Canticles of the Unhomed
Monday, May 23, 2005
And So I Wait
So I'm back.
Whenever you get back from being away like I just did, the question that you are always asked is, "what did you learn?" At least, that is the question that you should be asked. Thankfully, I had the pleasure of spending time with Jay and his wonderful wife Estelle. I have said it before, and I will say it again, but God Almighty do these people know how to minister to me. Rarely have I met such selfless servants of God who simply LOVE me; indiscriminately and ruthlessly. I see much of Christ in these people, both individually and as a couple. I don't know what it is about these people - okay maybe I do - but they have the ability to create such healing in me just by loving. It is a powerful testimony.
Some random memories from Saskatoon:
1. Quesadilla. 'Nuff said. Getting hungry...
2. Cruising down 8th singing the Neverending Story song with JB.
3. No limit Texas Hold'Em. In Denny's. In a pub. Last game I DOMINATED.
4. Sweet, sweet wings at the Double Deuce.
5. Nursing at the teat of wisdom...
6. Ginger Beef in the smallest town in Saskatchewan.
7. Falling in the tub - for the third time.
8. Dirty watermelon.
9. Arguing the doctrine of hell with an intractable heretic.
Overall, I return feeling rested, healed, exhausted and reoriented. I think I could have used another week with Jay and Estelle, but what are you going to do? Came back to some troubling news. The Evangelical Free Trust that we were hoping to use for funding for our building purchase has delayed our application until we can become a full fledged member of the Evangelical Free denomination. This happens in October, but does little for the little real estate deal that is affecting SO many lives.
This past week I have been giving a lot of thought to anger. We have spent alot of time in the past week looking at past hurts and helping eachother move toward some kind of healing. Those of you that know me know that I have been through in the last six or nine months. Nuff said. On the other side of that pain, I stand here and wonder if I should feel angry or not. I don't; I honestly don't, though I feel the potentiality in me to do so.
In fact I feel that potential so strongly that it scares me. I don't want to be angry; but at the same time I think that nothing would be better. As it sits, I feel hurt, but that pain does not control me; I don't get the impression that it is impairing either my judgement or my ability to laugh and enjoy life, and I know that it has not weakened my relationship with God. In fact, the opposite is true. Most importantly, that pain does not give way to anger. I feel anger toward myself for the role my own actions played in the events, but I do not yet feel anger toward other people. But I could. I feel it inside me, and it wants to get out, it wants to lash out and yell, and hurt and wound and damage. It wants to say horrible things and it wants to destroy relationships that I once held more closely than my own life. It wants to wish for only the worst things for people and it wants to take joy in the hurt of others. Frankly, it disgusts me.
But God is good... so good. He has preserved me, and he has given me strength to discipline myself against such horrors. So, the Cerberus of my anger is chained. It gives me time to find a solution and find healing. Perhaps the lessons of mythology can help me. Heracles calmed Cerberus by showing him kindness; Orpheus lulled him to sleep with sweet music; Aeneas put him to sleep with drugged honeycakes.
But my real concern is not for my own emotional constipation, but rather how I be a leader in the midst of it. It seems trite and insulting to say, "use it." I get the sense that brokeness is a characteristic of our generation. But I know that God is good, and that love brings healing. So I will love, and surround myself with love. If this process has done anything it has softened my heart to love others. I refuse to give in to anger, hate and destruction. Of course, I am human, and I am given to failure. It is reassuring that I do not suffer alone. This past week has taught me that as I heard story after story of God's love in the face of terrible pain.
"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." - Jeremiah in Lamentations.
"For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." - Habakkuk
And so I wait.
Whenever you get back from being away like I just did, the question that you are always asked is, "what did you learn?" At least, that is the question that you should be asked. Thankfully, I had the pleasure of spending time with Jay and his wonderful wife Estelle. I have said it before, and I will say it again, but God Almighty do these people know how to minister to me. Rarely have I met such selfless servants of God who simply LOVE me; indiscriminately and ruthlessly. I see much of Christ in these people, both individually and as a couple. I don't know what it is about these people - okay maybe I do - but they have the ability to create such healing in me just by loving. It is a powerful testimony.
