down enough to actually experience God's presence in our lives, not merely in music that bombards our senses. The time will come when we are no longer heralded as innovators in the church (a designation almost always bestowed upon sprinters), but we will have learned to rely more upon Christ than conferences for guidance. As the emerging church movement matures, I have little doubt popular trends will continue to dominate the conference circuit, with topics like "What Your Church Can Learn From Your iPod." And gifted young men and women will continue to be drawn, or pushed, into leadership before they are ready. But as we experience life, as we wrestle with God, and as he humbles us through burnout and failures, we may begin to seek more wisdom from our leaders who limp rather than from our peers who run.

Skye Jethani is associate editor of Leadership and a teaching pastor at Blanchard Road Alliance Church in Wheaton, Illinois.

Hard Week

2005-08-20T17:36:00.000-06:00

This has been a difficult week for me. I feel my emotions ramping up, I am short with people I love, and I do stupid things without thinking. Of course, I am moving this week, and I am entirely in transition, and there is a hard toll that takes on someone like me. I HATE moving with all the firey passion of a thousand thousand suns. I think the only think I would dislike doing more than moving is castrating myself with a rust tin can lid in an alley in Mogadishu, and then only by a little bit. Anyway...

It is strange that most of this week I have been feeling almost uncontrollably emotional. There have been times riding the bus, or walking when I almost broke out into tears for no good reason. There have been times when I have had to walk away from people to keep myself from crying. I know something is wrong, but I don't know what it is. My thoughts have been relatively ordered and peaceful. I feel a sense of certainty and clarity about what I am doing. I find myself wanting to just break down and cry. This is odd for me. Over the past few days I have had to bring to bear most of my mental discipline just to control my emotions. For this, I think I have appeared withdrawn or uncommunicative to people.

The weird thing is that there is nothing in my life that I should be depressed about, and when I feel this way, nothing comes to my mind that I feel bad about. I think it just started with one bad day, and then another, and another and another.

First, I have not published yet this month. Usually by this time of the month I have sold at least two short stories. So far, I have had none. That is a huge portion of my income that is not going to be there. Additionally, I was supposed to be leading a retreat this weekend in Canmore. At the last moment it was canceled. Again, another ($700) portion of my income is gone. Not good. Usually, I am the last person in the world to worry about money, and I am not worried, its more like the feeling that it never rains, but it pours, you know?

If the problem was just financial, I wouldn't bat an eye, and my life wouldn't change.

We are moving into the House next weekend. (yay!) Chuck, Erika, Jeremy and I are all ramping up to move in, and we're all getting things settled and talked out and blah, blah, blah. Usually, I am the VERY last person to talk about this type of thing, but I think that we are encountering a moderately decent amount of spiritual resistence, and it is taking its toll on me. I think that the enemy resists us when we are on the cusp of something great. I will not commit hermeneutical violence by saying that spiritual attack equals affirmation or validation. However, I will say that it has been har don me.

I don't really know what I am trying to say in this post, I just thought I needed to share.

Well, there you go.

Pictures of the Unhomed

2005-08-15T18:22:00.000-06:00

Here are some generic pics from around Edmonton. I'm telling you, people should move here, but we only have room for one more. Send applications to me.

This is for my favorite Texan.

This is my very good buddy Jorgen. He's really enjoying himself. His wife is away.

This is Jeremy from the House with the largest cup of coffee in the world.

This is my other friend Dave. He is NOT married. Hint-hint.

This is my buddy Dave. He just got married. Sorry girls.

This is my friend Collynda. She's doing the missionary thing in Montreal.

Here are some pics of Paul, Chuck and I smashing the hideous shed. Oh, the smashing was great, and great was the smashing.

A couple of weeks ago I went over to my friend Cortney's place, where her roomate Carmella and a friend were fire-dancing and fire-breathing. I thought this was fairly exceptional, so I took some pics. Cool, hey?

New Link Section

2005-08-15T18:19:00.000-06:00

So, check out the new link section. I did a little house-cleaning, so if you're still there, count yourself affirmed and encouraged that I still find your blog interesting.

Also, I added Adam's blog to the list under House Blogs.

And, I added some new web links to interesting websites that I visit often. Check it out.

Top Ten Again

2005-08-12T18:42:00.000-06:00

In keeping with the movies theme, and my ongoing battle royale (because of the metric system) with Kelly, my top ten list this time is...

TOP TEN BILL MURRAY MOVIES... mwahahahahaha! anyway...

1. Groundhog Day
2. Royal Tenenbaums
3. Life Aquatic
4. Lost in Translation
5. What About Bob
6. Ghostbusters
7. Little Shop of Horrors
8. Rushmore
9. Caddyshack
10. Charlie's Angels

Oh yeah baby, that's the money.

Big-Ass Movie List!

2005-08-08T17:02:00.000-06:00

Okay, this is from Rachel. I thought this might be fun, and a good riposte to her.

1. Take this list and post it into your blog, and mark the movies you've seen.
2. Add five more movies to the end of the list.
3. Count how many X's you have. If you've seen more than 30 movies for every hundred in the list, you are DEFINITELY a movie Buff
4. BOLD the movies you saw in the movie theatre. If you've seen more than 30 movies per hundred in the theater, you're a movie-licous! (Just for you Chuck!)

(x) 1. Napoleon Dynamite
(x) 2. Saw
(x ) 3. White Noise
() 4. White Oleander
(x) 5. Anger Management
(x) 6. 50 First Dates
( ) 7. Jason X
(x) 8. Scream
(x) 9. Scream 2
(x) 10. Scream 3
(x) 11. Scary Movie
( ) 12. Scary Movie 2
(x) 13. Scary Movie 3
(x) 14. American Pie
(x) 15. American Pie 2
(x) 16. American Wedding
(x) 17. Harry Potter
(x) 18. Harry Potter 2
(x) 19. Harry Potter 3
(x) 20. Resident Evil 1
(x) 21. Resident Evil 2
(x) 22. The Wedding Singer
( ) 23. Little Black Book
(x) 24. The Village
(x) 25. Donnie Darko
(x) 26. Lilo & Stitch
(x) 27. Finding Nemo
(x) 28. Finding Neverland
(x) 29. 13 Ghosts
(x) 30. Signs
(x) 31. The Grinch
( ) 32. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) 33. White Chicks
(x) 34. Butterfly Effect
( ) 35. 13 Going on 30
(x) 36. I, Robot
(x) 37. Dodgeball
(x) 38. Universal Soldier
( ) 39. Lemony Snickett’s “A Series Of Unfortunate Events”
(x) 40. Along Came A Spider
(x) 41. Deep Impact
(x) 42. Kingpin
(x) 43. Never Been Kissed
(x) 44. Meet The Parents
(x) 45. Meet The Fockers
( ) 47. A Cinderella Story
(x) 48. The Terminal
( ) 49. The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) 50. Passport to Paris
(x) 51. Dumb & Dumber
(x) 52. Dumb & Dumberer
(x) 53. Final Destination
( ) 54. Final Destination 2
( ) 55. Halloween
( ) 56. Halloween 2
( ) 57. Halloween 3
( ) 58. Halloween 4
( ) 59. Halloween 5
(x) 60. H20
( ) 61. Halloween: the Resurrection
(x) 62. The Ring
( ) 63. The Ring 2
(x) 64. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(x) 65. Practical Magic
(x) 66. Chicago
( ) 67. Ghost Ship
(x) 68. From Hell
( ) 69. Team America: World Police
(x) 70. Hellboy
(x) 71. Secret Window
(x) 72. I Am Sam
(x) 73. The Whole Nine Yards
(x) 74. The Day After Tomorrow
( ) 75. Child's Play
( ) 76. Bride of Chucky
(x) 77. Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) 78. Just Married
(x) 79. Gothika
(x) 80. A Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) 81. Sixteen Candles
(x) 82. Bad Boys 2
( ) 83. Joy Ride
(x) 84. Se7en
(x) 85. Oceans Eleven.
(x) 86. Oceans Twelve
(x) 87. Identity
( ) 88. Lone Star
(x) 89. Bedazzled
(x) 90. Predator
(x) 91. Predator II
(x) 92. Independence Day
( ) 93. Cujo
( ) 94. A Bronx Tale
(x) 95. Darkness Falls
( ) 96. Christine
(x) 97. ET
( ) 98. Children of the Corn
(x) 99. My Boss' Daughter
( ) 100. Maid in Manhattan
(x) 101. Frailty
( ) 102. Best Bet
(x) 103. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) 104. She's All That
( ) 105. Calendar Girls
(x) 106. Sideways
(x) 107. Mars Attacks
(x) 108. Event Horizon
(x) 109. Ever After
(x) 110. Forrest Gump
(x) 112. Big Trouble in Little China
(x) 113. X-Men
(x) 114. X-Men 2
(x) 115. Jeepers Creepers
( ) 116. Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) 117. Catch Me If You Can
(x) 118. The Others
(x) 119. Freaky Friday
(x) 120. Reign of Fire
(x) 121. Man on Fire
(x) 122. Braveheart
(x) 123. Cruel Intentions
(x) 124. The Hot Chick
( ) 125. Swimfan
(x) 126. Miracle
( ) 127. Friday Night Lights
(x) 128. Old School
( ) 129. Ray
(x) 130. The Notebook
(x) 131. K-Pax
(x) 132. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) 133. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
(x) 134. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x) 135. A Walk to Remember
(x) 136. Sweet Home Alabama
(x) 137. Moulin Rouge
( ) 138. Boogeyman
(x) 139. Hitch
( ) 140. Back Door Sluts 9
(x) 141. The Fifth Element
(x) 142. Star Wars episode I
(x) 143. Star Wars episode II
(x) 144. Star Wars episode IV
(x) 145. Star Wars episode V
(x) 146. Star Wars episode VI
( ) 147. Troop Beverly Hills
( ) 148. Swimming with Sharks
(x) 149. Trainspotting
( ) 150. People under the stairs
( ) 151. Blue Velvet
(x) 152. The Sound of Music
(x) 153. Parent Trap
(x) 154. The Burbs
( ) 155. SLC Punk
(x) 156. Meet Joe Black
( ) 157. Wild Girls
(x) 158. A Clockwork Orange
(x) 159. The Order
(x) 160. Spiderman
(x) 161. Spiderman 2
(x) 162. Amelie
(x) 163. Mean Girls
( ) 164. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
(x) 165. Shrek
(x) 166. Shrek 2
(x) 167. The Incredibles
(x) 168. Collateral
(x) 169. The Fast & The Furious
(x) 170. 2 Fast 2 Furious
(x) 171. Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow
(x) 172. Closer
(x) 173. The Sixth Sense
(x) 174. Artificial intelligence
(x) 175. Love Actually
( ) 176. The Sweetest Thing
( ) 177. Shutter
( ) 178. Ella Enchanted
( ) 179. Princess diaries 1
( ) 180. Princess diaries 2
(x) 181. The Breakfast Club
(x) 182. October Sky
(x) 183. Remember the Titans
(x) 184. Titanic
(x) 185. Boondock Saints
(x) 186. American History X
(x) 187. Fight Club
( ) 188. Heavenly creatures
(x) 189. Stealing Beauty
(x) 190. Like Water For Chocolate
( ) 191. Powwow Highway
( ) 192. Secretary
( ) 193. But I'm A Cheerleader
(x) 194. I <3>
( ) 195. Ripley's Game
( ) 196. Coffee And Cigarettes
(x) 197. Taxi Driver
(x) 198. Silence Of The Lambs
(x) 199. The Exorcist
( ) 200. If Lucy Fell
( ) 201. Lady Jane
(x) 201. When Harry met Sally
(x) 202. Me, Myself & Irene
( ) 203. Kung Fu Hustle
(x) 204. Sin City
(x) 205. Labyrinth
(x) 206. Much Ado About Nothing
( ) 207. The Cowboy Way
( ) 208. Paulie
(x) 209. Blazing Saddles
(x) 210. Galaxy Quest
( ) 211. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
(x) 212. Citizen Kane
( ) 213. You Can Count on Me
( ) 214. Young Frankenstein
(x) 215. Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) 216. Starman
(x) 217. St. Elmos Fire
(x) 218. Coyote Ugly
( ) 219. The Other Sister
(x) 220. Rainman
(x) 221. Little Shop of Horrors
(x) 222. Chasing Amy
( ) 223. House of Sand and Fog
( ) 224. Mildred Pierce
(x) 225. The Big Lebowski
(x) 226. Mallrats
(x) 227. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
(x) 228. The Goonies
(x) 229. Starsky & Hutch
(x) 230. Saved!
( ) 231. The Upside of Anger
( ) 232. Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song
( ) 233. The Cat's Meow
( ) 234. The Rutles
(x) 235. Waking Ned Devine
(x) 236. Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) 237. Little Women
(x) 238. Huck Finn
(x) 239. National Treasure
(x) 240. Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
(x) 241. Dick
(x) 242. Howard the Duck
( ) 243. Garden State
(x) 244. Hero
(x) 245. Spinal Tap
(x) 246. Almost Famous
(x) 247. Before Sunrise
(x) 248. Before Sunset
(x) 249. Troy
(x) 250. Gone With The Wind
(x) 251. Chocolat
( ) 252. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
( ) 253. Now and Then
(x) 254. Romeo and Juliet
(x) 255. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
(x) 256. Grease
(x) 257. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
( ) 258. Mr. North
( ) 259. The African Queen
(x) 260. The Wizard of Oz
( ) 261. Country Girl
(x) 262. The Philadelphia Story
( ) 263. Bringing Up Baby
(x) 264. The Aviator
( ) 265. An Affair to Remember
( ) 266. Sabrina (old version)
( ) 267. Holiday
(x) 268. Conspiracy Theory
( ) 269. Stage Door
( ) 270. Rigaletto
(x) 271. White Christmas
(x) 272. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
(x) 273. The Wedding Planner
(x) 274. Arsenic and Old Lace
( ) 275. A Day at the Races
(x) 276. Willy Wonka
( ) 277. Bend it Like Beckham
(x) 279. A Beautiful Mind
(x) 280. Urban Legend
(x) 281. The Dead Poet's Society
(x) 282. Kill Bill vol. 1
(x) 283. Kill Bill vol. 2
(x) 284. The Royal Tenenbaums
( ) 285. The Life Aquatic
(x) 286. American Beauty
(x) 287. The Shawshank Redemption
(x) 288. Memento
(x) 289. The Phantom of the Opera
(x) 290. Dirty Dancing
( ) 291. Corrina, Corrina
( ) 292. How to Deal
( ) 293. Simply Irresistable
(x) 294. Charlie's Angels
(x) 295. Weird Science
(x) 296. Aladdin
(x) 297. Traffic
( ) 298. Below
(x) 299. Kingdom of Heaven
( ) 300. Pride and Prejudice
( ) 301. The Calcium Kid
(x) 302. Stand by Me
(x) 303. Legend
(x) 304. Matrix
( ) 305. Romper Stomper
(x) 306. Hidalgo
( ) 307. My own private Idaho
( ) 308. Essex Boy
( ) 309. Taxi
(x) 310. Terminator
(x) 311. Terminator 2 Judgment Day
(x) 312. Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
(x) 313. Hackers
(x) 14. The Princess Bride
(x) 315. Newsies
(x) 316. Wimbledon
( ) 317. Kung Pow: Enter the Fist
( ) 318. Flight of the Pheonix
( ) 319. NAUSICAA
( ) 320. Second Hand Lions
(x) 321. Hotel Rwanda
(x) 322. Life As A House
(x) 323. Beauty and the Beast
( ) 324. Ned Kelly
( ) 325. Holes
(x) 326. SpaceBalls
(x) 327. Bring it on
(x) 328. Twister
(x) 329. Shall we Dance
(x) 330. Singing in the Rain
(x) 331. Gladiator
( ) 332. Center Stage
(x) 333. Vanilla Sky
(x 334. Pulp Fiction
(x) 335. Kate & Leopold
( ) 336. The Pillow Book
(x) 337. Bridget Jones's Diary
(x) 338. Clueless
( ) 339. Dogs In Space
(x) 340. Dogma
( ) 341. Run Lola Run
( ) 342. Detroit Rock City
(x) 343. O
(x) 344. Toy Story
(x) 345. Toy Story 2
( ) 346. Wicker Park
(x) 347. The Forgotten
(x) 348. The Mummy
(x) 349. The Mummy Returns
( ) 350. Death To Smoochie
(x) 351. Bridget Jones's Diary 2: The Edge Of Reason
(x) 352. School Ties
(x) 353. The Score
(x) 354. The Italian Job (either one)
( ) 355. Mean Creek
(x) 356. The Patriot
(x) 357. The Langoliers
( ) 358. Sid and Nancy
(x) 359. Shaun of the Dead
( ) 360. A Tale of Two Sisters
( ) 361. Lost and Delirious
(x) 362. Empire Records
(x) 363. Ginger Snaps
( ) 364. Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
( ) 365. Eve's Bayou
( ) 366. Requiem For a Dream
( ) 367. Eraserhead
(x) 368. The Virgin Suicides
( ) 369. Sweet Sixteen
( ) 370. All About Eve
(x) 371. That Thing You Do!
(x) 372. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
( ) 373. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka
(x) 374. Stripes
(x) 375. The Truman Show
( ) 377. Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) 378. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
(x) 379. Van Wilder
(x) 380. From Dusk Till Dawn
( ) 381. Velvet Goldmine
(x) 382. Earth Girls Are Easy
( ) 383. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
(x) 384. All Dogs Go To Heaven
( ) 385. Madagascar
( ) 386. Sorority Boys
(x) 387. A Christmas Story
( ) 388. What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
( ) 389. Little Giants
(x) 390. Crash (David Cronenburg)
( ) 391. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
( ) 392. The Lady Vanishes
( ) 393. Touch of Evil
( ) 394. The Final Countdown
(x) 395. Tora Tora Tora
( ) 396. The Longest Day
(x) 397. Lady Hawke
(x) 398. A Bug's Life
( ) 399. Amityville Horror (any version)
( ) 400. The Jacket
(x) 401. The Pacifier
() 402. Johnny Dangerously.
( ) 403. The Legend of 1900
( ) 404. Ridicule
( ) 405. Roman Holiday
( ) 406. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
( ) 407. Heat
(x) 408. The Girl Next Door
(x) 409. Girl Interrupted
(x) 410. Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein”
( ) 411. The God Father (1st one)
(x) 412. Jurassic Park
(x) 413. The Abyss
(x) 414. Back to the Future (1st One)
(x) 415. Saving Private Ryan
(x) 416. Jerry Maguire
(x) 417. Excalibur
(x) 418. Top Gun
(x) 419. Batman Begins
(x) 420. Amistad
(x) 421. Contact

