Canticles of the Unhomed
Friday, December 31, 2004
The Beginning of a New Year
So its New Years Eve. Ugh. What does this mean? I have to take stock of the previous year and analyze my failings and successes? Make some resolutions? What if I don't feel emotionally capable of that? Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living. Well, I have had enough navel-gazing for awhile. I want to curl into a tight ball and pass into oblivion until... I don't know, until things are better?
You know, I like to think I am a fairly self-aware guy, capable of seeing and correcting my own neuroses, for the most part. As I stumble, fall, and get dragged down this path of wretched evolution, kicking and screaming against my will, I am forced to think that I am becoming something. I don't know what, but my faith tells me something is at the end. But sometimes, like right now, I want to give up. I want to drown my sorrows in one of the thousand shallow, band-aid solutions that thousands of people use everyday. Of course I know they don't work and I will only end up more miserable than I already am. And of course I know that I cannot give up, since he that lives within me will not allow it. Romans 14:4 - to his own master a man will stand or fall, and and stand he will, for the Lord will make him stand.
So my hopes for 2005? That is the wrong question to ask me right now.
I was thinnking of Becky from Saskatoon the other day and I came across this song:
Saints and children we have gathered here to hear the sacred story
And I'm glad to bring it to you with my best rhyming and rhythm
'Cause I know the thirsty listen and down to the waters come
And the Holy King ofIsrael loves me here in America
You know, I like to think I am a fairly self-aware guy, capable of seeing and correcting my own neuroses, for the most part. As I stumble, fall, and get dragged down this path of wretched evolution, kicking and screaming against my will, I am forced to think that I am becoming something. I don't know what, but my faith tells me something is at the end. But sometimes, like right now, I want to give up. I want to drown my sorrows in one of the thousand shallow, band-aid solutions that thousands of people use everyday. Of course I know they don't work and I will only end up more miserable than I already am. And of course I know that I cannot give up, since he that lives within me will not allow it. Romans 14:4 - to his own master a man will stand or fall, and and stand he will, for the Lord will make him stand.
So my hopes for 2005? That is the wrong question to ask me right now.
I was thinnking of Becky from Saskatoon the other day and I came across this song:
Saints and children we have gathered here to hear the sacred story
And I'm glad to bring it to you with my best rhyming and rhythm
'Cause I know the thirsty listen and down to the waters come
And the Holy King of
And if you listen to my songs I hope you hear the water falling
I hope you feel the oceans crashing on the coast of north
I wish I could be there just to see them, two summers past I was
And the Holy King of
And if I were a painter I do not know which I'd paint
The calling of the ancient stars or assembling of the saints
And there's so much beauty around us for just two eyes to see
But everywhere I go I'm looking
And once I went to
And I saw the mountains waking with the innocence of children
And my soul is still there with them wrapped in the songs they brought
And the Holy King of
Those two-legged memorials to the laws of happenstance
Waiting for four-wheeled messiahs to take them home again
But I am home anywhere if You are where I am
I hope you feel the oceans crashing on the coast of north
I wish I could be there just to see them, two summers past I was
And the Holy King of
-Rich Mullins
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
And So This is Christmas
So I'm back. The Christmas season is over and I can rest easy again, relatively. For me Christmas was spent in the embrace of my friend Adam's kith and kin. They live out Lethbridge way, and I, along with Adam's girlfriend Amanda spent four days hanging out with the fam. Of course, the appropriate family drama ensued. However, I got to meet Adam's cousin Shane and Shane's boyfriend Sean. Awesome guys. Really, really great guys. Shane is preparing to enter seminary to be a Lutheran pastor, so he and I pretty much connected right away. He and Sean really transformed my whole thinking about the homosexual issue. That is a blog post yet to come.
But as the five of us, Adam, Amanda, Shane, Sean and I pretty much spent all the time together. It was very good. But as we sat around telling the stories of our families, and all the stories were BAD, I thought to myself, why the fuck do we hang out with these people? If these were relationships with just acquintances that were this painful and this negative, we would cut them off and move on. BUt, somehow we think that family is this magic relationship that we need to endure regardless. Bullshit.
