Canticles of the Unhomed
Saturday, October 08, 2005
The Norm
I am surrounded by broken relationships.
Why does it seem like I am the only person who is not happy with this, that believes that broken relationship is just the norm?
Of course, I have quite the list of broken relationships; I seem to collect them like macabre trophies of my darkness' victories. But, I am trying to chip away at that list. I am trying to heal those relationships. Of course here are some that are more important to me - closer is perhaps a better word - and thus they receive priority. My family seems to be pretty damn low on the list. I can deal with that.
One, I try - almost on a daily basis - to heal, to move forward, but I am CONSTANTLY rebuffed. Perhaps I am insane. Perhaps that is just the way it is. I don't believe it. I can't. If I start believing that that is just the way it is, and the is just the way of the universe, I WILL go insane. Because, if that is the way of the universe what hope is there of there EVER being a stable relationship? What will be the point? If every relationship I have is doomed to inevitiable dissolution and pain, then what is the fucking point? Suddenly a hermitage in northern alberta begins to look better and better.
I have to believe that things can get better. I absolutely have to. Perhaps, as I have been told, it is only my stubborn sense of justice that makes me keep writing emails every single f*&^#! day. Maybe I am being horribly unrealistic. But, if it keeps me sane, then I must.
The other, I am strategizing. In this case it is a relationship with a group of people, and thus is more complex. I miss these people so much that sometimes it hurts, but they hurt me pretty bad, and I find myself shying away. But, likewise I caused alot of hurt myself, and that is not easily overcome. How can we come together and not just talk about the most surfacy things imanginable? How do we talk about these hurtful things with the aim of reconciliation and restoration without simply sweeping it under the rug or pretending that it never happened? There is something to be said for putting it away and not reopening old wounds. But, if these things are still alive between us, don't they need to be dealt with in the open? I don't know - I know anything, but how much I miss these people. I once counted them as my closest friends in the world - the one or two people in the world that I could wake up at 3:00 in the morning if I was in trouble. Can that just be destroyed, wiped out? That's what I am talking about. If I cannot count on these relationships, the most profound that I had ever had up to this point, not to splinter and fray, and give in to the attrition of life, then what hope is there for the future? Why should I bother?
I am reminded of the Johnny Cash line, "my sweetest friend/everyone I know/goes away in the end..." He at least reserves some tattered hope, "if I could start again/a million miles away/I would keep myself/I would find a way..."
And then... and then... maybe she was all wrong for me, and perhaps i wasn't the right person for her either; perhaps our relationship was purely physical. Perhaps when the physical is so good, you can overlook the rest... but I would like to find out, now with a clear head, who she really is. But, perhaps its too late. I would like to think that I am not all that hard to have dinner with.
I hate it all; I carry it around with me like a stone in my chest. Is it too much to ask for, to have some relational harmony? Perhaps I just suck at relationships. That's a reality that I am willing to entertain. Perhaps I am just impossible to love.
I dunno.
Why does it seem like I am the only person who is not happy with this, that believes that broken relationship is just the norm?
Of course, I have quite the list of broken relationships; I seem to collect them like macabre trophies of my darkness' victories. But, I am trying to chip away at that list. I am trying to heal those relationships. Of course here are some that are more important to me - closer is perhaps a better word - and thus they receive priority. My family seems to be pretty damn low on the list. I can deal with that.
One, I try - almost on a daily basis - to heal, to move forward, but I am CONSTANTLY rebuffed. Perhaps I am insane. Perhaps that is just the way it is. I don't believe it. I can't. If I start believing that that is just the way it is, and the is just the way of the universe, I WILL go insane. Because, if that is the way of the universe what hope is there of there EVER being a stable relationship? What will be the point? If every relationship I have is doomed to inevitiable dissolution and pain, then what is the fucking point? Suddenly a hermitage in northern alberta begins to look better and better.
I have to believe that things can get better. I absolutely have to. Perhaps, as I have been told, it is only my stubborn sense of justice that makes me keep writing emails every single f*&^#! day. Maybe I am being horribly unrealistic. But, if it keeps me sane, then I must.
The other, I am strategizing. In this case it is a relationship with a group of people, and thus is more complex. I miss these people so much that sometimes it hurts, but they hurt me pretty bad, and I find myself shying away. But, likewise I caused alot of hurt myself, and that is not easily overcome. How can we come together and not just talk about the most surfacy things imanginable? How do we talk about these hurtful things with the aim of reconciliation and restoration without simply sweeping it under the rug or pretending that it never happened? There is something to be said for putting it away and not reopening old wounds. But, if these things are still alive between us, don't they need to be dealt with in the open? I don't know - I know anything, but how much I miss these people. I once counted them as my closest friends in the world - the one or two people in the world that I could wake up at 3:00 in the morning if I was in trouble. Can that just be destroyed, wiped out? That's what I am talking about. If I cannot count on these relationships, the most profound that I had ever had up to this point, not to splinter and fray, and give in to the attrition of life, then what hope is there for the future? Why should I bother?
I am reminded of the Johnny Cash line, "my sweetest friend/everyone I know/goes away in the end..." He at least reserves some tattered hope, "if I could start again/a million miles away/I would keep myself/I would find a way..."
And then... and then... maybe she was all wrong for me, and perhaps i wasn't the right person for her either; perhaps our relationship was purely physical. Perhaps when the physical is so good, you can overlook the rest... but I would like to find out, now with a clear head, who she really is. But, perhaps its too late. I would like to think that I am not all that hard to have dinner with.
I hate it all; I carry it around with me like a stone in my chest. Is it too much to ask for, to have some relational harmony? Perhaps I just suck at relationships. That's a reality that I am willing to entertain. Perhaps I am just impossible to love.
I dunno.
:: written by Matt Thompson, 5:40 PM
6 Comments:
But I love you Matt. So it can't be impossible
Ditto. Uh...did i just blog that out loud? Crap!
I love you Matt and we have talked about this before but I got some new advice for you...have fun with God... and it will all work out...heh
Nothing hurts more than broken relationships. I know that first hand. . .
However the hope I hold to is not hope in the other people involved (as much as I love them and as good people as they are), but in God. Only He offers true relationship and true reconciliation. It's only through Him that relationships can truly be healed.
Boy, that sounds sooo cliche. But I must confess I believe it to be true.
Now, if only the lot of us can figure out how to take responsibility for our part while letting God do His thing. . .
However the hope I hold to is not hope in the other people involved (as much as I love them and as good people as they are), but in God. Only He offers true relationship and true reconciliation. It's only through Him that relationships can truly be healed.
Boy, that sounds sooo cliche. But I must confess I believe it to be true.
Now, if only the lot of us can figure out how to take responsibility for our part while letting God do His thing. . .
Maybe you hold onto relationships so aggressively and fervently that you scare people. Maybe your huge emphasis on community (which I agree with by the way) is too much for people, especially at first. You can be a pretty tenacious friend (again I love that), but it can be daunting.
sounds like we need another visit to O'byrnes Pub my friend.
