Canticles of the Unhomed
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Thoughts on Evolution
I know - two posts in as many days - inconceivable. (No, I'm sure the word means what I think it does.)
So I posted about Christmas a few days ago, and having received some interesting comments, I feel I must respond.
First, here is the anonymous comment in full:
"as a family member that loves any time that a busy family can take the time to be together i really take offense by what you said i really beleive it is what you make of it.too bad all the xmases that we did give you the love,the thought of making you happy and all that bullshit was for not. i am really glad dad is not around to read this bullshit.as it is i am so deeply hurt i dont know how to feel"
Many of you who know me know of my less than stellar relationship with my family. There was a big blow up a few years back, I left, and I really haven't looked back since. There was a lot of anger to deal with. I went through a number of ugly anger cycles until I was able to get my head around it. Eventually, I ended up in counseling - a number of counselors in fact, something, until now, that was not common knowledge. Some of them were better than others - the best was a priest reccommended to me by my friend Jacquie. Again, my regular consultation with these counselors was something that I kept fairly quiet. I realized that this family thing was something that I could not deal with by myself; there was too many years of too much pain. Eventually I was able, with one counselor's help in particular, to learn that I was responsible for my own evolution. I had the power to choose to surround myself with people, circumstances and relationships that contributed positively to the kind of person that I wanted to be. I didn't have to live with what I was taught. I could have healthy relationships, I could have good communication skills, I could deal with my anger properly, I could talk to and about myself properly. But I had to choose, and I had to be ruthless. I lived in a world that was hostile to me, a world that would not hesitate to destroy me if I let it. I had to choose how I would live. During this process I learned many things about myself. I learned about how I communicate, how I emote/feel/process emotions. It was here that my ideas/thoughts/feelings/wishes/dreams of community was born, and my desperate hatred of broken relationship.
I learned that I could not give my family access to me. I had to be ruthless. There were some exceptions to that, but largely, I had to remove myself from that. I fully realize that my family probably did the very best they could; I don't begrudge them that. Looking back on my history with my family, I saw patterns and cycles that played themselves out again and again that I just could not be part of. Of course I saw honest people just trying their best to make do, but I couldn't risk myself buying into those patterns and cycles.
Mostly I just realized that I could not fit in. I knew from the beginning, and everyone reminded me of it constantly, that I was different. I was adopted, and the youngest. Of course I didn't fit. I know that I still don't, and never will. I remember well angry, older siblings yelling that at me. Remember, I have learned to be ruthless. I must be. There was a time when talking about this made me angry. There is no anger anymore. Some sadness, some regret. But I was taught to be ruthless, determined and dogged. The fact is that I have so little in common with my family that I am sure that they don't even know who I am anymore. They are certainly strangers to me.
To the anonymous family member who commented: I am really, truly glad that you enjoy family Christmases. You are right when you say that they are what you make it. I don't want to offend you, or belittle your feelings, memories or your beliefs. I am glad that you felt those things; that you wanted the best for me, or that you loved me. Those are the best things about family. I do not for a moment believe that it was all bad. Not by a long shot. But please understand that it cannot undo so many years of hurt and negative reinforcement. Its not about forgiveness - that was done years ago - its about consequence. This is the cost of those years. There is no way to say this without it sounding like judgement, so I won't even try. I need to take care of myself. I will not - cannot - risk the goals I have for myself.
I am nowhere near perfect. I am still stunted, emotionally constipated, and generally fucked up. I am like an alcoholic walking by a string of bars. I know myself; I know what I can risk and what I cannot. I know where I can walk and where I cannot. I have to be ruthless. You can call me unforgiving, uncompassionate, unChrist-like, hateful, selfish, retributionary, an asshole, whatever. The truth is that I am done being hurt by this. The only person who can hurt you are those that you give permission to, and that permission was revoked long ago.
But I am sorry that I have hurt you, hence the sadness and regret. It is not right. Perhaps you even have an intention to reconcile and restore. That is so right, noble and godly that it makes my heart hurt. And its not right that I cannot go there. The truth is, there is nothing right in this whole mess. Someone once told me that after a messy relationship there some you can have dinner with, and some you can't. As much as I hate it, as much as I want to be one of those people that you can have dinner with - the person is right.
Some would say that this is the very worst context to have this experience, and they're probably right. This is the only context that I can open. I don't know what the right answer is - I don't think there is one.
So I posted about Christmas a few days ago, and having received some interesting comments, I feel I must respond.