I have been reading about how urban young people our age (25-30) are forming urban tribes made up of friends and communities that are replacing familial relationships. I think this is a result of this phenomena.
Maybe its just another sign of the dissolution of the family unit. :P
But as the five of us, Adam, Amanda, Shane, Sean and I pretty much spent all the time together. It was very good. But as we sat around telling the stories of our families, and all the stories were BAD, I thought to myself, why the fuck do we hang out with these people? If these were relationships with just acquintances that were this painful and this negative, we would cut them off and move on. BUt, somehow we think that family is this magic relationship that we need to endure regardless. Bullshit.
I have been reading about how urban young people our age (25-30) are forming urban tribes made up of friends and communities that are replacing familial relationships. I think this is a result of this phenomena.
Maybe its just another sign of the dissolution of the family unit. :P
Thursday, December 23, 2004
A Christmas Poem
Just a little poem I wrote to remind me of the point of the season.
A Christmas Poem
And a brave New Year.
May you be surrounded by those that love you,
And may the joy of the returning light fill you.
My gift to you is a promise of love,
The gift of a failing heart.
Is my own imperfect love,
But in the glory of the season,
It is enough.
For this is the season of hope,
That the pain will not last,
That our thirst will soon drown in the song not sung in vain.
We look ahead to the coming days,
And pray for our children,
And those we love.
As you read this,
Know that with each word
My soul sings a prayer for you,
And with each line,
My heart renews its love for you.
Know that my heart and soul is with you
Always.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Still Alive... kinda
So, yes, I am still here, and I am still blogging. The past couple of weeks or so have been nuts, but its mostly over.
First, I have been doing non-stop Xmas charity work with Shirley. Crazy busy. Why do people only do charity stuff during Christmas? Well, I know the answer to that question, but still, I like to bitch. :) The work has been good for me - its my attempt to change my attitude about Christmas.
Second, I have been working non-stop on the sequel to my first novel. I had a scary (okay, not so scary) visit from my editor who suggested that I might want to get to work. So, she and I threw around some ideas, and I think I have something workable; I just need to actually WRITE.
Third, there has been major crap going on with my church; our pastor leaving, leadership leaving, people feeling burnt out, etc, and me and a couple of others trying to keep it all together. More on that on a future post.
Many of these topics I need more time to write about, but I am late for my accountability meeting so I need to go. I wanted to at least do a short post for people whose universe imploded without their daily unhomed musing. :) (I only wish that were true.)
Have fun. Happy fucking holidays.
Still Alive... kinda
So, yes, I am still here, and I am still blogging. The past couple of weeks or so have been nuts, but its mostly over.
First, I have been doing non-stop Xmas charity work with Shirley. Crazy busy. Why do people only do charity stuff during Christmas? Well, I know the answer to that question, but still, I like to bitch. :) The work has been good for me - its my attempt to change my attitude about Christmas.
Second, I have been working non-stop on the sequel to my first novel. I had a scary (okay, not so scary) visit from my editor who suggested that I might want to get to work. So, she and I threw around some ideas, and I think I have something workable; I just need to actually WRITE.
Third, there has been major crap going on with my church; our pastor leaving, leadership leaving, people feeling burnt out, etc, and me and a couple of others trying to keep it all together. More on that on a future post.
Many of these topics I need more time to write about, but I am late for my accountability meeting so I need to go. I wanted to at least do a short post for people whose universe imploded without their daily unhomed musing. :) (I only wish that were true.)
Have fun. Happy fucking holidays.
First, I have been doing non-stop Xmas charity work with Shirley. Crazy busy. Why do people only do charity stuff during Christmas? Well, I know the answer to that question, but still, I like to bitch. :) The work has been good for me - its my attempt to change my attitude about Christmas.
Second, I have been working non-stop on the sequel to my first novel. I had a scary (okay, not so scary) visit from my editor who suggested that I might want to get to work. So, she and I threw around some ideas, and I think I have something workable; I just need to actually WRITE.
Third, there has been major crap going on with my church; our pastor leaving, leadership leaving, people feeling burnt out, etc, and me and a couple of others trying to keep it all together. More on that on a future post.