That is 278/421 - that is almost exactly 2/3 or 66%. What does that say, other than I need a life, or that I should end up with someone who really likes movies... hmm....

I didn't do the bold in theatres thing - I didn't want to have to go over that list again.

As well, there are some duplicates in the list. I didn't take them out because I didn't want to have to renumber the whole thing.

And who added "Back Door Sluts 9" to the list? I mean, come on! Were you just sitting thinking, "Man, I just cannot think of another movie. Guess I'm going to have to go porn."

Give it a try. The list thing. Not the porn thing.

Houseness... Just Not the Sweet Kind

2005-08-01T17:55:00.000-06:00

It was NOT a good night.

I was considering not posting about this, but if this blog is to be a record or voice or whatever tired metaphor you'd like to attach to it, then I thought I needed to tell the bad stories along with the good.

I was out of town for much of the weekend, but I was able to show up at the House late on Sunday to partake of the later House festivities.

On one hand, I wished I hadn't. On the other hand, I was glad I did.

By the time I arrived, it was a subdued gathering - we were enjoying eachother's company, but I could sense an almost palpable tension. I was intercepted by Jeff and Charity coming into the building, and they filled me in with the story.

It seems that one of our members with a mental illness had a major meltdown on the way to the gathering, and it spilled over into the gathering. In the cramped confines of Chuck's apartment there is nowhere to go for privacy, and thus the meltdown was public and messy.

Chuck stepped into the situation and dealt with it. He and the member went outside and talked through it. An hour and half later, Chuck was spent - literally. However, a few of those there took care of their pastor and supplied him with much appreciated cold Keiths.

With Chuck emptied, it fell to Mack. I think by that time Mack was already spent, hurt, and not desirous of any further contact with said member. But, being the kind of guy he is, he stepped in and dealt with it. He didn't sweep it under the carpet, but rather spoke honestly and authentically with the member.

By the time I arrived all this was over and I got to see the aftermath. The result was a community strained to the breaking point, full of hurt, questioning people. They didn't know how to react, or what to do.

Derek and Rachel showed up just as I did with the intention of instigating a poker game. Since I am rarely against this, I was excited to play. After some discussion, mostly centering around the swelteringly hot nature of the apartment we decided to go somewhere else to play.

We ended up in a pub a couple of blocks away. Mistake. BIG mistake. I guess its illegal to play poker in a bar (though we have done it before) and the staff at the bar handled the situation in pretty much the worst way you can imagine, including swearing at us. Such a situation resulted in a first for me. I walked away from an untouched pint of beer, leaving it paid for but undrunk. (Is that a word?) But, there are worse things in life than not drinking the beer set before you. Not many, but this was one of them. So we left there, and ended up at Jeff's place to play poker for the rest of the night.

There is a dream that is the House. It is a fragile thing, and this weekend, that dream was tested. I am glad to say that through this trial, the House showed our quality.

First, I think Chuck handled the situation with the meltdown incredibly well. He showed love, but also conviction. He placed the member's needs before his own, supplanted his needs for a peaceful gathering and dealt with the situation at hand. He responded to the member while simultaneously preserving the member's dignity, and contributing to the member's spiritual formation. I think he showed a true pastor's heart, and I have never been more proud of him, nor more sure that I am involved in this with the right person.

Second, the way the community surrounded Chuck, Mack and the member and showed support through pain and confusion, speaks volumes to the kind of community that God has built among us. There was no discussion of propriety, decorum or appropriateness. Charity, Amanda, Erika, Jeff, etc just jumped into the fray, and took care of their needs. It was instanteous and unasked. Just as it should be. That night we took care of our own.

Finally, the seriousness with which we took the situation shows maturity and committment that sometimes takes years to build.

This is Houseness. Not the shiny happy kind that we all like. But this is gritty, dirty and painful. But is just as formative. This weekend we have shown that we can come through it supporting eachother, leaning on eachother and though bruised and beaten up, looking a little bit more like our Master, as my friend Collynda once told me.

This was a good trial - there are more coming - especially once we move into our own building. But, what I have seen this weekend tells me that we stand in good stead. God is at work among us, and our relationships are in a good place. It will be hard, just as this weekend was hard. We will continue to lean on eachother, and there will be disappointment and hurt, but I KNOW we can do it.

I was SO proud of all you guys this weekend. Good work.

Top Ten Songs

2005-08-01T17:40:00.000-06:00

So its a top ten list off, and I'm going to win. I don't really know what that means, but I think it will be fun. Check out Kelly's.

Top Ten Songs

1. Calling Out Your Name - Rich Mullins
2. Where the Streets Have No Name - U2
3. No, Woman, No Cry - Bob Marley/Xavier Rudd
4. Timber and Wood - Xavier Rudd
5. Graceland - Paul Simon
6. Trouble Is - Jars of Clay
7. Imagine - John Lennon
8. Lost Together - Blue Rodeo
9. Shine - Collective Soul
10. Trading My Sorrows - Darrell Evans

That's a distressing amount of Christian music - even one worship song... I MUST be slipping.

Worst Conference Ever

2005-08-01T13:50:00.000-06:00

Worst. Conference. Ever. Needless to say, I was on the internet within moments registering my disgust throughout the world.

That was for you know who you are. :)

So I was at a church planting conference this weekend. I was asked to come speak about the Emergent Movement and my experiences as an emergent pastor and my perspective on the the new turn ministry is taking, blah, blah, blah.

I gave two addresses. First, on my perspective of the Emergent Movement as a whole, discussing influences, contrasts and distinctives. At a conference with 150 pastors, pastors' wives, elders, deacons and denominational functionaries, I was surprised (but not really I guess) to find how many people basically look at us as just the celtic prayer and a candle kind of service. For many there, any kind of discussion about missionalism just drew missionary organizations and overseas to africa kind of talk. Sad.

My second address was from the perspective of a practioner. I talked about the House, where we came from, who we are. I talked about each member of the House, and what we all brought to the table. I talked about the web of relationships and our desire to build interdependent, profound relationships. I talked about our dream of all-week church and our taking the focus OFF Sunday. I talked about living in common, and building a common rule of life while still integrating ourselves in culture and society. I talked about the changed lives and the perceived yearning people feel for this type of community. I talked about simplicity and slowing down; of letting community grow organically without engineering it. I talked about fostering a global conciousness and trying to focus on making people's lives better.

All of it fell on deaf ears, I am afraid. There was not a stellar response to what I was talking about. Most of the people (50%) accepted it with a kind of benign indifference. Others (20%) accepted it heartily and were excited about it. The rest (you can do the math) told me (usually to my face) that I was watering down the gospel, that I was unbiblical, that I was building a pseudo-catholic cult, and basically lumped in with the ultra-fringe charismatics. I was pretty sure that if it came down to a biblical argument that I could destroy them, but I thought better of it.

The schedule was grueling. There was a morning devotion that had all the substance of a watered down "Daily Bread" (I don't know how many of you will be familar with that devotional) and then the whole day was scheduled down to 10 min blocks. There was no prayer time, no worship, no spiritual exercise at all. Just boring academic presentations about demographics, promotionals, demographic tailoring, leadership development, pastoral spouse relations, etc. So you can imagine how exciting it all was for me. It was like a frickin' evangelical jamboroo!

The best part was that at least I got time to spend with my favorite person.

Other than that, WORST. CONFERENCE. EVER.

Ah, Sweet, Sweet Houseness

2005-07-25T15:11:00.000-06:00

It was a good night.

As a "church planter" there are times when Chuck and I can become quite fustrated or discouraged with the lack of progress, or even an abundance of regression. There are times when there are only three of us there on a Sunday afternoon, and it is easy for me to think, "What the hell am I doing? I am a complete failure." This is something that not too many people outside of "ministry" can understand. Its more than just not being successful. You pour your life into this venture, and you attach a certain amount of your identity to it. When the House slumps, I slump. This is actually quite a struggle for many of us, so be sure to pray for the church planter in your life.

However, my Master has been kind to me, and has spared me from the worst of it; I keep seeing these moments of Houseness, and that warms and encourages my heart. I am largely pleased with the state of the House, if not content.

Last night for example. We had a good meeting; it was the first that we had as a full group in a long time, so it was good to reconnect with everyone, hear everyone's stories and listen to their lives. We took communion, which was the first time since Mack's baptism like a month ago. We had incredible discussion as we discussed communion, and then as we unpacked 1 Corinthians 5. We shared a meal together, and hung out long into the night. Cortney was sick, so Chuck and I, along with Mack, did our pastoral duty and took commuion to her, and prayed for her. Then it was hang-out, poker, and conversation late into the night.

Moment of Houseness Number 1: Taking communion with my community; praying with them, and breaking the loaf and sharing the cup. It was powerful, solemn and moving, at least for me.

Moment of Houseness Number 2: Answering in depth questions about communion from a "non-Christian" and helping them understand the very fundamentals about communion.

Moment of Houseness Number 3: Hearing others in the group other than me answer those questions, and being impressed with everyone's willingness to engage eachother, and more than just academically answer questions, but rather speak TO the person, and reveal themselves doing it.

Moment of Houseness Number 4: Watching Jeff struggle with dealing with someone, and watching him earnestly try to love this person, though it was hard for him to do so. Seeing him grow has been awesome.

Moment of Houseness Number 5: Sitting around the dinner table with Erika, Adam, Charity, Mack, Jeff, Amanda, Chuck and Jeremy and just laughing for the sake of laughing; enjoying their company and their conversation over salad and spaghetti.

Moment of Houseness Number 6: The impromptu drumming circle at the dinner table, and how much we sucked.

Moment of Houseness Number 7: Taking communion to Cortney and watching Mack and Chuck minister to her, and seeing her spirits lift.

Moment of Houseness Number 8: Having a profound discussion about community and interdependence with Carmella, and making a new friend.

Moment of Houseness Number 9: Hugging Jeremy after telling him that there will be no castings out a la 1 Cor 5.

Moment of Houseness Number 10: Praying with my arm around Cortney as Mack, Chuck and Carmella laid hands on her.

Moment of Houseness Number 11: Playing poker with Chuck and Allister until the wee hours, and soundly beating both of them. :)

Moment of Houseness Number 12: Sitting in Keegans with Chuck until five in the morning listening to him tell me about his life, and then dreaming and visioncasting together over apple cinnamon milkshakes and root beer.

That was alot of moments. But, we have alot of Houseness, and I happen to love these people. It's easy being a church planter when a Sunday goes right. But things are building; we will be in a house of our own by September, hopefully we'll be signed in as an official "Evangelical Free Church of Canada" church in October, and soon we will be looking beyond ourselves to mission and service. I like these directions.

BTW, Chuck and I were talking about it last night, and technically, I am NOT a church planter. At the House, we are not building a church, but a lifestyle. Man, I think my cliche meter just blew up. :)

No Woman, No Cry

2005-07-22T17:36:00.000-06:00

In the spirit of others that seem to like posting song lyrics, this is a song on which I have been leaning relatively heavily of late. I don't know why, I guess it just reminds me that the universe is more or less unfolding as it should.

No Woman, No Cry
(Bob Marley, as done by Xavier Rudd)

No woman no cry
No woman no cry
No woman no cry
No woman no cry
Cause I remember when we used to sit
In a government yard in Trenchtown
Observing the hypocrites
Mingle with the good people we meet
Good friends we have, Oh, good friends we have lost
Along the way
In this great future,
You can't forget your past
So dry your tears, I seh No woman no cry
No woman no cry
Little darling, don't shed no tears
No woman no cry Said I remember when we use to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
And then Georgie would make the fire lights
I seh, log would burnin' through the nights
Then we would cook cornmeal porridge
Of which i'll share with you
My feet is my only carriage
And so i've got to push on thru,
Oh, while i'm gone
Everything 's gonna be alright
Everything 's gonna be alright No woman no cry
No woman no cry
I seh little darlin'
Don't shed no tears
No woman no cry

If you haven't had the chance to check Xavier Rudd out, check out his website; he's got some mp3 samples of his music, but you should go and buy his albums. Its great for mellow grooving kind of moods. He's got this really great acoustic/world kind of sound, with a real global cultural consciousness. Check out one of his videos here. Requires Windows Media Player.