Some random memories from Saskatoon:
1. Quesadilla. 'Nuff said. Getting hungry...
2. Cruising down 8th singing the Neverending Story song with JB.
3. No limit Texas Hold'Em. In Denny's. In a pub. Last game I DOMINATED.
4. Sweet, sweet wings at the Double Deuce.
5. Nursing at the teat of wisdom...
6. Ginger Beef in the smallest town in Saskatchewan.
7. Falling in the tub - for the third time.
8. Dirty watermelon.
9. Arguing the doctrine of hell with an intractable heretic.
Overall, I return feeling rested, healed, exhausted and reoriented. I think I could have used another week with Jay and Estelle, but what are you going to do? Came back to some troubling news. The Evangelical Free Trust that we were hoping to use for funding for our building purchase has delayed our application until we can become a full fledged member of the Evangelical Free denomination. This happens in October, but does little for the little real estate deal that is affecting SO many lives.
This past week I have been giving a lot of thought to anger. We have spent alot of time in the past week looking at past hurts and helping eachother move toward some kind of healing. Those of you that know me know that I have been through in the last six or nine months. Nuff said. On the other side of that pain, I stand here and wonder if I should feel angry or not. I don't; I honestly don't, though I feel the potentiality in me to do so.
In fact I feel that potential so strongly that it scares me. I don't want to be angry; but at the same time I think that nothing would be better. As it sits, I feel hurt, but that pain does not control me; I don't get the impression that it is impairing either my judgement or my ability to laugh and enjoy life, and I know that it has not weakened my relationship with God. In fact, the opposite is true. Most importantly, that pain does not give way to anger. I feel anger toward myself for the role my own actions played in the events, but I do not yet feel anger toward other people. But I could. I feel it inside me, and it wants to get out, it wants to lash out and yell, and hurt and wound and damage. It wants to say horrible things and it wants to destroy relationships that I once held more closely than my own life. It wants to wish for only the worst things for people and it wants to take joy in the hurt of others. Frankly, it disgusts me.
But God is good... so good. He has preserved me, and he has given me strength to discipline myself against such horrors. So, the Cerberus of my anger is chained. It gives me time to find a solution and find healing. Perhaps the lessons of mythology can help me. Heracles calmed Cerberus by showing him kindness; Orpheus lulled him to sleep with sweet music; Aeneas put him to sleep with drugged honeycakes.
But my real concern is not for my own emotional constipation, but rather how I be a leader in the midst of it. It seems trite and insulting to say, "use it." I get the sense that brokeness is a characteristic of our generation. But I know that God is good, and that love brings healing. So I will love, and surround myself with love. If this process has done anything it has softened my heart to love others. I refuse to give in to anger, hate and destruction. Of course, I am human, and I am given to failure. It is reassuring that I do not suffer alone. This past week has taught me that as I heard story after story of God's love in the face of terrible pain.
"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." - Jeremiah in Lamentations.
"For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." - Habakkuk
And so I wait.
:: written by Matt Thompson, 7:35 PM
4 Comments:
Hey, Matt, welcome back! We've missed you.
Glad you had a good time in SK.
Glad you had a good time in SK.
Good thoughts Matt. I'm really glad you felt "the touch" on the week away. Just wanted to let you know you have been influential in my healing process, and I know Derek would say the same. Thank you.
Matt is back and theres gonna be trouble.
Missed ya bro.
Missed ya bro.
I also worry about the hidden anger, or potential for anger in everyone who was hurt at the Sol. I still feel as though people might be putting on shiny, happy masks regarding Sol matters and that anger could show up after months of festering. I think time heals all wounds but wounds that aren't treated properly at first will develop scars.