Many of these topics I need more time to write about, but I am late for my accountability meeting so I need to go. I wanted to at least do a short post for people whose universe imploded without their daily unhomed musing. :) (I only wish that were true.)
Have fun. Happy fucking holidays.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
A Day in the Life
Long day today. I was up before six this morning (which is exceedingly rare for me) to go have breakfast with some buddies and then four of us were going to have a "computer party" at my buddy Jorgen's office. I use the word party very loosely here, since it was four of us fixing and setting up four computers that I salvaged out of six or seven donated old computers. However, getting the computers just to run (with no hardware conflicts) was hard enough, let alone adding windows into the mix. We had the added fun of one of my buddies wasting about an hour trying to get a computer to boot from floppy, only for me (an hour later) to point out that the power cable was not attached to the drive. Yeah. Fun. And then, sitting through the ENDLESS windows updates. But, it has been fun and we are having a great bonding time. My intention was not to use this as a computer bitch session.
So I broke down and did some Christmas shopping. Actually, I did it in August. I ordered it back then because the guy said it would take that long just for it to get here. Shirley is a huge fan of tea, so I ordered her this mand-made Indian (she grew up in India) tea set from this cool export shop here in Edmonton. It just got here today, so i have to go pick it up, which means a trek way over to the west side. However, I think it will be worth it, since I know she'll love it.
That being said, that is it for my participation in useless Christmas traditions.
Release of the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended version is slated for Dec 14... I am already organizing a LOTR party to watch all three extended versions back to back on New Years Eve. Cool, huh? Obscenely geeky, huh? However, we are going to be watching it at the Cafe (we're closed that day) on a eight foot screen with full digital surround sound. Sweet. Might be worth a trip from SK... :)
So... still working on computers... will be doing so for awhile. Someone please kill me. :)
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
The Compassionate Obligation
My buddy Chuck and I just had a pretty intense lunch. We talked about our obligation to reach out in love to the people closest to us: our church community. I have recently come to the conclusion that in my own church there is a startling amount of broken community. The past couple of weeks or so I have been talking with people almost non-stop, and I keep hearing the same story over and over and over. They do not feel supported or comforted at church. This, as a leader, bothered me and moved me to challenge our other leaders to step up and try to remedy this. Especially since in many cases it is as simple as a five minute phone call.
It has forced me to consider what is the best way for me to demonstrate love to those people in my community? What is my obligation? The more I thought about it, and as I considered the biblical record, what I kept coming back to is that it is mandatory for us to take an active role in caring for eachother. The extent and scope of that care is largely irrelevant. God, I think calls us to love as best we can.
But largely I am beginning to believe that I have no choice. God expects it, and when I do not do it, I am falling short of the mark that God has set for me. As far as I can tell, that sounds like a definition of sin to me. And I am guilty; of anyone, I above all am guilty.
I know the excuses. Different people have different love languages. We live busy lives - we get distracted. Different people are gifted in different ways. And so on. It's all a load of shit.
The fact is, Christ calls us beyond the pettiness of our lives. He calls us to move beyond the distraction of worrying about how full our plates are and showing human kindness and love to those around us. We are held to a higher standard.
I think of my buddy Jayson. I was really hurting awhile ago. I mean REALLY hurting. He and his wife took me into their house and for two whole weeks - non stop - they ministered to me. They made me feel loved and appreciated and accepted. They accepted my condition and treated me with more grace and love than I have ever felt. They brought to me the peace of Christ. In the end, they helped me heal.
Then, leaving their house and returning to my life, I realized that it was now incumbent upon me to demonstrate love to others. So I started to call people; I started to spend time with them, listening to them. I foudn out there are alot of hurting people in my church that did not feel that they could count on the church for support, and that when I offered it to them, it was the first time they had ever experienced it.
That told me something was wrong; desperately, deadly horribly wrong. If there are more people out there, within arm's reach of me, that are hurting as I hurt, and I was doing nothing about it...
Of course, it does not remove the responsibility from those that are hurting to 1) tell others that they are hurting, and 2) help others, even in their pain. The responsibility is shared; that is after all what community is about.