On Eating and Drinking

2005-07-22T17:28:00.000-06:00

These are the words of Kahlil Gibran:

Then an old man, a keeper of an inn, said, "Speak to us of Eating and Drinking."
And he said:
Would that you could live on the fragerance of the earth,
and like an air plant be sustained by the light.
But since you must kill to eat, and rob the young of its mother's milk to quench your thirst,
let it then be an act of worship,
And let your board stand an altar on which the pure and the innocent of forest and plain are sacrificed for that which is purer and still more innocent in many.
When you kill a beast say to him in your heart,
"By the same power that slays you, I to am slain; and I too shall be consumed.
For the law that delivered you into my hand shall deliver me into a mightier hand.
Your blood and my blood is naught but the sap that feeds the tree of heaven."
And when you crush an apple with your teeth, say to it in your heart,
"Your seeds shall live in my body,
And the buds of your tomorrow shall blossom in my heart,
And your fragrance shall be my breath,
And together we shall rejoice through all the seasons."
And in the autumn, when you gather the grapes of your vineyard for the winepress, say in you heart,
"I to am a vinyard, and my fruit shall be gathered for the winepress,
And like new wine I shall be kept in eternal vessels."
And in winter, when you draw the wine, let there be in your heart a song for each cup;
And let there be in the song a remembrance for the autumn days,
and for the vineyard, and for the winepress.

Things That Make You Go "Hmmm..." and Bleed From the Ears

2005-07-20T18:39:00.000-06:00

So I was sitting around with Joe the other day trying to solve the problems of the universe over a latte, when we started to talk about certain statements made by professors that baked our noodles. One particular offering by Joe continues to mock my existence and betray my gross stupidity. But then, Joe didn't get it either, so I don't feel so bad.

This has pretty much been dominating my esoteric thinking quota, and every time I think I get it, it slips out of my grasp like a wet fish. If I get it wrong, Joe can correct me.

It went something like this:

... an understanding of the Patristic trinitarian formulation exposes time, space and motion as the created analog of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit...

It's one of those things that are either obscenely profound, or its complete nonsense.

As I have been mulling it over, and getting a headache doing it, my thinking is leaning to an almost Einsteinian articulation of space/time with the idea of motion being the deterministic engine that drives the whole thing. Man, I'm either going to have to start writing this crap down to keep it straight or take up watching reality TV to dumb me down so I don't think of stuff like this.

And yet, I can't believe that its purely mechanistic, that there has to be a deeper, esoteric layer to this as well.

I do my best thinking in the shower, so I think I will be spending alot of time on my personal hygiene.

Okay, So I Feel Bad...

2005-07-19T17:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, so ranting about Lakewood Church and the Osteens has pricked my conscience. You see, I am not so pure.

Last week I was courted by a large (weekly attendance: approx 8,000) church to head up their Young Adult ministry. They offered me the job, telling me they wanted to go more in a "post modern-slash-emergent" direction. In other words, a celtic prayer and a candle. They offered me $67,000/yr and a annual budget of $175,000-$200,000, and a congregation of 1,500 people twixt the ages of 18-35. They had offered me this job in the past, and I declined. I speak at their conferences and retreats, so they know me, and I have lots of contacts with their senior pastoral staff. Dream come true?

The worst part was that I was tempted. It took someone smarter (and hotter) than me talking me through it Friday night to help me come to a decision that I can live with.

The point is, my claim of moral/philosophic/theological purity is dubious to say the least.

But, its my blog. If you don't like it, go back to Russia. :)

Watching CNN Was My First Mistake

2005-07-19T16:51:00.000-06:00

Watching CNN was definately my first mistake.

So I was flipping around the channels last night after a particularly good conversation, feeling pretty good about myself, the world, and my place in it, and I came across Pastors Joel and Victoria Osteen of Lakewood Church, in Houston Texas, being interviewed on CNN. Total buzz kill.

I think I may of watched it for five minutes before I was forced to either change the channel or start yelling, throw the remote at the TV, and then throw the TV against the wall. I didn't want to do that, since Mack and I have plans to use that TV for the House Entertainment System. So, I changed the channel.

Let me just begin this rant by saying that I am sure that the Osteens are genuine Christians that love God and only want to do his work, and are accomplishing their calling the best way that they know how. I am confident that God is in their church, and that salvation can be found in their teaching, and that lives are being changed by their ministry that they are making a difference for the good in Houston. Also, I have never been to their church, talked to the Osteens, nor anyone from their church. I have visited their website, read some of their matierals, but that's it. Whew.

That being said, I wanted to track Joel down and kick the shit out of him. So I guess this church just bought an old arena and 15 months and 75 MILLION DOLLARS later, it opened on Sunday. This church, according to CNN, is the first church in the US to average over 30,000 attenders a week. I watched the interview, and it showed video from their opening service; I guess there were 57,000 people there. I really hope i got that figure wrong. I really, really do. It looked more like some surreal cross twixt a Kenny G concert and the main stage at the National Republican Convention. This thing used to be a SPORTS ARENA; there were banks of seats, people so far away from the stage that they were just an indistinct blur of people. The CNN video was replete with close ups of ecstatic, closed eyed, singing faces as they worshipped. Classy. In the middle of this stage was a giant, golden, revolving globe, complete with a choir loft the size of several middle-class houses and an orchestra pit. There's a blurb on CNN.com about the event. Check it here.

As I watched this I got this sinking feeling in my stomach and this tinny, biley taste in the back of my mouth. When the CNN cameras focused on the sunny, smiling faces of Joel and Victoria, I should have known that I should have just changed the channel, and turned my thoughts to the wonderous four hours I had just spent. But no, oh no! I had to listen to them talk. Mistake number two.

The CNN interviewer challenged them on the validity of spending almost 90 MILLION dollars on a building, when so many people in Houston had no medical insurance, food, clothing, etc, etc. Yes! I thought. Yes! Leave it to the secular, liberal media to nail these guys! As the question was asked I could see the carefully crafted smile slowly drift off of Victoria's face as her pretty boy Joel leapt in. He talked about God blessing them to grow, that they could be positioned so much better to grow in their new building, and that the money needed to be spent. Victoria chimed in, saying that they believed in a positive God, and that they believed in a God that wanted to make people's lives better. They talked about WANTING to open schools and hospitals. They didn't go into details about those plans, however. The rest of the interview that I watched was lost in a red haze of anger.

Ugh. I can't keep this up. Just go out and buy Joel's book, okay? It's called "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living Your Full Potential." 'Nuff said.

On Death

2005-07-19T16:47:00.000-06:00

These are the words of Kahlil Gibran:

Then Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Mmmm... Houseness

2005-07-19T16:36:00.000-06:00

So, it has been awhile. So much has happened... no wait, there is too much... I will sum up... sorry Chuck.

Here's some pics... let's call it "FUN WITH CAMERAPHONES"

Me in a Mickey Mouse hat from a recent poker night. Ah, yeah.

Is that just a really small hat, or do I just have a really HUGE head?

This is Mack. He's my buddy. Check out his slightly unhinged blog here.

He's selling his car, BTW. Its a steal of a deal, too. If you go check it out, make sure its on a rainy day at night.

So happy birthday to Ali, of whom I would post a pic if I had one. I took one, but when I changed phones I lost it. Anyway, it was her birthday on Sunday, we spent the day in the park, played some frisbee, fed chips to squirrels, watched Jorgen almost kill himself under the bridge at the Legislature (leave it to Jorgen, the lifeguard INSTRUCTOR, to find a way to drown himself in six inches of water) and then watched "Million Dollar Baby" at a bar that I am sure was showing the movie illegally. But, hey, that's Edmonton, baby.

Just so you know, I am planning to be TOTALLY IMMATURE for at least a week; maybe six days. (That's for you)

Worship 4 Justice

2005-07-09T17:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm just getting onto this now, when its pretty much too late, but here it is. I wish I would have known sooner. This is something that Kelly is involved in, and props to her for bringing it to my attention. I have, in talking to her about this, felt convicted that my view of social action and justice are perhaps too local in scope, and not global at all. This is only one of the many good influences she's had on my life.

Worship 4 Justice is a number of open air worship concerts (she's gonna kick my ass if I get this wrong) designed to enhance awareness of and support for what's happening in Darfur, Sudan. They're happening in and around Washington DC with the support of Brian McClaren's church, and a number of other organizations. The last one is tomorrow. Please check out the website here. And if you have no idea what's going on in Sudan, check this out too. Do some reading.

This is all so important right now with the G8 Summit earmarking 50 billion dollars for African aid. Admittedly, there is some skepticism out there. Many of the G8 countries provided less than firm committments to doubling the aid, and we have less than a stellar record for follow through when it comes to African aid. While Bono and Bob Geldof are effusive in their praise for the summit's resolution, not all anti-poverty advocates are so optimistic. Check this article out.

However, I think that Russia eliminating just over 11 billion dollars worth of sub-Saharan African debt is a good thing and a good step in the right direction. That being said, Kelly spent years in Africa and is many hundreds of thousands of times more able to speak to the problem of African poverty than me; I'm mostly just parroting things she's told me.

You should talk to her.

My question is, what is the best way for the money and resources to be distributed. I guess the the majority of it will take the form of crisis response, food, education, nutrition and infrastructure. I wonder if maybe the UN World Health Organization might be a good candidate for this? In any case, I think the UN in general would be ideally suited to be involved. I know it is naive of me to assume that the UN would be able to work without the politics that bog down so many good things, but there has been no lack of initiatives in the past to help Africa and we have yet to see anything actually hit the ground.

In any case, I would call you all to pray for Worship 4 Justice, for the G8 summit, and the thousands of people dying in Africa. We have been talking about missional living... well, there you are.

Barechested Poker... boo-yah!

2005-07-07T18:10:00.000-06:00

So, on Sunday after the House, Chuck and Jeremy and I hung out and played poker and drank beer until four thirty in the morning. As befitting a male-fest like that, eventually, we all ended up with our shirts off playing poker and drinking beer.

What? It was hot.

It was another moment of Houseness. The Hoegaarden... the crappy flops... the companionship... it was a moment of perfect Houseness. And here's some pics...

Chuck and the sweetness. Mmmm... Hoegaarden... glgllhlhhh...

Edmonton at night, from the window of a speeding car, taken with a .3 megapixel cameraphone.

Hmm... for some reason this pic is much bigger. Blogger at its best. I would've posted more pics, but I forgot that I didn't transfer them all off my phone.

Anyway, we had a good time; male-bonding and all that. Poker, beer, bare chests... we even started talking about our feelings.

Okay, so maybe less beer next time. Besides, you haven't lived until you see Jeremy hopped up on MacEwan's.

Peace y'all.

Blindsided

2005-07-07T18:02:00.000-06:00

It is simply amazing how the best things in the world can happen out of the blue. My dad always warned me that is not the bigs things going horribly wrong that I should worry about, it is the things you could never imagine blindsiding you on a Tuesday afternoon - those are the things that change your life.

For example, who would have thought that a simple email to an intriquing blog would lead to the most wonderful thing imaginable?

Or who would have thought that I would be able to speak and find someone who hears me, not just listens to my words, decodes my language, understands my point or my context, but actually hears me?

Or who woudl have thought that I could have found a muse that could focus and direct my creative drive? That I would find someone to create for?

Hmm... food for thought.

On Love

2005-06-28T10:47:00.000-06:00

These are the words of Kahlil Gibran:

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Houseness

2005-06-28T10:42:00.000-06:00

So I invented a new word: Houseness.

As most of you know, Sunday last we baptized MacKenzie. There was several points throughout the day that I experienced a moment of pure "Houseness." Its a little like a moment of zen, when everything comes together, and everything is just clear, at peace, and exactly as it should be. One of the moments was when Chuck and I worshipped with the McKernan Christian crowd during songs like "I Stand in Awe of You," and "Spring Up a Well" - oldies but goldies.

Another was when the band was practising and Chuck and Paul kicked phat on didge and djimbe during "Come Thou Fount." Ahhhhhh yeah.

Another was when we all, some new faces, some old, gathered in the round and took communion together. Communion has come to carry such heavy, heavy spiritual weight with me. I used to be able to take or leave communion. Once a month was fine. Now, I need it every week.

Another was when Erika spontaneously came and played congas with us.

Another was when we gathered within arm's reach of MacKenzie and together we baptized him. Not from afar, but right there.

Another was when we all gathered around Mack, laid hands on him and conferred God's blessing on him as one body.

Another was when we were hanging in the backyard, tossing balls and frisbees, helping people with their homework, eating burgers and smokies and destroying barbeques.

Another was when the five of us sat in the living room and worshipped to the simple strains of the didge, djimbe and guitar; watching Chuck, eyes closed, hands raised in worship, lost in the didge.

There is a dream that is the House; an ideal, a hope, a fantasy of a quality of life, faith and practise. These moments of "Houseness" represent pure moments when that dream stepped across the threshold and for a few precious moments, became reality.

All of us, in our far-flung communities, whether they be in Edmonton, Saskatoon, Washington DC, Lethbridge or Montreal, need to look for those moments of "Houseness" or "Conversationness" or whatever the case is. God grants us these moments to remind us that "the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." It is easy to be discouraged; to begin to think of failure. Especially leaders. It is the nature of our condition that we suck. But, our Master is good; he takes care of us. When the Master grants us these moments, use them to remind yourself and your community of the path that our Master has called you to.

Check out the House blog for the details of the baptism.

Another Kindred Spirit

2005-06-28T09:50:00.000-06:00

Hey, you should check out my new friend Kelly's blog. She is working with a group in Washington DC called "the Conversation," who are on a similar path as the House. She's also a not-so-closet movie fan. Check my link section, or go here.

On Pain

2005-06-22T18:03:00.000-06:00

These are the words of Kahlil Gibran

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

Collynda!

2005-06-21T19:04:00.000-06:00

Everyone should check out my buddy Collynda's blog. She is an old friend of mine from Bible College, and she knew me when I was young and dangerously foolish.

She is now a respectable missionary in Montreal, but I remember the time she... well, I'll save that for some other time... :)

Her blog is in my link section, and also here.

Mackie's Gettin' Wet!

2005-06-20T17:12:00.000-06:00

MACKENZIE'S GETTING BAPTIZED!!

here's the info:

Sunday, June 26th, 2005
McKernan Chrisian Church
11304-78 Ave NW
5:00 ish PM

with festivities to follow at Paul and Debbie's place.

BE THERE!!

Waiting

2005-06-19T14:23:00.000-06:00

... and so I wait...

On Self Knowledge

2005-06-19T13:12:00.000-06:00

These are the words of Kahlil Gibran:

And a man said, "Speak to us of Self-Knowledge."
And he answered, saying:
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always know in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Props to Estelle

2005-06-16T23:21:00.000-06:00

Estelle, I am blown away everytime I look at my blog. You did such an amazing job! You rock!

