Canticles of the Unhomed
Monday, November 07, 2005
Community Health Plan
Okay.
I am detecting a growing sentiment suggesting that I am not taking my illness seriously; either as means of denial or selfishness. My laissez faire attitude has some people concerned that I don't really care if I'm around much longer. They are concerned that I am not doing all I should to ensure my continued struggle on this mortal coil. Perhaps.
The truth is that I feel no real strong self-preservation instinct. It is beginning to appear... unseemly to so desperately cling to a life that I am not really meant for in the first place. Consider, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Never have I so profoundly nor prolifically considered Philippians 1:21-25. I have never really considered this passage all that deeply. Paul says,
"For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live. I am convinced of this, so I will continue with you so that you will grow and experience the joy of your faith..."
I was meditating on this passage this afternoon in our chapel, and it made me weep. As I read those words I felt the full weight of my thirty years here, the weight of the man of death that I carry, the weight of all the struggle, toil and torment in this metaphorical suit three sizes too small. I felt it, and it was real. "... living is for Christ, and dying is even better..." To be free; finally, forever, and utterly free, to return to my one and only home, and simply to rest in the embrace of my Master, rest like my soul has longed for and cried for... I have to admit, in that moment I looked with tearful anticipation upon the failure of my liver, and saw it as a liberator. I saw a gap in the walls of my prison, and my heart soared. To be free of my sin, and its consequences, the broken relationships, the lies, the petty fustrations and spiteful angers. How could anyone not look upon that with hope?
"... but it is better for you that I live. I am convinced of this, so I will continue with you..." What did I say before? That I knew from long ago that my life is not my own? I live within community; a community that loves me, and of whom I am a living part. I have said on many occaisions that these people own me. God has called me to these people. Do I perceive a release from that calling? No. So how do these coexist?
So well I understand Paul's words, "... I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ..."
There is a real issue for community here, something I am going to have to figure out. Its more than just whether I live or die. Ultimately, that is God's hands alone, he will do as he jolly well wants to.
The question that I put to all of you is, how do we as a community respond to this, and how do I, as a leader and participant in this community respond to it? Do we force me to adopt a strict vegetarian diet and a rigourous exercise schedule, while making me sleep for twelve hours a day? Do I need to focus more or less on my disease, "take it more seriously?"
The problem is, I am perfectly at peace with my illness. There are moments of fear, but that's normal and healthy to fear death. But mostly, I am at peace. I am happy with the life I have led, and I am content with my accomplishments. I am not without regrets, but I have lived a full, adventurous life, in most cases more than any man could ask for. That being said, there is still much left for me to do, but to this point, I'm okay with the path my life has taken, more or less. Trust me, over the past weeks of dealing with this illness, considering the path your life has taken takes up a fair bit of your time. God has granted me alot of joy, love and beauty. I have seen things that would thrill anyone. If I go, then I can go content that God has given me more than my fair share. Likewise, I would really like to live. There are many things that I have yet to experience, that I really would like to. I'd like to publish a few more books, I would like to see the House evolve into something yet to be discovered, I would like to be standing around when God touches a few more people, I would like to hug the people that I have missed for so long and laugh in their arms, I would like to kiss my one, true love. All these things are in my future, and I would really like to see them. The funny thing is that all these things WILL happen, if there is enough time. But, either way, I am content. My Master has been kind to me thus far, and he will continue to be undeservedly kind to me. My Master's favour will rest on me whether he calls me to rest or to toil. I have no reason, nor desire, to complain.
I am sorry if that peace has appeared as apathy or resignation.
I am detecting a growing sentiment suggesting that I am not taking my illness seriously; either as means of denial or selfishness. My laissez faire attitude has some people concerned that I don't really care if I'm around much longer. They are concerned that I am not doing all I should to ensure my continued struggle on this mortal coil. Perhaps.
The truth is that I feel no real strong self-preservation instinct. It is beginning to appear... unseemly to so desperately cling to a life that I am not really meant for in the first place. Consider, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Never have I so profoundly nor prolifically considered Philippians 1:21-25. I have never really considered this passage all that deeply. Paul says,
"For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live. I am convinced of this, so I will continue with you so that you will grow and experience the joy of your faith..."
I was meditating on this passage this afternoon in our chapel, and it made me weep. As I read those words I felt the full weight of my thirty years here, the weight of the man of death that I carry, the weight of all the struggle, toil and torment in this metaphorical suit three sizes too small. I felt it, and it was real. "... living is for Christ, and dying is even better..." To be free; finally, forever, and utterly free, to return to my one and only home, and simply to rest in the embrace of my Master, rest like my soul has longed for and cried for... I have to admit, in that moment I looked with tearful anticipation upon the failure of my liver, and saw it as a liberator. I saw a gap in the walls of my prison, and my heart soared. To be free of my sin, and its consequences, the broken relationships, the lies, the petty fustrations and spiteful angers. How could anyone not look upon that with hope?
"... but it is better for you that I live. I am convinced of this, so I will continue with you..." What did I say before? That I knew from long ago that my life is not my own? I live within community; a community that loves me, and of whom I am a living part. I have said on many occaisions that these people own me. God has called me to these people. Do I perceive a release from that calling? No. So how do these coexist?