So we are trying to fix it. I don't know how, and I don't know if my church will survive it. But I can do nothing less.
It has forced me to consider what is the best way for me to demonstrate love to those people in my community? What is my obligation? The more I thought about it, and as I considered the biblical record, what I kept coming back to is that it is mandatory for us to take an active role in caring for eachother. The extent and scope of that care is largely irrelevant. God, I think calls us to love as best we can.
But largely I am beginning to believe that I have no choice. God expects it, and when I do not do it, I am falling short of the mark that God has set for me. As far as I can tell, that sounds like a definition of sin to me. And I am guilty; of anyone, I above all am guilty.
I know the excuses. Different people have different love languages. We live busy lives - we get distracted. Different people are gifted in different ways. And so on. It's all a load of shit.
The fact is, Christ calls us beyond the pettiness of our lives. He calls us to move beyond the distraction of worrying about how full our plates are and showing human kindness and love to those around us. We are held to a higher standard.
I think of my buddy Jayson. I was really hurting awhile ago. I mean REALLY hurting. He and his wife took me into their house and for two whole weeks - non stop - they ministered to me. They made me feel loved and appreciated and accepted. They accepted my condition and treated me with more grace and love than I have ever felt. They brought to me the peace of Christ. In the end, they helped me heal.
Then, leaving their house and returning to my life, I realized that it was now incumbent upon me to demonstrate love to others. So I started to call people; I started to spend time with them, listening to them. I foudn out there are alot of hurting people in my church that did not feel that they could count on the church for support, and that when I offered it to them, it was the first time they had ever experienced it.
That told me something was wrong; desperately, deadly horribly wrong. If there are more people out there, within arm's reach of me, that are hurting as I hurt, and I was doing nothing about it...
Of course, it does not remove the responsibility from those that are hurting to 1) tell others that they are hurting, and 2) help others, even in their pain. The responsibility is shared; that is after all what community is about.
So we are trying to fix it. I don't know how, and I don't know if my church will survive it. But I can do nothing less.
I was hungry
And you formed a humanitarian club
And you discussed my hunger.
Thank you.
I was imprisoned,
And you crept off quietly
To your chapel in the cellar
To pray for my release
I was naked,
And in your mind
You debated the morality of my
Appearance
I was sick
And you knelt and thanked God
For your health.
I was homeless
And you preached to me
Of the spiritual shelter of the
Love of God
I was lonely
And you left me alone
To pray for me.
You seem so holy;
So close to God
But I’m still very hungry
And lonely
And cold
So where have your prayers gone?
What have they done?
What does it profit a man to page through his
Book of prayers when the rest of the world is
Crying for help?
M. Lunn
Friday, December 03, 2004
In For A Pound
So I survived the interview. Mostly they seemed impressed with me, and if I must say, I think I was particularly articulate. :) Actually finding out more about the job was encouraging, that I didn't actually have to shower the visitors, that was a major relief. So, in all I think it might be a useful job for awhile. I don't think I could do it for years and years. But it might be a useful means to an end. Actually working for a Christian organization rather than a money-grubbing Capitalistic corporation might be better for the soul as well.
The Canticles: The Holiness of God
In the Heat of Meeting, there is a place of profound silence.
There is within the maelstrom a tranquil eye,
Where none of the Violence of Purpose touches.
And in that place we can encounter the Keeper of the Grove.
In the wild frenzy of fiery Presence, we are lost.
I am unmade under the eye of He Who Is.
There, in the blast furnace of Meeting I am laid bare before the Shaper.
The hot, savage Apartness that is there strips away all to dry bones.
All is known perfectly in that brutal crucible.
At the end of all things we stand alone in the tranquility of the eye.
I am known there.
My name is the silent shout heard in the wild harmonies of Meeting.
My secrets are the riotous tapestry that is laid bare.
I cannot hide from that awful gaze.
Even the hearts of the stones are laid open to the scouring gaze of the Most High King.
We come alone to that place, and there is fear there.
Our undoing awaits us.
A poem of Matt
In For A Penny...