Check her blog here.

Stuck Again

2005-06-16T22:28:00.000-06:00

So I am on retreat. I am in self-imposed isolation for a few days to think about some stuff. That is not to say that if you want to hang out with me, you can't call me or come by.

Writing that "Stuck" post a few days back made me think about some stuff.

1. I really like my life. I sleep well, which as some of you know was a major thing for me. I don't worry about the future. I no longer feel dread when considering ministry. When I am quiet, my thoughts are ordered and still.

2. I like the rhythyms of my life. I enjoy the amounts of time I have to devote to the House, my writing, and general philosophizing. I try to work out in the mornings, write and pray in the afternoon, and devote my evenings to people. Every once in a while I pull a shift at Dabar, where I get to meet more people. This type of rhythym makes sense. It forces me to live a very simple lifestyle, since not having a 9-to-5 job, and depending on my writing for my income forces me to face certain economic realities. But, I am content.

3. I am in a good place in my relationship with God. My master has been good to me. He has blest me overwhelmingly with an ongoing sense of his presence, and insight into his character. I feel I am being at once supported, propelled and defined by my Master. To what end, I don't know, but I am content with that as well. My master knows his business. I believe he has blessed me with my share of adventure, and now is content to just teach me to breathe. Breath is life; air is a gift from God.

4. My master has impressed me with a mission; nothing as glamorous as going overseas or anything like that. I am being lead into some kind of role with Wycliffe Bible Translators, which is strange considering my admittedly tenuous relationship with linguistics. (just ask me to pronounce some greek and you'll know what I am talking about) I impressed with the sense that I must work in some way that goes beyond the scope of my immediate community. As well, I will be working with the Edmonton Food Bank, sorting food or sweeping floors, or answering phones or whatever they would have me do. There is a good chance that I will find my way onto a Habitat for Humanity crew sometime this summer. Likewise, I have been communicating with UNICEF to find someway I can help with the Indonesian Tsunami relief; possibly some speaking or writing. (Props to Shirley for getting me thinking in that direction)

5. All that's fine and good, and will keep me busy, but I have also been thinking of a community where the House can incarnate ourselves. As many of you know, the financing for our purchase of the Fulton house has been delayed until we officially become a member of the Evangelical Free Church of Canada, which will happen in the fall. This is a great opportunity, since it gives us the chance to consider where in Edmonton we would like to be planted. What type of community are we being called to? Do we stay in the Whyte Ave area and minister to street people and students? Or Millwoods, and minister to immigrants and ethic minorities? Or maybe downtown to serve inner city needs? Or Terwilligar and ministter to the rich people? It is to this that I have been giving my greatest amount of thought. Where are we needed? What can we give? What would be the best for the people in my congregation? Those of you who can, please pray for Chuck and I as we seek this out.

And yet... something must be done about these other, darker things that serve to distract me or hold me back - that keep me "stuck."

But my master is good. I am content that he will support me, propel me and shape me to take care of these things. So, I wait. My master has done well in teaching me this skill.

Postsecret

2005-06-12T03:07:00.000-06:00

I found this on Jason's blog. You NEED to check it out. It is a blog, where people anonymously send in postcards with their deepest secrets on them, and then they are posted on this blog. I went through them, and i could not believe how many of my own secrets were there.

Postsecret

Tagged

2005-06-12T01:51:00.000-06:00

Well, I got tagged by JB, so here goes:

How Many Books Do I Own?

I am going to say around 300, if I count the books I gave to Fred on "extended (read: never getting them back) loan".

Last Book I Bought?

"The Dark Tower" - Stephen King - incredible example of "atmospheric writing"
"The Clowns of God" - Morris West - interesting look into the politics of the Vatican with a fair bit of latter-day apocalyptic mysticism. Interesting read.
"The Essential Kabbalah" - Daniel Matt - a primer of sorts to old-school Jewish mysticism.

Last Book I Read?

"On Writing" - Stephen King - damn, this is good. Anyone who has even THOUGHT about writing should have to get a license to do so, and reading this book should be part of the test.
"Imitation of Christ" - Thomas A Kempis - classic... 'nuff said
"The Prophecies of the Third Age" - trans. Dr. Harold Juniper - research
"Reimagining Spiritual Formation" - Doug Pagitt - As we say at the House: Bible Part Two.
"A Generous Orthodoxy" - Brian McLaren - I am such a bandwagon jumper
"The Da Vinci Code" - Dan Brown - what can I say? It was a fun read.

5 Books that Meant Alot to Me

1. Lectures to My Students - Charles Spurgeon - this book taught me alot about the obligation of the pastor/teacher.
2. Memory, Sorrow and Thorn - Tad Williams - probably the most influential fiction as far as my writing style is concerned.
3. Celebration of Discipline - Richard Foster - he started me on my journey; this boo
k taught me to look past the trappings of evangelical christianity and help me get a sense of our mystical tradition
4. The Rule of St. Francis, Friars Minor - St. Francis of Assisi - this tiny book formed much of my thinking about rythyms of life and simplicity.
5. The Purpose Driven Church - Rick Warren - just kidding. everyone check your pacemakers. :)
5. The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran - I have no words to describe the elegant, otherworldly profundity of this man's words. Pure, pure art.

Honorable Mentions:

The Collected Lyrics of Rich Mullins - yeah, I know its not a book, but what can I say? Don't like it, go back to Russia.

Devotional Classics - Richard Foster Ed. - incredible primer of two thousand years of lectio divina.

Wow. That was a cool exercise. Thanks for tagging me, Jay.

I tag... Chuck, Joe, and Paul.

This is fun.

Stuck

2005-06-11T02:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel stuck. I don't really know how else to explain it. I don't feel stuck as in I am in a rut, or that I'm not growing when I should be. Rather, I feel suspended - stretched out between two... potentials? Possibilities? Mental states? Evolutions? I don't know; I can't quite articulate the word.

All I know is that something is not right. SOMETHING, and I don't know what, is off. Its like when you walk into a room and the angles aren't right, and the walls don't match the floors properly.

I honestly don't know what it could be. I am happy; reasonably at least; the House is moving along nicely, not yet where it should be, but showing promise - I am surrounded by people who support me, believe in me and trust me. My writing is going good. I have food in my belly, a place to lie my head at night and a roof to keep the rain off. All these things I am thankful for. I feel the hand of God in my life, I hear his voice in the relationships around me. My relationship with God is in a good place.

And yet...

There are lingering issues that haunt me. Those of you that know me probably have a good idea of the issues that haunt me. Not all my relationships are good. I do not love people as I should. I harbour pain that does not heal. I have left destruction, brokeness, anger, and pain in my wake. I don't know if I have forgiven those that have hurt me.

And there is the heart of the matter. As I sit here tonight going over my notes for my talks on the pure of heart, the poor in spirit and those that mourn, all with an over-arching theme of restoration and reconciliation, I wonder if my own words betray me. I wonder if my own words condemn me.

This is going to be the question I ask my "viatores" tomorrow: Is it possible to not love someone without hating them? Does indifference equal hatred?

The pure in heart see God because he is their only desire; thus their love is born of their conformity to his likeness.

The poor in spirit live lives of constant dependence and need. They know that God is their portion; he is all they have left, so they wait for him; thus is it easy for them to love because they feel so very acutely their own need for love.

The mourners feel the pain of loss. They know the terrible lack of something once cherished and loved. They love indiscriminately because they need the restoration of something long dead.

How can I stand before fifty people tomorrow and mouth these words when I know there are people in my own life I do not love?

Ah... wretched man that I am!

So Its Finally Happening

2005-06-01T17:47:00.000-06:00

So its finally happening. I just got word that my publisher is finally getting their ass in gear and releasing my book. Its going wide in the States with a limited run in Eastern Canada; the market here in the west is painfully limited. They are starting with a run of 50,000 books.

As is customary, they are throwing me a release party, to which all my friends are invited. Its going down on June 25th, here in the city. This is all on Tor's nickel, so I have been told to invite indiscrimately. There's going to be live music, food, a "reading" (sounds like fun) and the appropriate press. Against my objections, its going to be semi-formal, so I'm going to have to wear pants. That was a specific requirement of the publisher.

I will post more details as they emerge.

Lord Vader's Performance Review

2005-05-31T10:34:00.000-06:00

Found this on Ryeshy's blog, and had to put it up here.

Lord Vader's Performance Review.

Frigging brilliant.

The House Blog

2005-05-30T16:52:00.000-06:00

So MacKenzie started the House Blog. Check it out here. It should be pretty cool, since a bunch of us are all contributing. Check it often to keep a thumb on the pulse of the House.

She's Got the Look

2005-05-30T13:40:00.000-06:00

So in case you haven't noticed, the look of my blog has changed.

Big, monsta, old-school props out to Estelle, who single handedly created this vision of lovliness. When i was in Saskatoon, I asked her if she could help me pimp out my blog, and she just went for IT! Oh, I'm goin'!

I just feel sorry for all you suckas out there, since I now have the flyest blog on the strip. Expect for Estelle's of course. Check her's here.

No, I don't know where all the gangsta-esque slang came from. Probably better not to ask.

It must be nice to have skills... :)

A Kindred Spirit

2005-05-25T16:03:00.000-06:00

Hey, you should all check out Paul Seburn's blog. He's kind of a kindred spirit that has meant alot to me during the journey to and in the House.

And So I Wait

2005-05-23T19:35:00.000-06:00

So I'm back.

Whenever you get back from being away like I just did, the question that you are always asked is, "what did you learn?" At least, that is the question that you should be asked. Thankfully, I had the pleasure of spending time with Jay and his wonderful wife Estelle. I have said it before, and I will say it again, but God Almighty do these people know how to minister to me. Rarely have I met such selfless servants of God who simply LOVE me; indiscriminately and ruthlessly. I see much of Christ in these people, both individually and as a couple. I don't know what it is about these people - okay maybe I do - but they have the ability to create such healing in me just by loving. It is a powerful testimony.

Some random memories from Saskatoon:

1. Quesadilla. 'Nuff said. Getting hungry...
2. Cruising down 8th singing the Neverending Story song with JB.
3. No limit Texas Hold'Em. In Denny's. In a pub. Last game I DOMINATED.
4. Sweet, sweet wings at the Double Deuce.
5. Nursing at the teat of wisdom...
6. Ginger Beef in the smallest town in Saskatchewan.
7. Falling in the tub - for the third time.
8. Dirty watermelon.
9. Arguing the doctrine of hell with an intractable heretic.

Overall, I return feeling rested, healed, exhausted and reoriented. I think I could have used another week with Jay and Estelle, but what are you going to do? Came back to some troubling news. The Evangelical Free Trust that we were hoping to use for funding for our building purchase has delayed our application until we can become a full fledged member of the Evangelical Free denomination. This happens in October, but does little for the little real estate deal that is affecting SO many lives.

This past week I have been giving a lot of thought to anger. We have spent alot of time in the past week looking at past hurts and helping eachother move toward some kind of healing. Those of you that know me know that I have been through in the last six or nine months. Nuff said. On the other side of that pain, I stand here and wonder if I should feel angry or not. I don't; I honestly don't, though I feel the potentiality in me to do so.

In fact I feel that potential so strongly that it scares me. I don't want to be angry; but at the same time I think that nothing would be better. As it sits, I feel hurt, but that pain does not control me; I don't get the impression that it is impairing either my judgement or my ability to laugh and enjoy life, and I know that it has not weakened my relationship with God. In fact, the opposite is true. Most importantly, that pain does not give way to anger. I feel anger toward myself for the role my own actions played in the events, but I do not yet feel anger toward other people. But I could. I feel it inside me, and it wants to get out, it wants to lash out and yell, and hurt and wound and damage. It wants to say horrible things and it wants to destroy relationships that I once held more closely than my own life. It wants to wish for only the worst things for people and it wants to take joy in the hurt of others. Frankly, it disgusts me.

But God is good... so good. He has preserved me, and he has given me strength to discipline myself against such horrors. So, the Cerberus of my anger is chained. It gives me time to find a solution and find healing. Perhaps the lessons of mythology can help me. Heracles calmed Cerberus by showing him kindness; Orpheus lulled him to sleep with sweet music; Aeneas put him to sleep with drugged honeycakes.

But my real concern is not for my own emotional constipation, but rather how I be a leader in the midst of it. It seems trite and insulting to say, "use it." I get the sense that brokeness is a characteristic of our generation. But I know that God is good, and that love brings healing. So I will love, and surround myself with love. If this process has done anything it has softened my heart to love others. I refuse to give in to anger, hate and destruction. Of course, I am human, and I am given to failure. It is reassuring that I do not suffer alone. This past week has taught me that as I heard story after story of God's love in the face of terrible pain.

"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." - Jeremiah in Lamentations.
"For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." - Habakkuk

And so I wait.

So Its Another Post on My Blog

2005-05-10T08:40:00.000-06:00

So its done. Yesterday the House Community Evangelical Free Church officially put down an offer on the house of our dreams. Also, by the virtue of the nature of our deal, we are also now the proud owners of a large dining room table and chairs, and a pool table and various billiard-related paraphenelia. It is an odd feeling, as a pastor, when your church purchases its first common-held equipment.

Now, it is just a matter of getting our financing arranged in the two weeks alotted to us. Props out to Jeff who has pretty much single-handedly done (and is doing) this.

There's a strangely euphoric panic at the fact that now its all so official, grown up, and there's no turning back now.

Its a good thing that I feel so good about the direction the House is taking, and the state of our community. I feel as though we are asking the right questions and are walking the right path.

Yeah, because if I didn't, man, I would be scared poopless.

There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the world of Matt this day. A while ago, while nursing a Red Robin's Royal burger (that's the one with a fried egg on it - aww yeah, that's the money) and having a rather stimulating conversation on the nature of communion with Chuck, Derek, Erika and Rachel, I rather violently discovered that I have - somehow; I don't know how - become rather distressingly Consubstantialist. And Luther's construction of the idea - over, above, under, in, etc, as representing Christ's physical presence with the church, seems to disturbingly appeal to me.

As a dyed in the wool mystic, I have always tended toward the symbolic approach of interpretation, except where heretical. The idea that Christ is present physically in the elements without transforming their character or structure always seemed kind of... I don't know... trite? Why bother with such a fantastic, convoluted and contrived explanation when it is so much more elegant to look at communion and the elements as symbols for powerful spiritual abstracts?

Now, however, the concept of Christ being physically present in the elements, and that communion becoming the celebration of Christ's physical presence with us every week has come to be very meaningful for me. It is quite a powerful mystic experience. I think that it adds a powerful significance to our communal gatherings.

So I am leaving for a week. I am looking forward to getting away.

Jayson's Gonna Hate Me For This...

2005-05-02T13:28:00.000-06:00

Yeah, JB is gonna hate me for this. Found this on my old buddy Jason Wall's blog. There was some controversy, but I love this for its aburdity, and if you can read it with the Sir Mixalot song running in your head, and laugh at it for a funny Christian spoof, you will enjoy it.

Sorry, Jay.

