Canticles of the Unhomed
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Stuck
Sometimes I feel stuck. I don't really know how else to explain it. I don't feel stuck as in I am in a rut, or that I'm not growing when I should be. Rather, I feel suspended - stretched out between two... potentials? Possibilities? Mental states? Evolutions? I don't know; I can't quite articulate the word.
All I know is that something is not right. SOMETHING, and I don't know what, is off. Its like when you walk into a room and the angles aren't right, and the walls don't match the floors properly.
I honestly don't know what it could be. I am happy; reasonably at least; the House is moving along nicely, not yet where it should be, but showing promise - I am surrounded by people who support me, believe in me and trust me. My writing is going good. I have food in my belly, a place to lie my head at night and a roof to keep the rain off. All these things I am thankful for. I feel the hand of God in my life, I hear his voice in the relationships around me. My relationship with God is in a good place.
And yet...
There are lingering issues that haunt me. Those of you that know me probably have a good idea of the issues that haunt me. Not all my relationships are good. I do not love people as I should. I harbour pain that does not heal. I have left destruction, brokeness, anger, and pain in my wake. I don't know if I have forgiven those that have hurt me.
And there is the heart of the matter. As I sit here tonight going over my notes for my talks on the pure of heart, the poor in spirit and those that mourn, all with an over-arching theme of restoration and reconciliation, I wonder if my own words betray me. I wonder if my own words condemn me.
This is going to be the question I ask my "viatores" tomorrow: Is it possible to not love someone without hating them? Does indifference equal hatred?
The pure in heart see God because he is their only desire; thus their love is born of their conformity to his likeness.
The poor in spirit live lives of constant dependence and need. They know that God is their portion; he is all they have left, so they wait for him; thus is it easy for them to love because they feel so very acutely their own need for love.
The mourners feel the pain of loss. They know the terrible lack of something once cherished and loved. They love indiscriminately because they need the restoration of something long dead.
How can I stand before fifty people tomorrow and mouth these words when I know there are people in my own life I do not love?
Ah... wretched man that I am!
All I know is that something is not right. SOMETHING, and I don't know what, is off. Its like when you walk into a room and the angles aren't right, and the walls don't match the floors properly.
I honestly don't know what it could be. I am happy; reasonably at least; the House is moving along nicely, not yet where it should be, but showing promise - I am surrounded by people who support me, believe in me and trust me. My writing is going good. I have food in my belly, a place to lie my head at night and a roof to keep the rain off. All these things I am thankful for. I feel the hand of God in my life, I hear his voice in the relationships around me. My relationship with God is in a good place.
And yet...
There are lingering issues that haunt me. Those of you that know me probably have a good idea of the issues that haunt me. Not all my relationships are good. I do not love people as I should. I harbour pain that does not heal. I have left destruction, brokeness, anger, and pain in my wake. I don't know if I have forgiven those that have hurt me.
And there is the heart of the matter. As I sit here tonight going over my notes for my talks on the pure of heart, the poor in spirit and those that mourn, all with an over-arching theme of restoration and reconciliation, I wonder if my own words betray me. I wonder if my own words condemn me.
This is going to be the question I ask my "viatores" tomorrow: Is it possible to not love someone without hating them? Does indifference equal hatred?
The pure in heart see God because he is their only desire; thus their love is born of their conformity to his likeness.
The poor in spirit live lives of constant dependence and need. They know that God is their portion; he is all they have left, so they wait for him; thus is it easy for them to love because they feel so very acutely their own need for love.
The mourners feel the pain of loss. They know the terrible lack of something once cherished and loved. They love indiscriminately because they need the restoration of something long dead.
How can I stand before fifty people tomorrow and mouth these words when I know there are people in my own life I do not love?
Ah... wretched man that I am!
:: written by Matt Thompson, 2:49 AM
1 Comments:
I see our night of poker has impacted you greatly.
Not to add more weight to the load but only 10 verses after the beatitudes Christ emphasizes the need for reconciliation quite vehemently. The call extends to (seemingly) small issues..."if you just happen to remember that your brother has something against you"...how much more does it extend to your situation(s).
I think it might be time for serious thoughts toward reconcilliation, for your own sake as well as others, and the fact that it seems heavy on your heart at present. Yes, it will hurt like a bugger. Yes, it might make things worse. Yes, you have to suck it up princess. Yes, I am there for you more than ever!
Not to add more weight to the load but only 10 verses after the beatitudes Christ emphasizes the need for reconciliation quite vehemently. The call extends to (seemingly) small issues..."if you just happen to remember that your brother has something against you"...how much more does it extend to your situation(s).
I think it might be time for serious thoughts toward reconcilliation, for your own sake as well as others, and the fact that it seems heavy on your heart at present. Yes, it will hurt like a bugger. Yes, it might make things worse. Yes, you have to suck it up princess. Yes, I am there for you more than ever!