First, here is the anonymous comment in full:
"as a family member that loves any time that a busy family can take the time to be together i really take offense by what you said i really beleive it is what you make of it.too bad all the xmases that we did give you the love,the thought of making you happy and all that bullshit was for not. i am really glad dad is not around to read this bullshit.as it is i am so deeply hurt i dont know how to feel"
Many of you who know me know of my less than stellar relationship with my family. There was a big blow up a few years back, I left, and I really haven't looked back since. There was a lot of anger to deal with. I went through a number of ugly anger cycles until I was able to get my head around it. Eventually, I ended up in counseling - a number of counselors in fact, something, until now, that was not common knowledge. Some of them were better than others - the best was a priest reccommended to me by my friend Jacquie. Again, my regular consultation with these counselors was something that I kept fairly quiet. I realized that this family thing was something that I could not deal with by myself; there was too many years of too much pain. Eventually I was able, with one counselor's help in particular, to learn that I was responsible for my own evolution. I had the power to choose to surround myself with people, circumstances and relationships that contributed positively to the kind of person that I wanted to be. I didn't have to live with what I was taught. I could have healthy relationships, I could have good communication skills, I could deal with my anger properly, I could talk to and about myself properly. But I had to choose, and I had to be ruthless. I lived in a world that was hostile to me, a world that would not hesitate to destroy me if I let it. I had to choose how I would live. During this process I learned many things about myself. I learned about how I communicate, how I emote/feel/process emotions. It was here that my ideas/thoughts/feelings/wishes/dreams of community was born, and my desperate hatred of broken relationship.
I learned that I could not give my family access to me. I had to be ruthless. There were some exceptions to that, but largely, I had to remove myself from that. I fully realize that my family probably did the very best they could; I don't begrudge them that. Looking back on my history with my family, I saw patterns and cycles that played themselves out again and again that I just could not be part of. Of course I saw honest people just trying their best to make do, but I couldn't risk myself buying into those patterns and cycles.
Mostly I just realized that I could not fit in. I knew from the beginning, and everyone reminded me of it constantly, that I was different. I was adopted, and the youngest. Of course I didn't fit. I know that I still don't, and never will. I remember well angry, older siblings yelling that at me. Remember, I have learned to be ruthless. I must be. There was a time when talking about this made me angry. There is no anger anymore. Some sadness, some regret. But I was taught to be ruthless, determined and dogged. The fact is that I have so little in common with my family that I am sure that they don't even know who I am anymore. They are certainly strangers to me.
To the anonymous family member who commented: I am really, truly glad that you enjoy family Christmases. You are right when you say that they are what you make it. I don't want to offend you, or belittle your feelings, memories or your beliefs. I am glad that you felt those things; that you wanted the best for me, or that you loved me. Those are the best things about family. I do not for a moment believe that it was all bad. Not by a long shot. But please understand that it cannot undo so many years of hurt and negative reinforcement. Its not about forgiveness - that was done years ago - its about consequence. This is the cost of those years. There is no way to say this without it sounding like judgement, so I won't even try. I need to take care of myself. I will not - cannot - risk the goals I have for myself.
I am nowhere near perfect. I am still stunted, emotionally constipated, and generally fucked up. I am like an alcoholic walking by a string of bars. I know myself; I know what I can risk and what I cannot. I know where I can walk and where I cannot. I have to be ruthless. You can call me unforgiving, uncompassionate, unChrist-like, hateful, selfish, retributionary, an asshole, whatever. The truth is that I am done being hurt by this. The only person who can hurt you are those that you give permission to, and that permission was revoked long ago.
But I am sorry that I have hurt you, hence the sadness and regret. It is not right. Perhaps you even have an intention to reconcile and restore. That is so right, noble and godly that it makes my heart hurt. And its not right that I cannot go there. The truth is, there is nothing right in this whole mess. Someone once told me that after a messy relationship there some you can have dinner with, and some you can't. As much as I hate it, as much as I want to be one of those people that you can have dinner with - the person is right.
Some would say that this is the very worst context to have this experience, and they're probably right. This is the only context that I can open. I don't know what the right answer is - I don't think there is one.
:: written by Matt Thompson, 2:51 AM
2 Comments:
ragamuffin
I hope I don't come off judgmental or anything like that, but I feel compelled to comment.
You are not ready - right now. You never know what the future holds. Remember nothing is impossible.
I keep reminding myself of that too with my family.
You are not ready - right now. You never know what the future holds. Remember nothing is impossible.
I keep reminding myself of that too with my family.