Baby Got Book
by: Dan Smith

Intro
Oh my goodness, Becky, look at her Bible
It is so big
She looks like one of those preacher guys girlfriends
But... you know... Who understands those preacher boys
They only talk to her because she looks like Mother Teresa, ok?
I mean her Bible... it's just so big
I can't believe it's so huge
Ugh! It gross!
Look, she's just so... righteous

Verse 1
I like big Bibles and I can not lie
You Christian brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with a KJV
And a book mark in Proverbs
You get stoked
Got her name engraved
So you know that girl is saved
It looks like one of those large ones
With plenty o' space in the margins
Oh baby, I wanna read witcha
Cause your Bible's got pictures
My minister tried to console me
But that Book you got makes ("M-m-me so holy")
Ooh, momma-mia
You say you want koinonia
Well, bless me, bless me
And teach me about John Wesley

I saw her praying
While I was DJing
She got grace...pretty face
She ain't goin' down to the bad place

I'm tired of heathen guys
Sayin' they like pocket-size
Ask the average Christian to take a look
She's gotta pack much Book

So...Fellas (Yeah), fellas (Yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the Book (Oh yeah!)
Well, read it (Read it!), read it (Read it!), read that Holy Book
Baby got Book

Verse 2
I like 'em leather and bound
It's 50 pounds
I just can't understand
How it is, some weenie
Wants the Bible on CD
She wanna get you saved
Amen! Double up! A-men!
I ain't talkin' about a paraphrase
Cuz Paul wouldn't use those anyways
I like 'em real thick and red-lettered
You can't find nothin' better
Southpaw's in love
Bibles that big are unheard of
So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...
I find me a girl that shows midriff?"
You can have those bimbos
I'll keep those chicks that do devos
A word to the Christian sistas
I can't resist ya
I'll do God's time witcha
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna pray
Til the break of day
Baby, got it goin' on
Like the wife in Pro-verbs 31
We just might get engaged
When we finish reading this page
Cuz it's worn and it's torn
And I know this girl's reborn

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna save people from Hades (yeah)
Then read it...'til the pages fall out
Even white preachers got to shout
Baby got Book

Yeah baby
When it comes to a good book
Stephen King's resume just can't compare
39 + 27 = 66 books
And if you're Catholic...there's even more

Verse 3
So your girlfriend quotes Bill Hybels
But does she got a big Bible?
Cuz that little things she's got won't start a revival
My Bible study don't want none,
Unless you got Book, hun
...You can read Clancy or Grisham
But please don't loose this Book
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that Book's too old
So they toss it and burn it
And I pull up quick to just learn it
So your girl likes paperback?
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz my girlfriend's hot her Bible's rockin'
And she's got good doctrine
To the atheist chicks who try to dis
You ain't it Miss Priss
Give me a Christian, I'm insistin'
And I'll greet her with some holy kissin'
Some pervert tried to chase
But he didn't make it past first base
She's quick to resist temptation
And she loves a new translation
So ladies who were lost and found
If you want the triple-six thrown down
Dial 1-800-READS-A-LOT
And teach me about those Psalms
Baby got Book

Baby Got Book
Copyright 2004, Dan Smith

The Dreamscape in Its Persistence Prosecutes Its Ethereality Upon Me

2005-04-28T14:51:00.000-06:00

Listening to a strange combination of Jack Johnson, Xavier Rudd and the Spin Doctors. Cannot attest to my mental state.

Had a strange dream about my mother last night. She was looking for me, and even though I was in the same room as her, she walked by me. Then I left, and when I woke up, I felt a certain amount of relief; whether was because she didn't find me, or she didn't appear to want to find me, or just that I was awake, I don't know. But there you go. I think this is the first time that I remember ever dreaming about my mom.

Had some small controversy about communion at the House on Sunday. It has been making me think. What role does a non Christian (if that term even means anything) play in communion? The classical evangelical protestant response is that the non Christian cannot partake, but only observe, since it is a fundamental rite by which we (Christians - man I love these DEMARKATIONS and deliniations) identify with Christ, his sufferings, death and resurrection. How can a person proclaim the Lord's death if he/she/it does not believe in Christ? How can a nonChristian "judge the body" appropriately, and thereby avoid "eating drinking condemnation?"

I have to admit it is not sitting well with me. The more I think about it, and the more I read about it, the more I don't like it. To me, it seems that the Lord's Table is at its best when it is inclusive rather than exclusive. In the much disputed passage in 1 Corinthians 11 Paul doesn't seem to be making deliniations twixt Christian and otherwise. It seems only reasonable that there were nonChristians at the church in Corinth. (if nothing else, their behavior should suggest that.) Paul's language is inclusive, in that he seems to be addressing the entire church body, not a certain group, beyond singling out those that didn't wait for the poor.

It seems to me that the Lord's Table represents the UNITY of the community, and the community is bound to include those that would be classically defined at nonChristians. It seems to me that Paul is addressing the fact of the divisions in the community at Corinth, and that by the virtue of those divisions, made evident in the rich not waiting for the poor, and that it is those divisions that are profaning the table, not the spiritual "state" of the participants.

It seems to me that the centre of the community is Christ, and that any that come to the community understands this, and becomes part of the community sometimes because of this, and sometimes in spite of this. Some come because they share an intrinsic bond of spiritual brother/sisterhood inherent in their shared spiritual heritage. Some come because they wish to better understand or experience this spiritual heritage. Some come because they desire acceptance and the relationships and friendships inherent in community. I cannot, nor should I, judge the validity of any person's reasons for coming to the community. But, I think that if the understanding is clear that the center of the community is Christ, and that a nonChristian comes that they will be exposed to this type of thing, and that they are as much a part of the community as anyone that calls Christ Lord, or subscribes to any of the modernist labels of christianity. That would seem to suggest to me that they have a part to play in the "proclaiming of the Lord's death until he comes again" stuff as much as I, since in terms of community, they are equal members to me.

So to exclude them from the Table seems ludicrious. And yet.

And yet, it is a difficult thing to throw away 2000 years of practise. A difficult, and dangerous thing. Should we not respect the historical momentum of this? Perhaps we, the Emergent, throw away too much of the baby with the bath water.

Got all the paperwork done and away to register the House as a religious society. Now, all we have to do is wait for the government to kick our asses...

Community the Communist Commune Way

2005-04-23T22:20:00.000-06:00

Actually, this post has nothing to do with Communism, Communes or the way of either. However, it does have to do with community... I just wanted to play with the words.

Some of you may notice the absence of the link to Ali's blog in my link section. She asked that I remove it, since too many people she knew were reading her blog. After long, and sometimes painful conversation about this, I can reassure everyone who is interested that Ali and Jeremy are doing just FINE, and while they appreciate your love and support, you can just feel free to leave them alone. Oy. Beyond the trouble this has caused, I find this whole situation very interesting from the perspective of living in community. If we are living in community, where is the line between public life and private life? When two people live in community with other people, at what point do we draw the line beyond which members of the community do not have the right to comment or even know about certain details? Are there details that community members, regardless of how close the relationship, should not be privy to? Of course, due to the nature of the House, and the type of community that we are trying to build, the answer to that question may be differnt from other churches. Nonetheless, the question stands. When you expose certain details of your life on a blog, which people in the community then read, does that then FORCE you to live out those details in the full view of the community? I don't know, and I am not referring to Ali here. (No scathing emails, please Ali.)

So I am writing a love story. No sci-fi, no fantasy, just a present day love story. My publisher has expressed some interest in it, so I feel justified in wasting effort on it. However, where I am in the story right now is proving extrememly difficult to write, since it is hitting far too close to home. Ostensibly, writing it is supposed to help me work through it, but so far I have been spared the cathartic effect.

Check out a new blog in my link section. It is the blog of Estelle Besserer, who just happens to be, in my opinion, the most beautiful person in Saskatchewan that is also married to my buddy Jayson. Her blog is actually quite good looking, so check it out.

The Big 3-0

2005-04-19T15:25:00.000-06:00

So a week ago today I turned thirty. People always ask me, "Does it feel any different being thirty? How are you coping?" Honestly, I kinda miss the twenties, but then again, I also am glad they're gone. To me, my twenties was a time of trying to figure myself out, of setting the foundation, and planning for the future. I went to school, got some degrees, got a job, experienced major philosophical, social, and pracical paradigm shifts, lived, loved, and lost. In my twenties I worked jobs that paid me more than I ever have been paid, and I also lived on literally nothing. I have lived in an apartment with six other guys in a crowed downtown city center, and I have lived by myself in a shack in the woods with no heat but a wood stove that I had to cut wood for myself. I have kissed beautiful women, and I have given my heart away. I have established myself in a career for which I was amply trained for, and then walked away from it. I have seen a hobby turn into a living. I have seen things so terrible that they continue to frighten me when I am alone in the dark, and I have seen things so beautiful that my soul was not ready to behold it. In my twenties I have stood on roads that are as ancient as civilization itself, and sat in buildings that were old when Christ walked around Galilee. I have held a woman in my arms and loved her so much that my heart hurt, and I have felt the terrible ache when she was gone. I have been present as a new life came into the world, and I have held a man in my arms and looked in eyes as he died. I have prayed over someone and seen thier flesh restored. I have walked away from faith, and ran back. I have sworn at God, and blest his name. I have asked several questions, and received many answers. I have trusted, and I have been betrayed. I have been trusted, and I have betrayed. All this and more happened in my twenties. Which is a way of saying that I view it all as preparation. I guess I kind of look at it as if I now finally ready to begin. I have a much better sense of myself, and who I am and what I am here for, and I have a sense of what my next step needs to be and the type of life I want to live.

So the House threw me a birthday party. The best part was that it was a surprise. I love surprise parties. They, well, Amanda, had been planning it for more than a week, and I had no idea. The day of, Chuck and I get back to his place, in time for what I thought was going to be a regular Sunday service. I walk in, and I see a bunch of food layed out, and since we always have a meal together as part of our service, I thought that they had just put the food out early. I walk into the living room, and it is decorated with streames and such, and I think, "did they have a party here last night, like a shower for Martha and Jeremy or something?" so I say, "Chuck, what the hell is with the streamers?" At that point a crowd of people come rushing out of the bedroom yelling "surprise!" It was great. They totally got me. The place was full of my favorite people, and I felt totally loved. We did the party in lieu of our usual service, and I thought that was the most incredible part. All in all, it was the best birthday party I have ever had... except for maybe one some friends threw for me in Calgary that took place in a MacDonalds.

I'm not at the mid-life crisis point yet. Know what, maybe I'll just skip it.

Return of the Mack, Baby

2005-04-17T11:56:00.000-06:00

So I'm back. Blogger finally figured out what was wrong with my blog, and fixed it. They solved the problem on the first try, so props to Blogger.

Check out some new blogs in my links section. My buddy Chuck, who is the other Pastor of the House with me, now has a blog, along with his wife, Erika. Check them out. Also, my buddy Cortney's dog, Max, has a blog. I know, I know. Just check it out, okay? Do me a favor.

Galaga sweetness still reigns. We are beginning to separate the wheat from the chaff as far as Galaga players at the House is concerned. That game has caused much weeping and gnashing of teeth. And yet we still play it. Stunning. We wait for the return of the Son to the fray, and we regularly gather to lament the fickle affections of the Galaga godess. Honestly, its like a bad love affair; she abuses us, but we keep coming back, thinking that this time will be different.

We flounder in themidst of registering the House as a religious society in Alberta. We had to do a name/trademark search, and of course, it spitted back another church somewhere in Ontario that has already registered the name "The House," and trademarked it as well. We are told that if it wasn't a church, we could get away with it, but this is too close even for the sometimes dodgy copyright laws. So, we have officially changed the name of the church to "The House Community Evangelical Free Church." We figure that the chances of anyone else having that name in Canada is pretty slim. This way we can still informally use the name "The House," and officially refer to ourselves as the "House Community" and the Evangelical Free Church part of the name is both a nod to the denomination, and keeps the government happy.

Which reminds me. Paid my taxes recently. Most of my income last year came from my writing, from which tax is not automatically deducted. Having never dealt with that situation before, I didn't give it any thought. Then, when I did my taxes, after paying an accountant $278 to do my taxes, I am left having to PAY $7,400. Thankfully, I was able to pay it off, but it decimated my savings. $7400!! What the hell is that?!?!? What the hell could the government possibly do for me that would be worth $7400? I don't drive, so I don't need roads. I pay property taxes, so that pays for sewer and other services. I was telling this to a friend of mine, Uwe Stiles, who happens to be a constable for the Edmonton Police Service, and he said I could think of it as going to pay his salary. Makes sense, but my reply was, when was the last time I needed the police? To which he asks, "You ever been beaten half to death in your front yard?" My reply was, "No." he smiles and quips, "You're welcome." Funny. But still, $7400? Stinkin' worthless government. Feh!

I now have eight invitations to speaking engagements this summer. This my regular summer pattern. Should be fun. There's some camps, some retreats, and a conference. As well, I have been put on pulpit supply for the District. I really like the whole itinerant preaching thing. Gives me enormous freedom - I can go in, say what I want and get out, and leave the regular pastor to clean my mess! No, just kidding. But, this is a fickle business. If you start turning down invitations, you stop getting them, so its going to be a busy summer.

Been working on the love story. It is a story about a young pastor in a traditional church that falls in love with the non-christian woman that owns the coffeehouse that he spends alot of time in. The catch is that he never tells her that he is a pastor, because he's afriad that she will change the way she interacts with him if he tells her. Eventually, it just becomes comfortable, and for three years he doesn't tell her, until it comes out when she accidentally finds out that he's a pastor, and of course she feels betrayed, and hurt, and so on and so on. She leaves him, and he is left with trying to deal with learning to live without her. He starts to fall apart, and it affects his ministry, and so on. I am toying with the idea of getting them back together, since true love forgives, but I am also toying with them staying apart, he gets involved in a bad rebound affair, and it ultimately destroys him completely. I'm not sure. But, this is the first non-speculative fiction/science fiction piece I have ever done, so its kind of experimental.

Deluxe Galaga Sweetness

2005-04-04T14:37:00.000-06:00

So I picked up an Amiga emulator for my laptop. My very first computer, and the computer I had all the way through college was an Amiga. I started with an old Amiga 1000, debuted in 1985, and then I upgraded for college with an Amiga 1200. The 1000 had a whopping 512K of ram and NO hard drive, and a processor running at 6.8 mHz. The 1200 was much more powerful; I had a huge 170 mb hard drive, and 16 megs of ram. It was great. In college I acquired this game called Deluxe Galaga. It was incredible. Left, right, shoot. Those were the controls. If you have ever played the original Galaga, you know what the game is like, but this game took it to previously unknown depths. The graphics were great, but simple, and the gameplay -- that was the kicker. Guys would camp out in my dorm for hours on end to play this game - we even formed a whole culture around this game; we would talk about whether the Galaga Goddess was smiling on you that day or not, and our conversation became peppered with terms from the game. I know, it was pretty geeky, but when you live in a Bible College dorm where TVs are outlawed, you don't need to have a job, and you would rather do anything than homework, a game like Deluxe Galaga becomes irresistable. Of course by the time I graduated to ABC and was living with JB and Jason, Playstation was king and then there was the Bushido Blade and Grand Turismo sweetness, but that is a different story. So with this emulator came, you guessed it... DELUXE GALAGA! OH. MY. GOD. The guys at the House are now fully addicted. Aw, yeah! The problem is that the nature of the game is competitive, Adam, Chuck, Jeff and I feel utterly compelled to compare scores. The hitch is that I bought the emulator on CD, and it runs off the CD, which means that it doesn't save the high scores. The installation of the emulator is incredibly complex, and is beyond my skillz. So anyway, the game totally takes me back, and it still retains its playability! It chugs it a little on my laptop but I think that has more to do with graphic modes than processor or ram, and the audio emulation is not the best, but it doesn't affect the play at all. Its great.