So well I understand Paul's words, "... I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ..."
There is a real issue for community here, something I am going to have to figure out. Its more than just whether I live or die. Ultimately, that is God's hands alone, he will do as he jolly well wants to.
The question that I put to all of you is, how do we as a community respond to this, and how do I, as a leader and participant in this community respond to it? Do we force me to adopt a strict vegetarian diet and a rigourous exercise schedule, while making me sleep for twelve hours a day? Do I need to focus more or less on my disease, "take it more seriously?"
The problem is, I am perfectly at peace with my illness. There are moments of fear, but that's normal and healthy to fear death. But mostly, I am at peace. I am happy with the life I have led, and I am content with my accomplishments. I am not without regrets, but I have lived a full, adventurous life, in most cases more than any man could ask for. That being said, there is still much left for me to do, but to this point, I'm okay with the path my life has taken, more or less. Trust me, over the past weeks of dealing with this illness, considering the path your life has taken takes up a fair bit of your time. God has granted me alot of joy, love and beauty. I have seen things that would thrill anyone. If I go, then I can go content that God has given me more than my fair share. Likewise, I would really like to live. There are many things that I have yet to experience, that I really would like to. I'd like to publish a few more books, I would like to see the House evolve into something yet to be discovered, I would like to be standing around when God touches a few more people, I would like to hug the people that I have missed for so long and laugh in their arms, I would like to kiss my one, true love. All these things are in my future, and I would really like to see them. The funny thing is that all these things WILL happen, if there is enough time. But, either way, I am content. My Master has been kind to me thus far, and he will continue to be undeservedly kind to me. My Master's favour will rest on me whether he calls me to rest or to toil. I have no reason, nor desire, to complain.
I am sorry if that peace has appeared as apathy or resignation.
:: written by Matt Thompson, 6:08 PM
6 Comments:
...Aye, there's the rub...
Vegetarian diet? Let's not go nuts. I guess we just don't want you to be speeding up the process. You know you'd all be having a serious talk to me if I decided to stroll around the downtown back alleys asking the guys stumbling out of the bars for rides home and justifying it by saying "meh, if I die in a crash, or get stabbed by someone, it's just my time." Take care of yourself.
I think that in placing us on this earth in human flesh, our Lord has given us a responsibility to care for the vessels that cary our souls. Our bodies were created by him also, even if they are a means to an end, and I believe that we are required to do our utmost to care for that which he has provided us, for however long we are on this earth. You're right in being at peace with whatever length of time He has laid out for you, but you also have a responsibility up until the end of that time to care for the body He has given you. I understand, you hate doctors, I get it. Some people hate preachers just as much, but at some point or other, we all have something good to say, even doctors. Matt, however you choose to go about this is between you and God, but as your friend and family (if I may be so bold as to call myself family) I am charging you with the upkeep of the physical temple that he has given you, to the best of your ability, until he releases you from that responsibility. Until then my friend, don't get ahead of yourself, your still here for a reason, even if it's just to learn the discipline of caring for yourself through illness. I love you.
Matt, get off the pity pot. you will not be dying any sooner than you are suppose to be. stand up, shake your head a few times, and get to living. if living means working or writing or taking a nap or eating a carrot, just do it. i don't mean to sound like nike here, but just do it, man!!
just like your knees haven't given out on you when they were supposed to years ago, i feel pretty confidant that this also will not be the end of you. brad and i are praying daily fro a 29 year old woman who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 weeks ago. she went to the dr with a back ache and found out she had tumors on her spine. same day was in hospital. 2 days later surgery. 3 days later discovered tumors on her brain. 2 days later spinal tumors grew back to what they were before operation (we are talking 5 days after they took them out). unless God sees fit, she will not live to see her little girl grow up. this all occurred, from first dr.s visit to today in 2 weeks.
be happy you are not in that situation, Matt. give thanks to God and as i said, get back to living. i am sure she wishes she could.
i do love you.
hug hug
Kimmy
p.s. futile ranter, email me sometime kbdoerksen@sasktel.net
just like your knees haven't given out on you when they were supposed to years ago, i feel pretty confidant that this also will not be the end of you. brad and i are praying daily fro a 29 year old woman who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 weeks ago. she went to the dr with a back ache and found out she had tumors on her spine. same day was in hospital. 2 days later surgery. 3 days later discovered tumors on her brain. 2 days later spinal tumors grew back to what they were before operation (we are talking 5 days after they took them out). unless God sees fit, she will not live to see her little girl grow up. this all occurred, from first dr.s visit to today in 2 weeks.
be happy you are not in that situation, Matt. give thanks to God and as i said, get back to living. i am sure she wishes she could.
i do love you.
hug hug
Kimmy
p.s. futile ranter, email me sometime kbdoerksen@sasktel.net
please look to your nov.5 for a message
hey Matt, i gotta say .... well I don't know what to say, after mom showed me this site I was kinda synical to say the least. But I guess I have to be the older brother now huh? anyway if you decide you want to talk to me I guess we could start out with e_mail.
cillverbullett@hotmail.com
There, I took the first step. Now its up to you.
cillverbullett@hotmail.com
There, I took the first step. Now its up to you.