So, here I am getting ready for a job interview. I am interviewing for a position as an Intox worker at the Hope Mission here in Edmonton. The Hope Mission is an inner city mission to homeless people. Since I have decied to go back into full time ministry, I thought this might be a good way to get my feet wet again without getting into a pastoral ministry. Besides, everyone knows that I shouldn't get into pastoral ministry in Edmonton, right? :)
My job would be to basically take care of the intoxicated homeless that come to the mission: get them showered, clean clothes, food, bedded down etc. It will be engrossing, hard work, but I think I'm up to it. And, I think it will be good preparation for the future.
I am a little intimidated, though. I worry about my ability to show real compassion to these people, rather than just demonstrating the smae disdain and disgust that most peope feel when they encounter them. For me, this job will be as much of a spiritual challenge as anything else. I guess that's why I'm doing it.
The interview is in half an hour. I will post my thoughts apres-interview.
BTW... I think Gideon Stark has it.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Casting My Pearls Before Swine
So here I sit in the Cafe on a beautiful and sunny Wednesday afternoon (it was afternoon when I began writing this - it is now evening) trying to write. While my first book is going to print my publisher has contracted me to write a sequel (or follow-up or whatever) to the first book. (Yay!) But am I writing that which I am actually getting paid to write? Of course not. That would be foolish. Currently my word count is sitting at 2839, which is pitiful. Not that I put much stock in word counts. However, since that number has not changed in close to a week, it is appalling. I am having a hard time getting excited about the plot. I decided to write a prequel. (Yes, I know the prequel thing has been done.) The first book is the story of a good man who is corrupted by hatred and the desire for revenge. I thought I would write a prequel showing his nobility, which I thought should make his descent into darkness that much more poignant. But, its just not coming. Everything I write seems boring, derivitive and pedestrian. The plot is this: the main character, (the guy who goes bad) and his crew (made up of the major characters from the first book) come to this planet and are forced to defend them when the planet is invaded. However, the aliens refuse to defend themselves, forcing the main guy to ask the question of whether or not the lives of these aliens are worth the lives of himself and his crew. Drivel. I think I'm going to have to have a major rethink of the whole thing.
So, since i cannot write that which I am being paid to write, I'm writing on a project that I pull out every once in awhile when I can't do anything productive with my own stuff. I'm sort of ashamed to admit that I'm working on it. I could never get it published, let alone get paid for it. Its a waste of my talent, but its almost like a guilty pleasure. Its a Star Trek novel. I know. My dorkiness knows no bounds. The way I justify it to myself is at least I'm writing.
So here I am, sitting in the Cafe on a Wednesday afternoon trying to write. I have contracted by my publisher (and paid as well) to write a sequel to the book that is about to go into print. (Yay!) So, it would make sense for me to be working on the sequel, right? Well, working on this book is like pulling teeth. The plot, the characters, the setting, nothing seems to be working. Right now, I am at 2839 words. And thus has it sat for over a week. I think it's fairly obvious that my plot for this book is less than compelling. The idea that I came up with was to write a prequel (yes I know the prequel thing has been done) that describes the good man that the main character of the first book comes from. Since the first book was all about the descent of this character into darkness, I thought showing the nobility of his background would make his descent more poignant. I thought putting him and his crew (made up of the major characters from the first book) in a position to defend the defenseless from overwhelming odds to the point where they need to sacrifice their lives to save people who won't even defend themselves would be a compelling enough plot. But, honestly, it is just coming up as derivitive and boring. I think I need a new direction.
So in the meantime, since I cannot write what I am actually getting paid to write, I am working on a project that has been on the go for a few years now, something that really is a waste of my talent, but it keeps me writing. I could never publish it, let alone get paid for it. Every once in awhile I pull it out when I'm making no progress on my own stuff and hack away at it. It's a Star Trek novel. Yeah, I know, I know. Reference the title for this post. :)
So in the meantime, since I cannot write what I am actually getting paid to write, I am working on a project that has been on the go for a few years now, something that really is a waste of my talent, but it keeps me writing. I could never publish it, let alone get paid for it. Every once in awhile I pull it out when I'm making no progress on my own stuff and hack away at it. It's a Star Trek novel. Yeah, I know, I know. Reference the title for this post. :)