Anyway, in other news, we had a commissioning service at the House on Sunday. We formed three working groups - one to take care of the business of buying our building, another visoncasting group to work on and answer more philosophical questions, and the third is practical planning group focusing on practical concerns, like what our Sundays look like, how we incorporate music or art, how we keep people plugged in and involved, and so on. We took turns laying hands on each of the groups and praying for them, and specifically giving them authority to act for us and authority to dream in freedom, and so on. It was actually quite powerful. Then, Chuck and I did a footwashing. We individually washed the feet of every member, and annointed their feet with oil. It freaked some people out, but I think that it was mostly just having people touch their feet. Oddly, no one had ever experienced a footwashing before, and for everyone it was a new experience. We got through it with some joking and laughter, people were kind of uncomfortable with Chuck and I kneeling at their feet withe a basin of water, a towel, and some oil. As we washed each person's feet, we told them that we loved them. It was for Chuck and I a sign that we were pledging to serve these people. That we were submitting to the community, and that we felt that God had called us to this work, and the oil is an ancient symbol of the pouring out of God's blessing. I think everyone was affected. Then, Jeremy had everyone lay hands on Chuck and I and pray for us. It was beautiful. I think that there is something powerful in human touch. I was struck, as I ran water over each person's feet, at how intimately I was touching these people, and then as I cradled their foot in the soft towel and gently dried their feet, looked into their eyes, called them by name and told them that I loved them, I came away fundamentally changed. These are my people now. I belong to them. It was cool.

Go Forth into the Wilderness and There It Shall be Built

2005-03-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

So we are on track to becoming a full fledged member of the Evangelical Free Church of Canada. Now that I am a DENOMINATIONAL pastor, does that mean that I have to have some kind of denominational loyalty; that I have to defend the denominational party line? Knowing the District Superintendent that I will be working under, definately not. However, I wonder what will become expected of me by the denomination, and the other pastors in the district. I can't believe that I am actually worrying about being accepted. Wow.

We finished our constitution last night. It was pretty easy, as things like this go. The church that I used to pastor, when we were doing our constitution, the process took six months: we would take one draft back to the congregation, have to make a bunch of changes, argue for a few hours over inconsequential wording, then go make the changes, and the process starts all over again. In the case of the House, we had it done in about three hours, and we emailed it out to the congregation today, and we should be able to ratify it on Sunday.

So after this, we need to register as a religious society, and so on. The short of it is that it will be much easier for us to buy our Building once we have our non profit status, so we are trying to expedite that process as much as possible. We plan to be accepted officially into the denomination at their fall conference, which I think is in October. I think we should have everything together to send off to the government within a couple of weeks. Of course, that is when the real struggle begins. Stinkin' government. What's all this drivel about the separation of church and state? Feh.

Haven't written in awhile. Need to get back to it. But before that can happen, I need to find some equilibrium in my life. I need to find some rhythm.

Yup... its the House Again

2005-03-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

Life is never fair. Stayed up late last night talking, and came to the realization that there are things that I hate. Not the good type of hate, like for the bad things in life; but rather hate of a different kind. It humbles me and condemns me that there is this in my life. Was it just niave wishful thinking on my part to think that leaving Sol Cafe to build the House would have no effect on the relationships there? Was it just niave wishful thinking on my part to think that broken relationship didn't have to be the norm? Shit, I hate it. Maybe I should just bury myself in the House and maybe after 6-9 months revisit Sol Cafe. Maybe that is the way to go. I don't know anymore.

Been reading "Reimagining Spiritual Formation," by Doug Pagitt from Solomon's Porch. I know that book is pretty familiar to a bunch of you, but I am just comoing to it, and I am finding a real kindred spirit, philosophically-speaking. He says, "Because of the couches, the absence of a stage, and the fact that people wander around during the gathering, some people describe our setting as casual. Actually, I prefer the word normal. But what happens in this space is anything but normal. When we gather in our normal-looking living room-like space, it is so we can talk about the unusual things of God and the call to live a life in the Kingdom of God. We infuse abnormal practises into this normal space. We sing, pray, confess, profess, eat the body and drink the blood of our Savior, sit quiety, hear the story of God, hear each other's stories, and give money because these are the practises that we want to REPLICATE IN THE REST OF OUR LIVES. [emphasis mine] We are seeking to create a place where our normal lives intersect with the intentional structuring of life in the Christian practises. In this we hope to learn how to bring the two togther in other settings. Instead of having a special place, unlike any other, where we try to make the things of God seem normal, we have tried to create a normal place that gives us permission to discuss the unique things of God... Our Sunday gatherings combine regular elements with occasional surprises. While special inclusions are always welcome and add variety, it is in the routine practises that we find our rhythm for living."

This passage has been consuming and informing my thinking over the past few days. The more I think about it the more I am starting to see that church is incredibly artificial. While i understand that the subject matter of what happens at church is by definition unusual, I can't help but think that we should be trying harder to foster the "normal" interaction rather trying to generate a specific response.

The Hizzle fo Shizzle

2005-03-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

So we went and looked at another house in the Hardisty region of Edmonton. I must say that it was pretty near perfect. Chuck, Erica and I spent the evening with the owners of the house, and we got on very well, I thought. The house was extrememly spacious and modern. The main meeting area on the main floor was large enough for our purposes and there was a room near the front door to be used as a chapel/sanctuary/spiritual airlock. There was a number of large bedrooms, and the downstairs (basement) level was extremely large. I think it will service our needs very well. The neighborhood is great, and it has a huge backyard. The location is not what we were hoping for, but is not too bad. We are all very excited about this house and plan this week to get as many people out to look at it as possible, since we want this to be a decision that everyone is behind.

We had our second gathering as the House. There was a good number of people there, and it was a good gathering, though I think it was pretty heavy. We took sort of a relaxed pace through the service, and just prayed where we wanted to pray, talk where we wanted to talk and so on. It was not as polished or atmospheric as alot of Emergent churches probably are, but I liked it. One of our core beliefs is that we want the nature of our community, the personalities and natures of the people there to shape what we do, so I think it will take us a few weeks of trying different things and evaluating. This past Sunday we opened with about twenty minutes or so of conversation, did a written prayer for about fifteen minutes, shared about our weeks for about forty minutes or so, which included a couple of verbal prayer times, then we read the first seven chapters of Genesis out loud which took about thirty minutes, then had a bit of a converstaion about Genesis for about twenty minutes, then we studied 1 Corinthians 1 together for about an hour then we took some time to talk about joining the E Free denomination, and about the house we were looking at. We also took time to talk about the philosophy behind a number of things that we do. All in all, it was formitive, not exactly what we invisioned, and probably way too heavy for most people right off the bat. I think until we get into our own facility, and out of Chuck's tiny apartment living room that we are going to have to simplfy. Our original idea was that if during the service, you started to get stir crazy, or was losing focus, or whatever, you could get up, go to a different part of the house or room and switch activities; go paint, or sketch, pick up a guitar and start playing, go play some pool, or just sit in a corner and ignore us. However, in Chuck's admittedly small apartment that is not possible, so we have to adapt our practise to our facility. The idea is that we find our own rythyms, and not have to be creative in some spontaneous way every week. Variety is great, but there is something to be said for consistency and rythym. I am not trying to lets structure our gatherings to death so that the same things happen every week and there is no life or variety. Its like in jazz; there is a lead sheet that lists the chords for the song, and everytime you play that song you play those chords; however, because of the nature of jazz, the song may never sound the same twice, but you always know what song it is because those chords are the same; you may use different intonations, rythyms, and solos, which totally change the sound of the song, but because you always play the same chords from the lead sheet the song retains its familiarity and recongizability. (Thanks to Rach for the jazz analogy) However, I think there should a consistency to the components of our service that focuses people on the rythym of the gathering. I am using this word rythym alot, meaning literally, " movement or fluctuation marked by the regular recurrence or natural flow of related elements." I appreciate that definition, because it denotes the dynamic nature of our relationship with God, but at the same time helps us to appreciate the sameness inherent in God. I resist the idea that every week needs to be different just for the sake of being creative. I think there are more ways to be creative while respecting these rythyhms

So, our journey is not yet over; hell, it hasn't even really begun. One of the best things about this is that we are approaching this with almost NO previous church growth/planting baggage. All of us have baggage from other churches, but I am the only one that has been damaged by Hybels, Warren and the rest of them. Its great, because we are free to find our own path. Maybe it will look like Hybels or Warren (not if I have anything to say about it.) but at least if it does, it will because that is where we find our expression, not because it happens to be the "in" model. I know that everyone says that. I know, I know. But it is the journey that is important.

One thing we want to make sure we do is avoid as many of the post modern pitfalls as possible. We want to avoid deconstruction. We have no desire to define ourselves by what we are not. As well, deconstruction is, by definition, destructive - it begins with the assumption that the concept is flawed, and thus must be deconstructed to uncover the nature of those flaws. Overall, though, it just seems bleak. As well, we want to avoid relativism - we think there are absolute truths, and that bible does speak definitively on several issues, and we want to be definitive as well. I guess I just feel that the whole post modernist view seems angry, for the sake of being angry. Personally, I am tired of being angry. I want to create something new; thus, the House.

I'm beginning to think that frequent, smaller posts are better than long infrequent ones, right?

The House

2005-03-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

So I met with Bill Taylor, district superintendent of the Evangelical Free church. We talked about denominational affiliation for the House. This is important, I feel, since a denominational structure will provide us with much-needed accountability, oversight and credibility. At the same time we can add a new kind distinctiveness to their denomination. Previously, I would have been extremely worried about the theology of a denomination before I could ever be part of them, and that is still true to a certain extent, but I know Bill, I trust him, and I respect him, and after hearing about the House, he was excited, and he thought that we could really fit into the Free Church fold. A denomination having the correct theology just isn't as important to me as it once was, since I see that true community, and thus the heart of God, is much more INCLUSIVE rather than exclusive. This seems to be the focus of this denomination; inclusivity rather than getting people to sign off on complicated statements of beliefs or creeds. Don't get me wrong: Calvin was annointed of God, and... just kidding. :) Really, though theology is important, but only in as far as the essentials.

The Essentials:

1. Deity/Humanity of Christ
2. Inspiration of the Word of God (that is incredibly vague but I can't think of a better term for it)
3. The State of Humanity
4. The Atonement

Possible Non Essentials:
1. Trinity
2. Ecclesiology
3. Infallibility of Scripture
4. Eschatology
5. Orthodoxy

... I think. I don't think I can be totally definitive on much of that. Its good for discussion, anyway.

In any case, I would be totally comfortable in signing onto the Free Church denomination; for nothing else than their emphasis on community over education as a means of spiritual formation. This belief is actually quite progressive and not something that I would expect to see out of a denomination. In short, I was extrememly pleased and encouraged about my discussion with Bill, and expect to have several more in the future.

We are looking at another house tomorrow night for the House, and are having dinner with Paul and Debbie Seburn. (They are the owners of the house in question.) I am looking forward to this; they seem to be excited about the concept of the House, and think that their house will be ideal for our purposes... they might also be just saying that to sell their house... but I doubt it. In any case, I hope the house is good; I'm kind of getting tired of looking, and want to get on with things.

Pitstop

2005-02-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

Feb 17th, hey? It's been that long since my last post? Wow.

So much has happened, I don't know exactly how to relate it all.

I have officially left Sol Cafe. After the leadership stepped down, it was plain to me that the future shape and direction of Sol Cafe was not an environment in which I could serve and be fed. That is not to say that I am angry at the community for choosing that direction. It is one that I disagree with and that does not fit me, and thus I could not be a part of it. All that is true, but it was the goal of the leadership from the beginning to help the community find a vision and a direction. It just so happens that the one they found was not one that we could agree with. It is difficult to maintain that separation: that I am leaving without anger, but nonetheless disagree fairly fundamentally with what was happening. For me, and this is what gives me peace, is that this does not have to place our relationships at stake. Leaving Sol Cafe does not mean that I sever all ties with the people there. In fact, I could say that it will only help my relationships because there will no longer be that contention between us. But it is difficult.

As I look at the past few months at the Sol Cafe, I am compelled to look at the fruit of my actions and belief, and the fruit of the entire situation. One of the fruits that I see with alarming clarity is that between last night and two weeks ago, thirteen people of the thirty or so that call Sol Cafe home have left. That troubles me. I would like to think that I have had little to do with people's decisions, but I cannot be sure of that. However, I know each of those people that have left, and they left not because they were called elsewhere, or that they had been ministered to and was sent out; they left because they were powerfully and deeply hurt by what happened at that church. This makes my soul mourn. This makes me wonder exactly what was the nature of what happened. What is at work in Sol Cafe that would produce this, beyond the average atrocities all human beings are prone to by the nature of their sinful natures? I don't know the answer to that. Perhaps the better question is, what have I done that contributed to this, or has produced this? What is going on? I just don't know how to answer this. I just don't know.

So, having officially left Sol Cafe - Sunday was my last there - I am forced to consider now what baggage I now bring with me. It would be the greatest folly to just say that leaving Sol Cafe makes everything okay. Granted, I feel so much less burdened, and I am now sleeping well at nights, and I am excited about the direction and vision that God has given me. But, there is still some anger there, some hurt, and feelings of rejection. It is difficult to say that I can keep these feelings separate, and to be aware of this baggage and to not allow it to influence my decisions. It is SO difficult.

So the future? Well, I and some others believe that God has given us a vision to create a particular type of community. We call it The House. I know, some other.... groups maybe thinking about using that name, but I think it applies so much better to us. :) In any case, this is pretty much what the house will look like: a bunch of us, probably three couples or so will buy a house together, and live there. That community will form the basis from which the Sunday nite will grow. The community that we gather around ourselves will use the space for a variety of things throughout the week, and will use the space to hang out, to meet people, and just to be. For example, if you have a Thursday off, instead of just spending it at home, you come to the House and spend that time there, or if you have an evening free, you come here. Instead of just staying at home and only meeting with people once a week or something like that, there is a continual interaction; even if you come to the House to do homework on a Wednesday night. We see this a community living together on an ongoing basis, rather than just meeting together on Sunday and maybe one other time a week. It starts to be become lives lived in common.

There's so much more to be said - about Sol Cafe, about the House, and so on, but I just don't where to begin. So, I guess this is a start. There will be more later. Perhaps using my blog as a medium to write about this will help me process what has happened at Sol Cafe and will help me better articulate the House.

Edmonton Restaurants

2005-02-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Here's a good resource for those of you in Edmonton looking for a good place to eat.

Edmonton Restaurants

Thanks to Steve.

So, As I Was Saying...

2005-02-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

So, as I was saying about the sequel...

Erasmus and his brother Charlemagne is sent out to hunt down their brothers, which they do with startling efficiency. After which, they are then sent out to fight this other threat. The core of Erasmus' flaws center around his guilt for the actions of his brothers. He feels responsible for their actions, and feels a powerful compulsion to make amends for what they have done. This translates into his everyday life as an almost compulsive need to always do the right thing, to have the right motives, and to sacrifice himself. He understands that he was created as a weapon, and he loathes that; he despises his skills as a warrior and thus has absoletely no peace. I then surround him with characters that reflect different ways that he tries to deal with this, and his own search for peace. Of course this turmoil translates to conflict as Erasmus struggles with his warlike nature and his desire for peace and tranquility, while nonetheless feeling utterly compelled, because of his genetics, to serve the Confederation in the very role he hates, and with every battle he fights, he begins to feel his humanity slipping away, and he starts to realize that he is more like his brothers than unlike, and that he is entirely capable of the atrocities that they committed. And the end... does Erasmus find release from his dark nature? Does he find some way to master it, or does he succumb like his brothers? Can Erasmus find peace, atonement, and redemption?

I don't know. What do you guys think?

The Future.... Today

2005-02-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Check this out:

Google Takes Over the Universe

Kind of a interesting take on the future of the internet.

Movement

2005-02-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

So Fido has caved. Mwahahahaha! That's right - I took on the faceless corporation and I decimated them. I crushed them beneath my heel. They reactivated my OLD phone for FREE and gave me a $20.00 credit for my trouble. See just goes to show you that you CAN fight the man. :)

Got a call back from IKON. After telling me "no," they called a couple of days later, and told me that a position was open, and asked if I could come in for another interview. That was Thursday - then they told me that I should know by Monday. On Tuesday they emailed me and asked me for references. So here I sit. I will be surprised if I hear from them before Friday.

I hurt my back again. It was stupid. I was at Shirley's place on Sunday night after church, and I think I pulled something. The good news is that I can still put on socks, take a shower, get in and out of bed, and use the bathroom without impediment.Those are all things by which I gauge my back injuries, so on a scale of 1-10, where my last one, in September was about 8-9, this is about 1.5.

I think I have a new lease on the Sequel. Previously I have been avoiding using the same template as the first novel: finding a main character, giving him flaws, and then surrounding him with characters that reflect those flaws and represent some part of the main character's journey, while telling the story from the perspective of the other characters and leaving the reader to piece it all together. According to my publisher that was the strength of the first novel, and what gave it its "originality." I resisted using that same template because I wanted to do something new, and explore a new style. But what I am learning is that it is acceptable for a writer to have a stylistic format and to keep to it, as long as there is sufficient variation to offset predictability. So, in lieu of writing this blasted thing a sixth time, I will replicate the template. This time, Erasmus is the main character, one of eight genetically engineered supermen designed and bred to fight a terrible enemy. However, when his brothers decide to take over the galaxy, he is forced to hunt them down. More to come.

2005-02-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

This is the final version of the cover of my book. Wicked sick graphics by Adam Dreher.

Here We Go Again

2005-02-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

So I didn't get the Ikon job. "Due to expense constraints hiring has been frozen," was the official response, though they told me that things should open up again in the future and they would "reach out" to me. Blah, blah, blah. Oh well.

Still fighting with Fido. Today they told me that according to their records my original phone (which I found) no longer exists in their system and is listed as "destroyed." Therefore I have to activate the new phone, which they demand that I pay the insurance deductible for, even though I am holding a perfectly good, intact phone in my hand at this very moment. Have no fear. They WILL submit to my will.

Talked to my editor today. She thought that the 5000 words "showed promise, but lacked the drive and passion of the first installment." No shit. She wasn't thrilled about my idea to start over again, but I think she realized that what I had just wasn't cutting the mustard. I think the problem is that the original is primarily character-driven, while this sequel was going to be plot-driven. The latter is okay, but then it turns very much into just another generic science-fiction story a la any of a hundred Star Trek novels. The problem is that I could just replicate the structure of the first novel - a central, flawed character surrounded by several foils that reflect different aspects of the central character's conflict. But that's been done. I don't know - I'll need to think about it some more.

I am trying very hard not to think about Sunday. Everything is pretty much set, and I think it is just in God's hands now. I, personally, have done all that I can. I just need to rest now.

Uhhh... Me Make Words... Good

2005-02-02T18:16:00.001-07:00

I am so blocked. I can barely string a sentence together, let alone create anything worthwhile, which explains my lack of blogging. This is disappointing, since enjoy the discipline of writing a blog everyday.

Notice below the working cover of my book. Looks freakin' amazing.Props out to Adam Dreher, to whom I now owe my first born child.

As for news - got my cell phone back, but Fido is being stupid. I actually found the original and tried to tell them I no longer need a new one, but they insist on still sending a new one and refuses to reactivate the old one and still expects to be paid for the new one. No worries though, I have gone head to head with cell phone companies before. They WILL submit to me.

I am STILL waiting to hear about the Ikon job. I was supposed to hear today, but they told me now that I should know by the end of the week. So I wait...

This Sunday is the big Sol Cafe throw-down. Again, I am cautiously optimistic, though committed. We'll see what happens.

So the short story is done, and I got my 5000 words to my editor by the deadline. The short is really good, but the 5000 words of the sequel is ALL shyte. I think I will need to start over. Again. The key is finding the the story that still needs to be told. All stories generate another story - it is just finding that story that will be the hard part.

Lent is beginning, and I am trying to think about how I will celebrate.

2005-02-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

This is the current working cover for my book - wicked sick graphics by Adam Dreher.

Finished

2005-01-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

So I just finished my short story. It is to be published in the speculative fiction magazine Specopolis. It is a new, small speculative fiction/science fiction magazine that contracted me to write a short story for them. They sent me a couple of pieces they were thinking about publishing, and as I read the type of stuff they had, I noticed that it was mostly cyberpunk-ish/telepath kind of stuff. Not really my cup of tea, so I decided that I should give them something a bit more... philosophic. So I wrote a story about the fear of death; this is played out in the format of a highly advanced race that over literally trillions of years builds this artifact that will preserve them and all "True Life" past the end of the universe. They decide that they are not going to allow trillions of years of advancement and accomplishment be randomly destroyed when the universe ends. The idea is that this race and their need to survive mirrors our own fear of death and sometimes fanatical need to persist. Of course, the real point is fate - can you struggle against your fate; can you change it or overcome it? An added complication is that every living being, everywhere in the universe, after they die, their soul, or Voice, is captured by this race and placed in storage until the end of the universe. After the Big Crunch and the subsequent Big Bang, the race will then use these Voices to seed new planets, spreading life across the universe billions of years before it did the last time. The twist comes when one Voice "wakes up" before its time and starts asking questions. It allows for a couple of good conversations about fate between the being and the aliens. Now, as for whether or not the aliens actually succeed in surviving the end of the universe... you'll have to read the story to find out. The chances of you finding a copy of Specopolis in print is pretty slim; I think they would publish the story on their website once the issue actually goes to print, though. However, I don't know which issue they plan to publish the story in. I will keep you all posted.

The Calling

2005-01-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

So last night Chuck and I had a really excellent conversation over cheap pasta with a couple of people from Sol Cafe. We started to talk about "calling." This is an idea that I got from Joe; the idea that we need to approach Sol Cafe from the perspective of a "calling," rather than a "hobby." As I satrted to think more about this, more it became obvious to me. To allow Sol Cafe to succeed, the shift that we have to make is to thinking about Sol as a calling. The first reason for this is that Sol is going to require much more than just some regaulr church. In many "traditional" churches there is a certain amount of... momentum, whether that be tradition, history, or just plain numbers. Strangely, we have none of those three at Sol Cafe. WIthout that momentum to keep us going in the midst of transition or upheaval, we will need to step up all our efforts. We cannot afford spectators. And to ask people to invest at this level, requires a calling. A special invitation from God to a task, because it will be hard and arduous, and it will not always be fun. That calling needs to come from God because in the midst of the trial, you MUST believe that there is a goal, or purpose. The other reason is that it will require special measures of grace and strength from God to sacrifice. It is interesting to think about sacrificing to attend church. Some might think that it is not our place to be asking people to give things up to come to church, or help the church survive. We tend to think that people are busy, or that they are already giving as much as they can, etc. But now I wonder if we might need to start calling people to sacrifice for the sake of Sol Cafe. Of course, I have no idea what that means or what it will look like.

So I am thinking about "calling" this week in preparation for talking about it for service on Sunday. The passage that is defining my thinking is Ephesians 4:1-6, which says, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit–just as you were called to one hope when you were called–one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." The interesting thing in these verses are the words, "kaleo," "eklethete," and "parakalo." These are all iterations of the greek verb "kaleo," which means to "call, or invite," but also has the implications of "giving a name." I can appreciate how this passage connects calling with community. I think there is something here.

Thoughts?

The Dawning of the New Era?

2005-01-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

So this Sunday was the first for Sol Cafe without our pastor, Rob. If you didn't know, our Pastor resigned a couple of weeks back because, basicially, he was burnt out. In the process we have lost some other, additional leadership, and now Sol Cafe is sort of floundering, waiting for a new leadership vision to evolve. This is not inherently healthy. We are not even sure if Sol Cafe should continue. Sure, everyone at Sol Cafe is really positive that they want it to continue, but I am not sure if everyone will be willing to commit to what is necessary for Sol Cafe to continue in a healthy, Christ-centric way. Personally, if we just want to continue as we have been, not thinking we need to change, then I have no desire to be here; since we'll only be back to where we are now only a year or so later. This time it will be ME that is burnt out. We have a leadership core, and we are striving to put together a leadership model that is good for us and that honor's Christ in our context. But, fundamentally, I feel a littel trepidation. That being said, I am nonetheless feeling very positive and hopeful. I believe in our leadership team; I know that each of them are passionate about Sol Cafe and committed to continually seeking God's face in the process of working this out. I listen to the stories of people in the congregation and I am encouraged and edified as I hear, very clearly, how God is at work in their lives. What encourages me the most is that THEY see it as much as I do. I am surrounded by people that love me and support me; Shirley, Chuck, Jayson, and more. Their presence in my life has kept me on an even keel. They have made me feel loved even when I have felt the most alone.

So I guess I could say that I feel cautiously optimistic? I don't know if that is the right term or not. Perhaps I should consult with my contact in the field of Communication and Rhetoric. :) If nothing else, I will say that this whole process has really reformed my prayer life. I came to the conclusion that I MUST give this over to God; to do otherwise only invites insanity.

What a Day

2005-01-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

So I lost my cellphone yesterday. I was coming out of a job interview and I think it fell out of my pocket. So, no cell phone, at a time when I need to be in communication with people, moreso than any other time. Then, this morning I was at the gym and I was talking to this girl while I was on the crosstrainer. As I was finishing, I was concentrating on talking to her and I fell off the machine, flat on my back, knocking the breath out of me. Smooth. Then I miss my bus getting to the cafe, so I am late taking over from the morning guy. Oh well, maybe I should just go home, bury my head under the blankets and try to forget about today.

So I have been interviewing for a job at Ikon Office Solutions, in their Order Coordination dept. It is a good job with good pay, good hours and great perks. I had my first interview last week, they liked me enough to bring me back for another interview, which was yesterday. I thought it went really well. They told me that I should know by today or tomorrow. Of course, they can't phone me because my cell phone is lying somewhere in a snow bank. ANyway, I hope I get the job. It will be nice to making an income that approaches the national average. :) And no shift work!

Geekboy Lord of the Universe

2005-01-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am the Geekboy Lord of the Universe. I have published pictures on my blog of a starship from a book I wrote. You don't get much more geeky than that. Nonetheless, I am extremely proud of the images, produced by Adam Dreher. Simply incredible. It is really exciting to see something from your imagination actually appear in front of you in full 3D. Hey, at least I am getting paid to write. That is something. Its not like I am just some fan in his basement writing some Star Trek story about how Picard finally expresses his true love for Beverly Crusher while simultaneously fighting off a resurrected Kahn Singh while matching wits in the newest appearance of Q.

So, in the meantime I am trying to focus on writing that short story. The short story format is difficult for me, but I look forward to the challenge. I think the premise of the story is going to be about the first alien culture who realize that eventually the universe will end and all the billions of years of their accomplishments will be destroyed utterly, so they embark on a plan to construct a device that will act as a life preserver for them and other life they choose to save. It will deal with themes of death, fear of death, resurrection and the end of all things. Part of the challenge is to do a story like this justice in only >6000 words. As well, the technical and scientific research is also daunting. I have an astrophysicist friend of mine helping me, but the questions that I am asking her are stumping her, so we'll need to work through these ideas. Maybe I'll post a bit once I have a few words on the page.

By the way, be sure to check out my friend Rachel's blog. It's in my link section.

Still cold. -36. Still wearing shorts. And why not? Will wearing pants all of a sudden make it feel like its 20 degrees?

2005-01-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

More of the new design.

2005-01-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

More of the new design.

2005-01-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

These are the new design. Better? Worse? Do you care?

2005-01-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

This is the new design, more organic, more sleek. Thoughts?

The Salt Mine

2005-01-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

So I had a job interview today. I thought it was time that I move on and take a step back from the Cafe and try different things. So I interviewed for this job with Ikon Office Machines as Western Canadian Order Coordinator. Wow. Basically it would be me who would be responsible for making sure that companies got the machines that they ordered and so on. Its a regular 9-5 mid-level paper pusher kind of job, which is pretty much what I was looking for. I'd be making approx 31K/yr which, while peanuts, is more than ample for my needs. The interview was very positive and I move on to the next level of interviewing sometime later in the week I think. Here's hoping.

It is cold here today. -30. Windchill taking it to -40. But, I'm still wearing shorts, dammit. Take that winter, you bastard.

2005-01-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

Another angle of the Heavy Destroyer. Again, by Adam Dreher.

2005-01-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

This is the Invictus-class Heavy Destroyer, foreward elevation. Insanely sick graphics by Adam Dreher

Where Has the Time Gone?

2005-01-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

Has it really been that long since I have blogged. Oh, my poor readers! How devastated you must have been without my musings! (If only.)

Much has happened, and I have been barely able to touch a keyboard, let alone organize my thoughts into something resembling coherency. So I guess I'll just fill everyone in.

1. The Pastor of the Sol Cafe has resigned. Last Sunday he announced that effective Jan 16 he would no longer be our pastor. Much turmoil ensues. Our community is already reeling from internal tension and full of hurting people (nothing unordinary about that) and many people are leaving or thinking about leaving. Rob feels tired and burnt out. He has been doing Sol Cafe fulltime for six years, and he and his family can do no more. This leaves a considerable leadership vacuum in Sol Cafe, and has forced us to ask the question, "Can we survive without Rob?" If the answer to that is no, then it might be more healthy for us to just end it.

This is tough for me, since Sol Cafe is the first church, including the one I pastored, that I truly care about. But, you know what? I'm tired too. I am not sure that I want to continue. I know that the coming months at Sol will eat my soul alive, but the alternative is worse. So I am neatly trapped. IN the meantime, since the announcement of Rob's resignation, I have been busy meeting with people to gauge feelings and try to encourage and motivate people to think and pray more deeply about what Sol Cafe means to them, where they see the hand of God, and where their own committment is. This has been difficult and draining for me. As for my own heart, I am prepared to go either way. If Sol ends, I can walk away with a measure of peace. If Sol continues, I am willing to commit everything to making sure it works, to rebuilding our community. However, a friend told me that to expect change without changing our behavior is absurd. That is a good point. How can expect Sol to be better this time without making a fundamental change?

2. Earlier this fall I hurt my back really badly. I was bed-ridden for almost a month. I literally could not move, they were going to operate on my back, etc. During that month, NO ONE came to see me, NO ONE called. I felt utterly isolated, completely alone. It got to the point where I had a breakdown. Of course, I never called anyone to come over, and Shirley did come over plenty of times, and she called and so on. However, no one else from my church did. That really hurt me. Shirley has noted that since I have recovered from the injury I have changed in some way, that somehow this injury has really affected me. When she said that I really resonated with what she was saying. I could feel the difference in me twixt the summer and now. I didn't like it. I don't like what I have changed into. So it forces me to ask, how have I changed? How is this affecting everything from my relationship with Shirley to Sol Cafe, to my job, writing and so on? Not to mention my spiritual life. And most importantly, how do I get beyond it? Shirley suggested that the cause was that I felt utterly betrayed by the community. For me community has always been the core of my beliefs, and my beliefs about community form the core of my relationship with God. When that is betrayed, when that trust is proven misplaced, or wrong, it shakes everything. Perhaps I am feeling the effects of this. And as we seek to rebuild our community, what does that mean for me?

3. On a lighter note, the sequel is off the ground, at least I will meet my publisher's deadline for the end of this month; it won't be done, but I will have 5000 words for her. Of course, it will be shit, but at least there will be 5000 words of shit. We can work on that from there. I have decided that to gain a new hold on this project I have to ignore the sequel for awhile and focus on something else. I have been contacted by a sci-fi magazine called Neo-Opsis to write a short story for them. I think I can crank it out here in a couple of weeks. I think that will be a good creative vacation. In the meantime I have an artist friend of mine working on 3d models of the ship from the first book. They are incredible. He sent me some drafts today.

So, now I think things will begin to slow down, so I hope I will be able to blog more regularly.

The Beginning of a New Year

2004-12-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

So its New Years Eve. Ugh. What does this mean? I have to take stock of the previous year and analyze my failings and successes? Make some resolutions? What if I don't feel emotionally capable of that? Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living. Well, I have had enough navel-gazing for awhile. I want to curl into a tight ball and pass into oblivion until... I don't know, until things are better?

You know, I like to think I am a fairly self-aware guy, capable of seeing and correcting my own neuroses, for the most part. As I stumble, fall, and get dragged down this path of wretched evolution, kicking and screaming against my will, I am forced to think that I am becoming something. I don't know what, but my faith tells me something is at the end. But sometimes, like right now, I want to give up. I want to drown my sorrows in one of the thousand shallow, band-aid solutions that thousands of people use everyday. Of course I know they don't work and I will only end up more miserable than I already am. And of course I know that I cannot give up, since he that lives within me will not allow it. Romans 14:4 - to his own master a man will stand or fall, and and stand he will, for the Lord will make him stand.

So my hopes for 2005? That is the wrong question to ask me right now.

I was thinnking of Becky from Saskatoon the other day and I came across this song:

Saints and children we have gathered here to hear the sacred story
And I'm glad to bring it to you with my best rhyming and rhythm
'Cause I know the thirsty listen and down to the waters come
And the Holy King of Israel loves me here in America

And if you listen to my songs I hope you hear the water falling
I hope you feel the oceans crashing on the coast of north New England
I wish I could be there just to see them, two summers past I was
And the Holy King of Israel loves me here in America

And if I were a painter I do not know which I'd paint
The calling of the ancient stars or assembling of the saints
And there's so much beauty around us for just two eyes to see
But everywhere I go I'm looking

And once I went to Appalachia for my father he was born there
And I saw the mountains waking with the innocence of children
And my soul is still there with them wrapped in the songs they brought
And the Holy King of Israel loves me here in America

And I've seen by the highways on a million exit ramps
Those two-legged memorials to the laws of happenstance
Waiting for four-wheeled messiahs to take them home again
But I am home anywhere if You are where I am

That's for Becky - my favourite American... okay, the ONLY American I know. :)

And So This is Christmas

2004-12-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm back. The Christmas season is over and I can rest easy again, relatively. For me Christmas was spent in the embrace of my friend Adam's kith and kin. They live out Lethbridge way, and I, along with Adam's girlfriend Amanda spent four days hanging out with the fam. Of course, the appropriate family drama ensued. However, I got to meet Adam's cousin Shane and Shane's boyfriend Sean. Awesome guys. Really, really great guys. Shane is preparing to enter seminary to be a Lutheran pastor, so he and I pretty much connected right away. He and Sean really transformed my whole thinking about the homosexual issue. That is a blog post yet to come.

But as the five of us, Adam, Amanda, Shane, Sean and I pretty much spent all the time together. It was very good. But as we sat around telling the stories of our families, and all the stories were BAD, I thought to myself, why the fuck do we hang out with these people? If these were relationships with just acquintances that were this painful and this negative, we would cut them off and move on. BUt, somehow we think that family is this magic relationship that we need to endure regardless. Bullshit.

I have been reading about how urban young people our age (25-30) are forming urban tribes made up of friends and communities that are replacing familial relationships. I think this is a result of this phenomena.

Maybe its just another sign of the dissolution of the family unit. :P

A Christmas Poem

2004-12-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Just a little poem I wrote to remind me of the point of the season.

A Christmas Poem

My dream for you is of a Christmas of hope,
And a brave New Year.

May you be surrounded by those that love you,
And may the joy of the returning light fill you.
My gift to you is a promise of love,
The gift of a failing heart.

All I have to give those that love me
Is my own imperfect love,
But in the glory of the season,
It is enough.

I speak of hope,
For this is the season of hope,
That the pain will not last,
That our thirst will soon drown in the song not sung in vain.
We look ahead to the coming days,
And pray for our children,
And those we love.

And dear one,
As you read this,
Know that with each word
My soul sings a prayer for you,
And with each line,
My heart renews its love for you.

Dear one,
Know that my heart and soul is with you
Always.

Still Alive... kinda

2004-12-20T19:11:00.001-07:00

So, yes, I am still here, and I am still blogging. The past couple of weeks or so have been nuts, but its mostly over.

First, I have been doing non-stop Xmas charity work with Shirley. Crazy busy. Why do people only do charity stuff during Christmas? Well, I know the answer to that question, but still, I like to bitch. :) The work has been good for me - its my attempt to change my attitude about Christmas.

Second, I have been working non-stop on the sequel to my first novel. I had a scary (okay, not so scary) visit from my editor who suggested that I might want to get to work. So, she and I threw around some ideas, and I think I have something workable; I just need to actually WRITE.

Third, there has been major crap going on with my church; our pastor leaving, leadership leaving, people feeling burnt out, etc, and me and a couple of others trying to keep it all together. More on that on a future post.

Many of these topics I need more time to write about, but I am late for my accountability meeting so I need to go. I wanted to at least do a short post for people whose universe imploded without their daily unhomed musing. :) (I only wish that were true.)

Have fun. Happy fucking holidays.

Still Alive... kinda

2004-12-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I am still here, and I am still blogging. The past couple of weeks or so have been nuts, but its mostly over.

First, I have been doing non-stop Xmas charity work with Shirley. Crazy busy. Why do people only do charity stuff during Christmas? Well, I know the answer to that question, but still, I like to bitch. :) The work has been good for me - its my attempt to change my attitude about Christmas.

Second, I have been working non-stop on the sequel to my first novel. I had a scary (okay, not so scary) visit from my editor who suggested that I might want to get to work. So, she and I threw around some ideas, and I think I have something workable; I just need to actually WRITE.

Third, there has been major crap going on with my church; our pastor leaving, leadership leaving, people feeling burnt out, etc, and me and a couple of others trying to keep it all together. More on that on a future post.

Many of these topics I need more time to write about, but I am late for my accountability meeting so I need to go. I wanted to at least do a short post for people whose universe imploded without their daily unhomed musing. :) (I only wish that were true.)

Have fun. Happy fucking holidays.

A Day in the Life

2004-12-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

Long day today. I was up before six this morning (which is exceedingly rare for me) to go have breakfast with some buddies and then four of us were going to have a "computer party" at my buddy Jorgen's office. I use the word party very loosely here, since it was four of us fixing and setting up four computers that I salvaged out of six or seven donated old computers. However, getting the computers just to run (with no hardware conflicts) was hard enough, let alone adding windows into the mix. We had the added fun of one of my buddies wasting about an hour trying to get a computer to boot from floppy, only for me (an hour later) to point out that the power cable was not attached to the drive. Yeah. Fun. And then, sitting through the ENDLESS windows updates. But, it has been fun and we are having a great bonding time. My intention was not to use this as a computer bitch session.

So I broke down and did some Christmas shopping. Actually, I did it in August. I ordered it back then because the guy said it would take that long just for it to get here. Shirley is a huge fan of tea, so I ordered her this mand-made Indian (she grew up in India) tea set from this cool export shop here in Edmonton. It just got here today, so i have to go pick it up, which means a trek way over to the west side. However, I think it will be worth it, since I know she'll love it.

That being said, that is it for my participation in useless Christmas traditions.

Release of the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended version is slated for Dec 14... I am already organizing a LOTR party to watch all three extended versions back to back on New Years Eve. Cool, huh? Obscenely geeky, huh? However, we are going to be watching it at the Cafe (we're closed that day) on a eight foot screen with full digital surround sound. Sweet. Might be worth a trip from SK... :)

So... still working on computers... will be doing so for awhile. Someone please kill me. :)

The Compassionate Obligation

2004-12-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

My buddy Chuck and I just had a pretty intense lunch. We talked about our obligation to reach out in love to the people closest to us: our church community. I have recently come to the conclusion that in my own church there is a startling amount of broken community. The past couple of weeks or so I have been talking with people almost non-stop, and I keep hearing the same story over and over and over. They do not feel supported or comforted at church. This, as a leader, bothered me and moved me to challenge our other leaders to step up and try to remedy this. Especially since in many cases it is as simple as a five minute phone call.

It has forced me to consider what is the best way for me to demonstrate love to those people in my community? What is my obligation? The more I thought about it, and as I considered the biblical record, what I kept coming back to is that it is mandatory for us to take an active role in caring for eachother. The extent and scope of that care is largely irrelevant. God, I think calls us to love as best we can.

But largely I am beginning to believe that I have no choice. God expects it, and when I do not do it, I am falling short of the mark that God has set for me. As far as I can tell, that sounds like a definition of sin to me. And I am guilty; of anyone, I above all am guilty.

I know the excuses. Different people have different love languages. We live busy lives - we get distracted. Different people are gifted in different ways. And so on. It's all a load of shit.

The fact is, Christ calls us beyond the pettiness of our lives. He calls us to move beyond the distraction of worrying about how full our plates are and showing human kindness and love to those around us. We are held to a higher standard.

I think of my buddy Jayson. I was really hurting awhile ago. I mean REALLY hurting. He and his wife took me into their house and for two whole weeks - non stop - they ministered to me. They made me feel loved and appreciated and accepted. They accepted my condition and treated me with more grace and love than I have ever felt. They brought to me the peace of Christ. In the end, they helped me heal.

Then, leaving their house and returning to my life, I realized that it was now incumbent upon me to demonstrate love to others. So I started to call people; I started to spend time with them, listening to them. I foudn out there are alot of hurting people in my church that did not feel that they could count on the church for support, and that when I offered it to them, it was the first time they had ever experienced it.

That told me something was wrong; desperately, deadly horribly wrong. If there are more people out there, within arm's reach of me, that are hurting as I hurt, and I was doing nothing about it...

Of course, it does not remove the responsibility from those that are hurting to 1) tell others that they are hurting, and 2) help others, even in their pain. The responsibility is shared; that is after all what community is about.

So we are trying to fix it. I don't know how, and I don't know if my church will survive it. But I can do nothing less.

I was hungry
And you formed a humanitarian club
And you discussed my hunger.
Thank you.
I was imprisoned,
And you crept off quietly
To your chapel in the cellar
To pray for my release
I was naked,
And in your mind
You debated the morality of my
Appearance
I was sick
And you knelt and thanked God
For your health.
I was homeless
And you preached to me
Of the spiritual shelter of the
Love of God
I was lonely
And you left me alone
To pray for me.
You seem so holy;
So close to God
But I’m still very hungry
And lonely
And cold
So where have your prayers gone?
What have they done?
What does it profit a man to page through his
Book of prayers when the rest of the world is
Crying for help?

M. Lunn

In For A Pound

2004-12-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

So I survived the interview. Mostly they seemed impressed with me, and if I must say, I think I was particularly articulate. :) Actually finding out more about the job was encouraging, that I didn't actually have to shower the visitors, that was a major relief. So, in all I think it might be a useful job for awhile. I don't think I could do it for years and years. But it might be a useful means to an end. Actually working for a Christian organization rather than a money-grubbing Capitalistic corporation might be better for the soul as well.

The Canticles: The Holiness of God

2004-12-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

In the Heat of Meeting, there is a place of profound silence.
There is within the maelstrom a tranquil eye,
Where none of the Violence of Purpose touches.
And in that place we can encounter the Keeper of the Grove.
In the wild frenzy of fiery Presence, we are lost.
I am unmade under the eye of He Who Is.
There, in the blast furnace of Meeting I am laid bare before the Shaper.
The hot, savage Apartness that is there strips away all to dry bones.
All is known perfectly in that brutal crucible.
At the end of all things we stand alone in the tranquility of the eye.
I am known there.
My name is the silent shout heard in the wild harmonies of Meeting.
My secrets are the riotous tapestry that is laid bare.
I cannot hide from that awful gaze.
Even the hearts of the stones are laid open to the scouring gaze of the Most High King.
We come alone to that place, and there is fear there.
Our undoing awaits us.

A poem of Matt

In For A Penny...

2004-12-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

So, here I am getting ready for a job interview. I am interviewing for a position as an Intox worker at the Hope Mission here in Edmonton. The Hope Mission is an inner city mission to homeless people. Since I have decied to go back into full time ministry, I thought this might be a good way to get my feet wet again without getting into a pastoral ministry. Besides, everyone knows that I shouldn't get into pastoral ministry in Edmonton, right? :)

My job would be to basically take care of the intoxicated homeless that come to the mission: get them showered, clean clothes, food, bedded down etc. It will be engrossing, hard work, but I think I'm up to it. And, I think it will be good preparation for the future.

I am a little intimidated, though. I worry about my ability to show real compassion to these people, rather than just demonstrating the smae disdain and disgust that most peope feel when they encounter them. For me, this job will be as much of a spiritual challenge as anything else. I guess that's why I'm doing it.

The interview is in half an hour. I will post my thoughts apres-interview.

BTW... I think Gideon Stark has it.